Feeling fedup

[anonanon2018]

Hello mumsnetters!

I’m writing on here anonymously. Today I just feel the need to vent and as I feel like I am going to explode like Vesuvius at some point! Sorry this is going to be a long one...

I am a full time working mum and it’s DH behaviour that is getting to me.

I pretty much feel like a single mum/Singleton in my marriage. I do everything and I do mean everything in this marriage, around the home and all parental responsibilities.

Some background....

Whilst on maternity leave my DH told me when I returned to work I needed to look for another job with a higher salary in order to take home an additional £1,000 a month in order to give to him.

My DH earns 4 times as much as what I do, which of course he does work hard for and in a stressful environment. He pays the rent and nursery fees which are both astronomical. It was his choice to live in an area that commands high rents and where we live now (of which I’d happily move out of to bring costs down - I never wanted to live here in the first place but I had no say in the matter).

My salary pays all bills, food shopping, all household items, to run a car, all items for DC which includes all clothing and Christmas/birthday presents and anything else required, the buying of all birthday/Christmas presents for both sides of the family and of course my own expenses such as travel, mobile etc. So at the end of the month I’m unable to save anything as I don’t have a high salary. I rarely buy anything for myself as I just can’t afford to.

We spoke before DC was born in regards to buying a property so that we could have a garden and more space. This is no longer on the cards as during an argument stated by my DH, as I (me) do not have a large lump sum to give half of the deposit. So my DH does not want to buy somewhere as he does not believe it is fair on him to provide the deposit. Although he did say he’d consider buying somewhere as long as my name wasn’t on the deed.

It then turned nasty and it became clear he is unhappy that I do not have a high paid job nor educated to a very high level (and he has always known what I earn and that I never went to uni).

In regards to our DC, again I do everything. Whilst on maternity leave I of course was very happy to get up during the night for DC but now when DC wakes up DH refuses to get up during the night and of course I still have to get up and go to work. I take DC out as much as I can at weekends and play whilst at home. DH in the other hand sits all day watching his iPad with his headphones on completely ignoring both me and DC. I wouldn’t mind if it was for a couple of hours for him to relax but it is all weekend (and actually pretty much every evening)! I never have anytime to myself as I’m either looking after DC or catching up with chores. On the very rare occasion I do go out it is only for a couple of hours during the day. Most of the time I take DC with me.

When DC was first born DH did not take paternity leave. He’d come home and make his own dinner (and not offer to make me anything) then went straight to bed without me having had he opportunity to look after myself (had second degree tear), have a bath, clean my teeth etc whilst he could have looked after DH. He'd come home and rarely said a word to me. I started to feel a bit depressed and said to him one night “you’re the only person I see all day, I would like to have some conversation when you come home and also just talk to my DH”. The response was... “perhaps you should have married xxx (one of his friends) if you wanted to have a conversation”!

He refuses to make any meals for myself and DC ever, and stated he’d make his own after DC was born. He rolled his eyes once when I asked him to put some bread into the toaster for me and made a big issue out of it.

I undertake all chores/maintenance - everything you can think of.

He never wants to go anywhere or do anything with me and DC. I do the best I can to make sure DC is taken out instead of being stuck indoors all day.

DH has never once taken DC out on his own and refuses to do so.

I guess I’m trying to articulate that nothing in our lives are shared but it’s definitely for not want of trying on my part.

DH recently announced he was stressed and that myself and DC are the cause of his stress.

The other night he questioned if DC was actually his as DC doesn’t take after DH in anyway shape or form (thank god!). Which was very hurtful as I’ve always been 100% faithful. He said it was a joke roll eyes.

These are just only a couple of examples.

I feel really down, this doesn’t seem like a marriage to me and he doesn’t make any effort with me and DC. After raising it so many times about his behaviour, DH still refuses to at least try and change.

I do actually think DH has depression which has seemed to have started after we got married (looking back now) and has gotten worse over the past few years. He rarely says more than a few words in the evenings/weekends.

I am now taking steps to try and better myself in regards to career and want to undertake a qualification to increase my earning potential, but of course these things take time. But I'm not one that is motivated by money.

I try to be the best Mum and wife I can, but I’m so stressed and quite frankly f’ing exhausted and I feel like I’m becoming a very unhappy person of which I am the complete opposite ordinarily.

I am not sure anyone can give much advice, I think I just needed to sound off to someone not involved.

Thank you! Sorry, that was almost as long as War and Peace!...

