I am so tired of trying to make everything right and accept the way things are in my relationship of 25 years. I am miserable and just want this to end but don't know how.
I have been with my partner since my early twenties (we are not married), he is 10 years older than me and had not had any long term relationships before and was still living at home with his parents. Things were great in the beginning and we very quickly bought a house and lived happily together for a couple of years.
We had children, now 19 and 15, and looking back that is when things really started to go downhill. I am at fault, I have always looked after him and taken care of everything, including our finances. I have always worked full-time and worked gruelling night shifts when the children were young so that we didn't have to pay for childcare, he has a well paid job but chose not to do overtime.
For many years there has been no warmth, affection, cuddles or sex life between us. I have tried to instigate affection but he physically pushes me away. Over the years I've tried talking about it, cried about it, pleaded with him, explained how I feel and nothing makes any difference. He will not acknowledge how I feel and says that he doesn't feel that way about me but also says he doesn't want us to split up. He went ballistic when I had a brief affair 8 years ago and guilt tripped me into staying in our relationship so that I didn't let our children down, but then resumed the sterile relationship we have.
He is very unhappy in himself, but has always been that way and never wants to do anything to improve his situation and instead focuses on wanting to retire early. He lost has lost his temper a couple of times in the past and smashed up the house, which really frightened me but he says I am overreacting.
Something quite trivial has made me feel so down. My partner agreed to take our DS to a medical appointment as I was working and as usual let me down, no apology just tough. I don't know why I trusted he would do it because he has let me down so many times over the years and just expects me to deal with it.
I am tired of this. I made clear that his lack of love and care for his family is not acceptable, he told me my feelings aren't valid and I'm overreacting. Now, he has begun the silent treatment, which has progressed to not eating, this is his usual cycle until I give in. He will probably stop getting out of bed in the next couple of days.
I want this to end. I am really isolated, my mother passed away and my father lives overseas and we are not close. I have a few friends/acquaintances but don't want to burden them with this. Sorry to rant, just need to blurt it out as home feels so oppressive right now.