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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I say anything?

27 replies

Fairyatheart · 30/05/2018 14:59

Ok, as simple and as short as I can.

My dear friend and her husband have been together nearly 20years. A few years ago she found out about him cheating on her and was completely crushed. He swore it was a one off and they stayed together as I do believe they do love each other. She has had suspicions about him cheating more recently and his behaviour has not exactly been very good. They have talked about it and he swore it was nothing again she has stayed with him.

I have found out last night, he had been cheating on her again albeit apparently this has now stopped.

She desperately wants to stay together and not end the marriage. So do I tell her or just stay out of it? I feel awful, when they are together they seem very happy, but I also know how devastated she was when this originally happened and how sad she still is now because of it all.

OP posts:
Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 15:09

I would like to Know, Even if it ruined my marriage. Id give him 48 hours to tell himself.

Horsesforcourses23 · 30/05/2018 15:11

Ok, so do you think I should tell him I know and tell him he has to tell her?

MMmomDD · 30/05/2018 15:11

OP - think about what you’d like her to do if she found out something about Your H.

If you decide to tell - be sure that your proof isn’t just hearsay.

Finally - if you stay quiet - chances are he’ll do it again, and eventually - be caught and it’ll all blow up anyway. Only she’d have wasted time.

Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 15:14

Yes i would tell Him i Know. Ans ofcourse be dead sure you are right! And i would tell the bastard he had 48 hours to tell her.

Horsesforcourses23 · 30/05/2018 15:24

It is 100% true, I have seen the evidence.

I am so sad she is going to be crushed.

Evigglad46 · 30/05/2018 15:27

I would absolutely tell Him to tell her. 48 hours.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/05/2018 15:51

Please tell her.
He's a sleazy creep and she needs to get an STI check!

Horsesforcourses23 · 30/05/2018 16:24

Evigllad46 - Yes I think I will do that

hellsbellsmelons - Oh god I never even thought about that.

I feel so sick that this is going to happen to her again...

SuperSuperSuper · 30/05/2018 16:27

My instinct is to say, "ring him, tell him you know, and give him until the weekend to confess" but you may inadvertently be giving him the opportunity to cover his tracks/invent a fairy story. He's done it before, so we know he's a slippery customer.

Therefore, regrettably, I think you should telll her.

Be prepared for an aggressive response. She may well take her anguish out on you, and say things that she won't mean. Take it on the chin. Good luck. You sound lovely.

Storm4star · 30/05/2018 16:52

I personally would tell her, but..I had a conversation with a friend just the other night (we're both single right now) where this scenario came up, and she said she wouldn't want to know and wouldn't be happy if someone told her. I was quite shocked. She was absolutely adamant on it so we ended up agreeing that if we did get partners, that she would tell me if mine cheated but that I wouldn't tell her if hers cheated!

I would still advise to tell her but be prepared that she might take it out on you unfortunately.

Jbck · 30/05/2018 16:58

Not sure if you namechanged in case she knows your username but you have reverted in your follow up posts.

loveyoutothemoon · 30/05/2018 17:47

Yes definitely

Horsesforcourses23 · 30/05/2018 18:03

Supersupersuper - I think she will be very upset, and I am worried about our friendship, I'm very upset that I'm going to have to tell her this. I do agree that he will weedle his way out but I also know she's had people mention things to her before. I know when it first happened mutual friends advised her to leave him and shes basically cut them off all together since then. I suppose I'll just have to see what happens.

I really can't understand any of it though. It seems such a waste, they seem to have such a good time when they're together and even she says they get on fabulously / did get on fabulously. It makes me wonder why he keeps doing this! :-(

Horsesforcourses23 · 30/05/2018 18:04

Oh god, I don't know what I've done there. Hopefully she won't recognise the fairy one, it was just on the very off chance...

Evigglad46 · 08/06/2018 19:11

What happened?

