Unhappy in long term relationship

[Amlo93]

Hi I’m new to this, I don’t want any negativity I just want some advice.
I’ve been with my partner for 7 years we have a 5 year old/ nearly 6 year old together. The last couple of years together have been rough for us relationship wise we just don’t get on the way we used too, I think he has become a bit of a control freak and he can be really nasty at times, everything is always my fault, ridicules me for only having a part time job and calls me lazy even though we decided he would work full I would work part time bar job. I feel like I walk on eggshells.he picks on my looks, my weight anything he can pick on he will. im just not in love with him anymore but I do care for him obviously we’ve been together so long ,Sorry this is a long post. In the past year I have developed feelings for someone else at work he is lovely absolutely gorgeous and adores me. He has tried to kiss me once but I pulled away but wish I had kissed him but I couldn’t do that to my partner even though he is horrid to me, I just can’t stop thinking about him everytime I argue with my partner or he is horrible to me i think to my self why am I even with u when I could be so happy with someone who actually cares for me and is nice to me but I just can’t leave my partner i Don’t want to break his heart even though mine is breaking everyday sorry for the long post x
😭

You need to leave him.

You aren't in love and he's an abusive bully.

You can't make, imo, a rational decision on someone else whilst you're so unhappy with him so don't go there.

Your DP is controlling and abusive.
Never ever ever put up with abuse in a relationship.
You need to get away.
How would you feel if your DC was with someone like your DP?
What would your advice be when they are older?
You are modelling this relationship to your DC.
So they will either become abusive or be a 'victim' like you are.
Only you can change this cycle of abuse.

Forget the OM for now - he's a red herring.
Don't get involved with that.
Get out and away from your abuser first.
You don't know this guy really well.
Your DP was probably lovely to begin with.

Thank you for your reply I know I need to leave him we’ve split before but I felt so guilty and took him back I think i just need to be alone but other guy has just put a few things in perspective how I really need to be treated opened my eyes I don’t think anything would come from me and him just nice to know someone else can like you when u feel so unloved 🙂 thanks xx

Neither your abusive partner or perhaps the other person who fancies you is right for you. That man has done you a favour though in that he has shown you what a relationship with a nice non abusive man can be like. You need to be on your own with your DD now as abusive men can take time to recover from.

Don't remain stuck on the sunken costs fallacy; that is basically enabling you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. You have been with him for some years now but a bad investment is not going to suddenly become good. He won't ever say sorry to you or apologise; this is who he is. He's already trashed your heart and relationship even though you state you do not want to break his heart(again you've been way too nice here and he saw that within you to exploit for his own ends).

Why can't you leave your abuser?. What is stopping you from making the break with him?. Fear of him, fear of the unknown, your child?. None of those are good enough reasons to stay and be abused by this individual. You seem nice (probably way too nice and he has latched onto that, this man did target you really) but this man you are with has really given you no consideration whatsoever and his actions are certainly not loving ones. Walking on eggshells is to my mind code for saying living in fear. That is no existence for you or your child who is seeing all this at first hand too, she is seeing her mum being abused and it will emotionally harm her.

Do call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 as they can and will help you further.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here?.

Would you want an abusive relationship or a version of for your DD as an adult, no you would not. You should not either show her that this treatment of you from her dad is still acceptable to you on some level.

Thank you just needed to get things off my chest as I have no one to talk to about this thank you I’m going to sort this but don’t know where to start x x

You split up once; you can do so again but this time make the split permanent.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. That is a question you should also ask yourself.

I would also recommend you enrol yourself onto the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid so you are in a better position to spot red flags in future. Men like your so called partner take an awful long time, years even, to recover from and that will only start when you are completely away from him. Do it for you as well as your child, she cannot afford to keep on seeing her mother being abused by her father.

You've taken a small but significant step in writing here; that is your first step out. Abuse thrives on secrecy; time to bust the truth re him wide open. Do not keep your abuse of you a secret any longer.