Heartache

[heartbrokeasaur]

DP, who I loved more than I've ever loved, broke up with me this past weekend. He doesn't want children, I do. I know it's right.

I know I will feel better eventually but any tips, reassurance that I won't die of this pain (sorry), advice, please please

You won't. You're now free to meet someone who does. There's no point when you get a deal breaker like that, the relationship can survive only so long once it's decided and almost always goes sour with deeper heartache. Try and console yourself the door to having kids is open now this one has closed x

I'm 30. I feel like I've missed my chance. I also can't imagine being with anyone else.

You can't imagine it now as you need to heal. You could stay with this man and never have a chance at all plus end up resenting and hating each other for it in the end

Or... you can heal and it's all still very possible.

I went through similar (not quite as I am a mum) with someone, I'm 34 and beginning to heal and believe it's all still possible plus I have fertility problems so it really doesn't look great... but hope is a wonderful thing. Hold on to it to see you through

I’ve just ended a short relationship (so I know not quite the same situation) because of this very issue. I really thought it could have turned into something special but I couldn’t give up the option of having children one day. You would come to resent him in the long run and it would eat away at you. I hope you’re ok

Thank you both of you. It hurts so physically, he's my best friend and my everything and now it's over and fuck I can't breathe. I work in the City and have to hold it together at work but the second I shut a cubicle door or leave I fall apart.

I was crying in a toilet cubicle yesterday so you’re not alone!

Ha I guess at least we aren't alone. Panic attacks already today.

Aahh my heart hurts for you. I had this but was 35. I cried in toilet cubicles and the moment my front door closed for about three months. You heal and move on and then feel hopeful again. But for now you have to remember that no relationship is worth giving up something as fundamental as children and being strong now will make you even stronger in the future. And you are being strong - holding it together long enough to escape your desk before you cry is quite frankly an achievement in these circumstances. Let yourself be sad and rely on people who love you to hold you up x

'I'm 30. I feel like I've missed my chance. I also can't imagine being with anyone else.'

I ended an 8-year marriage when I was 30 for the same reason. It was so very hard. But it was the right decision. You have NOT missed your chance.

Give yourself space to cry and grieve and go a little crazy.

Go ahead and fall apart in the toilets, or when you close the door. I then went wild, had some flings, went on holiday alone, just whatever I could do to distract myself.

But always remembering that no one is worth giving up your desire for children for. NO ONE.

For me, I knew in my heart of hearts that even if it didn't work out - I was infertile, say - I had to at least try to ever have hope of living in peace with myself.

That was 17 years ago. I have had 3 children.

The pain of that time is a distant memory.

You can do this!

Thank you for being so kind. Isn't it just fucking terrible.

I hope I do manage to have kids now after this pain.

heart, I looked into going it alone via a sperm donor and/or co-parenting in a platonic arrangement (either with a hetero man or a gay male couple) - you don't have to be in a hetero couple to be a family. Also consider freezing your eggs. Keep your options open! Someone will soon be along to tell you to adopt, but if that's not for you that is entirely okay!

You did what you needed to do for you. That's not a wrong decision.

Give yourself space, be gentle with yourself, don't doubt yourself, forgive yourself. ((((())))

I'm going to see him today. Don't judge me. I just can't not. He's as broken as I am and I just need to.

No judgement here OP, just a worry that he might dangle the promise of future children, just not right now.

My friend is now single and coming to terms with being childless due to a man like this.

Unless he's changed his mind I don't know what purpose there can be for meeting up, it's just more pain.

I dated someone who was happy with me having a child from previous relationship then decided he didn’t want children.

Also in my last relationship we were trying for 2 1/2 years with no reason that it didn’t happen. It will happen and you will meet someone who wants The same things as you.

What wagil said. With bells on!! 'I'm not ready just now. Gimme a couple of years.'

And a lot of people on MN will tell you, 'Oh, I'd wait. You have plenty of time at 32,' and tales of people having quads in their mid-40s.

But for every one of those there are people for whom it was too late.

I met up with my ex h several times after we officially split up, but we had divorce paperwork to do together and we also had to sell our house. BUT, he never once tried to dangle a carrot in front of me. He's nearly 50 now and never had any kids (he had a vasectomy during our divorce).

Stay strong! Don't fall for any carrot.

