Really Low - Don’t know how to break it off with OH

[Heartofgold73]

Hi All,

I honestly don’t know where to start! I was a single mum with a 10 year old son (ASD) when I met my current partner, we got on well other than the normal relationship woes and a few issues where my son needed extra help. On the whole I thought we were good together. We moved in together 3 years later and had a daughter, who is now 3.

Thinking back, the problems started after we moved in together, the rows would get quite nasty and volatile. He has never been violent but gets very aggressive, he then storms out of the house and I don’t see him for hours. It’s a lot of things we argue about. He’s constantly negative towards my son, everyday he’ll go in at me about how messy my son’s bedroom is or how much drink my son is having or how much cereal he eats and milk he uses up. It’s got to the point he now hides the bigger bowls so my son can’t use them. He criticises how my son sits or if he forgets to shut a door or turn a light off! My son is very literal so doesn’t always notice things that we would. He struggles at school but is now trying to do his g.c.s.e’s. They have given him a pass to come home after his exams as it’s so much pressure. My partner then makes a comment to say he’s skipping school or been up to no good again. He has not once asked how he is getting on or shown any interest in his exams. My son hides away in his room so he doesn’t have to be with him. All this moaning is directed at me, he often calls me when I’ve left work to see if I’m coming straight home and tells me not to bother to go to the shop as he’s got dinner ready.

Aside from this, I’m being constantly judged. The house has to be tidy ALL the time or he’ll nag. He thinks it’s hilarious to make fun of me. He has a few times called my frigid or given me the silent treatment if I’ve turned him down for sex. He believes it’s my job to satisfy him as he doesn’t masturbate! I work full time so I’m shattered as also had a few health issues so I’m not always I the mood! I’ve got to have a scan soon as I might have a prolapse, I told him we have to refrain for a little while and his response was “Looks like blow jobs for a few months then
Xxx”.

I think the constant nagging and put downs has built up resentment, my son doesn’t like him. He loves our little girl and treats her so different. I’ve hinted at breaking up before and he tried to say that he was taking our daughter with him. I feel stuck, unhappy and just don’t know what to do. We own the house together.

Thankyou for listening xx

Well this is full on abuse.
And you know what you need to do.
Please contact Womens Aid and have a chat with them about how you exit this relationship safely.
It's no good for you or your poor DS.
It will damage him for life.
Does he work?
He can't just take your DD, that's just not how it works.
But you need to separate and soon.
See what WA have to say and take it from there.

Talk to Women's Aid. Your partner is abusive.

He should be supporting you, not making your life miserable. It must be especially awful for your son.

You own property jointly. You have a child. You are not married. You work. Does he work?

In any case, you need to see a solicitor. Get proper legal advice over what he (and you) can and cannot do with property and children when you split up. Find out what ducks to get in a row.

Well he’s not taking your daughter, that’s just not how it works.

Put your poor ds first and get him out of this abusive and damaging environment ASAP.

Thankyou so much for your replies, I really appreciate it. I’m so pleased that others can see what I am now seeing. I protect my son from him so much and my son hugs me a lot! A lot of the reasons for our arguing is due to me backing my son and OH hates it, says I go on the defensive all the time and reckons my son will own the house by the time his 18. He picks holes in ridiculous things!

I’m chatting to someone at work who is with changing pathways and says she can help but I’m scared at what he might do.

I’m meeting with a friend tomorrow but he has the ump as it’s the start of his off days from work, I can’t help that’s the only day she is free.

He’s very self pitying and I think is narcissistic as well

Xxx

Abusers often love and dote on little children because they do what they are told and dont often have a clear idea of what they want.

I could of wrote this about my ex. My son couldn't even go up the stairs without being acussed of going noisily up them purposely.

If he retreated to his room, he would follow him and continue to tell him off. These rows would go on for hours. Untill it exploded and it calmed down. Only for my ex to make out none of this would have happened if DS would have behaved and listened because I also didn't back him up.

So it was only mine and DS fault. Never his. Does that sound familiar?

Luckily we didn't own the house jointly.

I also think narrsassist.

In tears tonight, he’s already had a go at me again tonight about my son. He just doesn’t understand him.

I work very hard all week, this is my first week off since September and he’s had a go at me for not mowing the back garden.

I’m ringing women’s aid tomorrow. I’m seeing his sister and daughter from previous marriage on Saturday so once that’s done, I have to tell him. I need to get my son and daughter out of the house first and book some more time off work but I’ve reached the end of my tether xxx

well done.
You need to get him out...

What
Have
You
Been
Thinking ?
Please protect your son. Your post makes me feel sick.

It’s really hard to make a decision like this, but it’s absolutley the right one. Neither you nor your son deserve this abuse.

You are making the right decision. Your son need his home to be his home not where some man tries to control him and put him down. His attitude towards you and your son is disgusting. Stick to your guns. Your life and your sons life will be so much happier. It would break my heart if my DP treated my son like this.

Thanks everyone. I feel so on edge and nervous. I’m meeting my friend today and my son is coming with me, he gets on so well with her.

He’s already accused me of going to meet with a man who he called my lover! He also said my son is going is he’s found someone better than him who doesn’t go on. He honestly thinks I’m meeting up with a man! I bet you he rings me too to make out he needs to ask my something just to check up on me! Xx

Have you called Women's Aid ?

I would talk to the police domestic violence unit as he is emotionally extremely abusive and let them know everything you have told us here.

Can you write a diary and record everything? That will help clarify and provide evidence.

I would also start recording him and even say that you are going to, or ask the police to ( get police advice on that).

The worst thing you could do is keep all this a secret and so by letting everyone one in real life help you is the best thing so you are on the right track, well done.

If you are intimidated by him then do NOT downplay this.