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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When does it get better??

4 replies

pinksalmon2001 · 30/05/2018 21:40

My partner of eleven years left me and our two children at the start of September last year. I was completely and utterly blindsided, I had absolutely no idea it was coming :(

In the two years leading up to him leaving we had a pretty rough run as a family, his dad had cancer (he survived but it has left him fairly poorly), I lost three grandparents, I had a miscarriage, he had a slipped disc in his back, we all had whooping cough, then I had a week in hospital for a kidney operation. Two days after he left me we had to have our beloved 9 year old dog put to sleep. So things weren't great but I had thought that we were getting through it all together.

It was a classic script case - he didn't love me anymore and needed to go and be single to see if there was a happier life out there for him!! Within a few weeks I found out about the ow, but obviously he didn't leave me for her, she just magically appeared within a couple of days of leaving! She is 11 years older than him and could easily pass for his mother.

Financially he is paying me what he needs to. Contactwise with the children he is having them overnight every other Saturday (at his parents house although he doesn't actually spend the night there with them, once he has put them to bed he goes back to ow) and one evening per week for dinner (again at his parents). That's it, no other contact or phone calls. He doesn't speak to me at all if he can help it, we literally haven't had one full conversation since he left.

He seems relatively happy with his new life, ow works in a pub so he spends all of his spare time there when he isn't at work. No signs whatsoever of any remorse or regret for destroying mine and the children's lives :(

I'm seeing a counsellor weekly, socialising with friends as much as I can, have started running regularly, doing everything I can to make the children's lives as ok and normal as I can. But I just feel so bloody miserable all the time, it just isn't getting better. I just can't seem to move past the betrayal from the one person that I loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world. I don't want to be the bitter ex but even nearly 9 months later I can rarely move my thoughts away from the situation, it literally plays over and over in my mind all the time :(

OP posts:
notagain2018 · 30/05/2018 23:36

I wish I had some amazing words of wisdom or advice for you OP. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you've had to go through this. Your whole world has been turned upside down and you don't even really know why. Not having answers or proper closure is a killer.
You are doing all the right things by getting out and about, exercising and counselling. The only thing now is time I suspect. 9 months isn't that long to be honest. Sending you Flowers

noego · 31/05/2018 12:00

Ask yourself a question. If you were to choose a man to spend the rest of your life with and be a father to your children, would you choose someone who is disloyal, dishonest, untrustworthy, selfish, uncommitted, undignified, and has no integrity?
I think she's done you a favour. You are doing well and it does get better. The only thing he has gained is someone who is exactly the same as he is. Don't beat yourself up about it. Keep moving forward. One day at a time. Don't overthink it.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/05/2018 12:11

It's a crap time.
After 15 years with my ExH, it took me a good year until I felt OK again.
It takes others far longer.
Don't rush this.
It's a massive grieving process and you have to go through all the stages.
You are doing all the right things.
So just keep going.
Power through the pain and you'll eventually see that light at the end of the tunnel.

FicusReligiosa · 31/05/2018 17:36

I wish I could say something enlightening and wise to soothe your pain... I'm in the same boat with you and all I can offer you is a handhold. They say it does get better. In the meanwhile, we have to brace ourselves and take one day at a time.
Wine

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