NotTheFordType · 08/06/2018 19:22

He keeps doing it because he enjoys having sex with a variety of people but doesn't have the courage to be honest and ask to open the marriage.

another20 · 08/06/2018 19:41

She might already know. She might be glad the relationship is over. But I would give her the evidence / facts and she can put that together with the jigsaw that is her life.

Don’t tell him - these cheaters spend their lives in a lie ducking and diving, manipulating and covering tracks - he will just do more of that and will turn it on you.

She can do what she wants with the facts - but think that she has the right to know to get an STI

Horsesforcourses23 · 08/06/2018 22:40

I did tell her, and like some of you posted it did not go down well at all. She was ok (ish) at first but I feel she thinks I've now ruined her marriage. I've not heard anything else from her, and I accept that. I feel terrible, really truly terrible that I have in part caused her pain, but she did need to know. I just hope that everything works out the way it's supposed to. Everything for a reason I suppose :-(

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2018 22:46

You did the right thing OP. He’s the cheating shit. He’s the one who’s ruined their marriage, again. You were being a good friend. I would want to know. Give her time. If she decides to stay with him, flogging the dear horse of his deceit and her fear of leaving him, she might not forgive you. But that’s her loss and you’ve still done the right thing by a friend you care about and want to be happy.

Lilymossflower · 08/06/2018 22:50

You have done absolutely nothing to ruin there marriage. He, the dirty scumbag, has done that all himself. Sadly congitive dissonance and Stockholm syndrome causes people to be in denial and turn on there friends though. I hope it smooths over xx you did the right thing ! Xx

Horsesforcourses23 · 08/06/2018 23:11

Thank you for your kind messages. I know deep down I have done the right thing, but omg it was awful and god forbid I ever have to go through that again. I have not tried to contact her again I just tried to text and call to see if she was ok and didn't hear back. Ive been very upset, altbough thst sounds selfish really now I've typed it! It's done now though :-( I just hope she's ok and knows where I am, and I did tell her that. No matter what she did I would still be there...

Lilymoss: I don't know what cognitive dissonance is? What is it? I've heard of Stockholm syndrome is it similar?

Someone also posted about open marriages and randomly we discussed this in work the other day. At least there's no lies with that. (One would hope at least) that's what I find so sickening!

GertieMotherwell · 09/06/2018 05:05

You did the right thing 💐 and hopefully she will realise this one day.

I have been in your friends situation and if my DH cheated again, I would want to know.

Horsesforcourses23 · 29/08/2018 21:49

I've brought this thread back to life, not sure if I should've started a new one or just continued on with this, but basically I miss and worry about my friend.

She never actually said she had fallen out with me after I told her, rather drifted off or fazed me out etc. I always thought she would stay with him or at least had an idea she would. It's been her anniversary recently and I text to ask how she was but no response.

Not really sure why I'm posting, I don't suppose there's anything I can do, just feeling a bit "meh" about it all. I'm maybe wondering if I should've just kept out of it! Honestly I think I feel more angry towards him than what she does!

Musti · 30/08/2018 03:21

You did the right thing.

another20 · 30/08/2018 08:24

Nightmare for you. You may well have lost your friendship for now and that is uncomfortable for you but remember she has lost her marriage even if they stay together, even if she hasn’t said anything to him (as that affair relationship was over), even if she is at this time in denial - she knows deep down it is over. These things take a long time to work through what ever the outcome. Shock can last months, she might be getting her ducks in a row, she might have erased this from her head and is just carrying on.
But you represent the truth - and the truth hurts even if she is choosing to stay with him (like she did before) and has cut you out - like she did with friends before.
I think you just want to help her get to the otherside and be happy but either she won’t do this or won’t do it with you. You just have to respect her situation for what it is right now. You still are the kindest, bravest friend she has. You did the best thing for her - might take her years to appreciate. Just still back until she comes to you - don’t agitate with further texts - she is in deep pain right now.

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