I think im just the worse person?

[darkinside]

LONG STORY

I dont know where to being with this. I am married to a wonderful woman and have a really intelligent amazing little girl. I dont know whats wrong with me. My wife digs at me all the time and i know it comes from a good place, as lets face it all men are at bit lazy and at least a bit selfish. I really exploded at her the other night (yes while we were both drinking) left her on her own at a concert and stayed at a friends. I not only exploded in front of her but her friends too. I said some awful things that are just not true over text, i was angry. I used to be so relaxed about stuff, but now i just only see the bad all the time.When actually she does so much and i just dont see it. She's talking about divorce and i really dont blame her. I just feel awful, ive really let her down and shown what a nasty piece of shit i can be. This isnt the first time ive done this either. I did it about 2 years ago. Ive really hurt her. Usually when i know im wrong i would do the usual give her space and be the best i can be and grovel. but i feel like im just lost, i dont think there is anything i can say or do to repair the damage ive done. Every woman deserves a loving understanding and caring husband, ive just turned into some sort of monster. I've honestly broken my own heart as i cant honestly ask her to stay with a man that bottles feelings and explodes. I Love her too much to hurt her again. I just dont know what to do. I used to think i was a nice guy and now i know im actually just an awful ungrateful selfish husband, . I know her friends now think am awful now, i havent talked to anyone about it as i dont really have any close friends anymore, and my wife wont talk to me. I'm currently waiting for a appointment for a counseling session as i feel lost scared and just awful. I feel so sorry for my wife and my little girl they deserve so much better. thanks for listening.

Look into getting some counselling for yourself.
Work through why you are doing this to yourself and to your family.

But for now.
Back away from her.
Give her all the space she needs and work on you.
You can hardly go back saying you've changed if you've done fuck all about it.
Have you looked into depression?
Have a chat with your GP about this while you are working on yourself.

Set up fair access to your DC and stick to it.
Pay proper maintenance until you have all of this resolved.

If you've pushed her too far without good reason (maybe depression) then sorry, but there's no coming back from that.

Thanks for being brutally honest. Yes i've spoken to my GP, i've spoken to IAPT as well and they have referred me for cognitive behavior therapy. There is never a question a of maintenance or fair access I will always do the right thing by my DC, i pay for the house and majority of the bills anyway and that wont change, unless she want to move and in that case i would help out too. I dont know if ive pushed her too far, but my behavior has been disgusting and i am not the person she deserves or needs.

You say your wife digs at you all the time, and that all men are lazy and a bit selfish - what's that all about? Does she have a genuine grievance against you? Are you leaving all the housework and childcare to her? Does she feel disrespected or neglected or overwhelmed? What has she told you she wants from you?

CBT isn't therapy. It's a very good set of base skills but it won't address your specific situation.

Definitely do the CBT course - as I said, very good basic skills - but do have a look at getting therapy for yourself. Have a look at the BACP site and research therapists in your local area.

Yes it will cost but some things are priceless. You need to find out what's going on, why you seem to suddenly explode from seemingly nowhere - there will be a reason, you just have to find it.

Good luck op