He isn't dangling any carrots. But we never argued, he's always been my best friend and biggest supporter and it feels like I've lost every limb. For many many years he has been the most kind, gorgeous, smartest hardline feminist, absolute angel and confidant. I don't know what the future holds, I just don't, but I had to be here. He looks as broken as I am, if not worse. I fucking hate life sometimes.

Do you understand his reasons OP? Do they make sense to you?

Well, he's obviously not that broken because he hasn't compromised. So that's that.

Have a search on here and you'll find legions of threads from women who put up with a man like this because they loved him more than themselves and what they needed in life.

And when they're in their 40s, he dumps them, is married to a younger woman in months and starts popping the sprogs, and it's too late for the woman they left.

Now that is heart-breaking.

Be true to yourself.

To be fair, having a baby isn't an area you can compromise on really.

Though I agree op is doing the right thing.

You’ll be fine OP! More than fine! I went through this exact same thing summer 2016, though I was 28. We split as I wanted kids, now, and he ‘might, someday, but don’t know when’. It came out over a few months he wanted to basically say ‘maybe someday’ and I wanted to start a family soon so we split. He did the dumping which hurt at the time but I’m enormously grateful for now as I know I’d have been miserable with him and dumped him a while later. No man is worth giving up having a family for.

I met someone amazing a few weeks (!) later, was straight on the second or third date about why my last relationship ended and that I wanted kids within the next few years or so. Didn’t put him off as he felt the same. We’ve been together coming up on two years, hoping to TTC next year. He talks about kids and babies all the time and is the first to want to hold a baby at a party, talks to random kids who run up to us at the park, brings up how we would like to parent in the future and has started a couple of savings accounts for a house and for a child, encouraging me to do the same. It’s lovely being with someone who wants the same things and I now realise whatever happens with my OH or my family plans, I’m so so much happier having broke free and having the chance of a family than I could have ever been wasting away the months and years with my ex while I felt like I was being held back and having a ‘maybe’ carrot dangled in front of me.

Stay split, fresh start. Are you gonna move? I moved into an amazing house share with an en suite in a busy fun part of a new city, housemates ranged from 21-40, perfect mix of socialising and new friends and solitude. Started a new course which has massively increased my prospects and earning power. Had an absolute blast dating and getting used to being single before committing to OH after a few months of knowing one another, moved in around a year in. Happily living together and planning for our future.

From what I can gather ex met someone quickly too who is younger and more fancy free and not in the stage of life I was at, suits him and he seems happy. We had a good few years but it wasn’t meant to be, I’m not fucking around with something precious and time limited as my fertility nor should he have had a baby he didn’t want.

Trust me OP, it hurts but it’ll pass and whatever happens you’ll look back as this being one of the best things that ever happened to you.

True, Rainy, he's staying true to himself and the OP needs to as well.

I met my now DH at the ripe old age of 38 (just!) I knew it was right. We had DS 2 years later and got married the same year.
Anything is possible...

Aw I know it really hurts now @heartbrokeasaur, the only consolation really is that you know you're doing the right thing.
As previous people have said, if you waited around on the chance he'd change his mind you might never get what you want. And you'd be so much worse off at 40 in this situation.
30 is nothing really. It's the average age to have a first child, so there are loads of people who will be older.

My DP and I broke up a few years ago because he wasn't sure he wanted kids and I was. I remember not being angry, just sad and a bit hollow.
A couple of months later he decided he would rather have me, and he is now really into the idea. (I know this is slightly different though, because in his case he was 26 and it was more that he'd never really considered it, but then he grew up a bit).

In a way, you're in a good place now, because you know what you want.
In a while, when you're ready (not now!) you can go out there and meet lovely men who want the same things as you.

Hello, OP here. I name changed for obvious reasons.

We got back together. We had a very long (until 5/6am then again most nights since) about all of it. He's ambivalent towards kids but not entirely anti and I know this man - he would not string me along. I've only just turned 30 so still have a few years and we have agreed to reassess in a year or two and to just be very honest and open about all this as time goes by.

A lot of people will think I'm being silly and it's a huge risk, I know that and I appreciate the time everyone took to comment. The thing is, he's my best mate, he's incredibly kind, smart, emotionally intelligent, he has strongly held principles that I share, he has helped me back into therapy as I've supported him through similar, he's also insanely beautiful and we have wonderful chemistry but that's less important,

I'm going to take it day by day and not stick my head in the sand. But right now, I feel happy and calm again and for now I believe this is right.