Sounding off is all very well and good but the underlying problems remain. This is not a marriage you should at all remain in.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is stopping you from leaving this man; this man who amongst other things has even questioned if these children are his. He has put you in this hole you are now in but you can and should dig your way out.

I would be contacting both Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women in your particular circumstances and start planning your exit from this so called marriage.

You are carrying all the mental load and more besides in this relationship but the power and control balance here is well skewed in his favour. You are totally unequal here in this relationship and this is how he likes it.

I would argue that he is not infact depressed at all or at least not in the ways you think he is. I would also think he is all sweetness and light around his work colleagues and or people in the outside world; he saves all this abusive treatment of you for you and in turn your children as well. He was probably lovely before you got married but reverted to type i.e. abusive once you married him and also when these children came into being. This is who he is.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning here from the two of you?.

Would you want your children to have a relationship like this when they are adults?. No you would not. If its not good enough for them its not good enough for you either.

Thank you AttilaTheMeerkat for the reply.

Sadly, I get nothing out of this relationship. I guess I am afraid of leaving due to finances..

Thank you very much for the details of Womens Aid and Rights of Women, both of which I were unaware of until your reply.

Indeed, I am totally unequal in this relationship, and I never really stopped to think that DH this is how he likes it.

Yep, thats him. The sweet, shy retiring type to colleagues and the outside world and was once upon a time.. before we got married!

It is so true, I would never want my children to have a relationship like this, infact I'd be mortified.

Thank you so much for your reply xx

This sounds like a horrible situation to be in and your H sounds like an awful man. I can't believe he didn't help when you were recovering from birth and looking after a newborn- that, to me, is unforgivable. I remember how hard that time is and how vulnerable you feel. I also feel desperately sad for your DC - it sounds as though your H really hasn't bonded with them?
I think you can honestly say you have given your everything to try to make this relationship work but I'm not sure you can. You sound like a loving and generous person - I hope you find the strength to leave and find someone who deserves you and makes you happy.

Hey. I agree with the others, this marriage is a joke. He's not pulling his weight and is not interested. You seem completely mismatched.

I wouldn't ring women's aid tho as it's not DV. It's a relationships breakdown.

What I'd do if I were you is move away to somewhere you like and can afford. Find a private rent and apply for full housing benefit. Work part time and job done.

During the split be very careful of all interaction with ex. Simply avoid him and don't listen to anything he has to say.

You will be fine in no time, this is not a good man xxxxx

How are finances stopping yo from leaving, that is a genuine question.

You cannot stay within this purely because of finances; he is also financially abusive and you are being ripped off by him left, right and centre. He has you paying for virtually everything whilst he keeps the majority of his money. He is not wanting to share anything.

You really do need legal advice and asap; as mentioned the Rights of Women organisation and Womens Aid can and will help you here. WA can be of help because this is an abusive relationship and abuse is about power and control. This individual wants absolute over you and your children.

You could also go and see a locally based Solicitor re separation. Knowledge after all is power. Do not keep on doing your bit here to show your kids that this type of marriage is or could well become their norm too.

I wouldn't ring women's aid tho as it's not DV. It's a relationships breakdown
Rubbish.
He is abusive. It's obvious from what the OP has written.
Emotionally and financially at the very least.
Do give them a call - don't be put off.
If they can't help you then they will tell you themselves.

Do you have any family or friends you can confide in?
I'm assuming your upbringing wasn't the best?
Hopefully I'm totally wrong with that.

Want better for yourself.
If this relationship would not be good enough for your DC then why is it for you?
Stop listening to your DH words. They mean nothing.
You CAN do this on your own.
It's not going to be easy but you certainly can do it.

Stop changing yourself for a nasty 'man.
Set a good example to your DC.
Get out and get away.
And do it soon before he knocks your self-esteem down any further.

Aww thank you KatnissK! I think its very sad too for DC that DH can't be bothered, it really upsets me. He's (DH) missing out; then he wonders why DC wants mummy all the time! Duh!

something2say you completely hit the nail on the head! No interest! Thank you, I don't know anything about full housing benefit but will look into it.

AttilaTheMeerkat you are so right, no-one should stay in circumstances just purely because of finances. I'm just concerned naturally, that my salary isn't enough to also pay a monthly rent and childcare fees. I will get in touch with Rights of Women organisation and Womens Aid and I guess they would be able to inform me of any help I might be eligible for, and of course DH would also have to pay some sort of child maintenance, but of course wouldn't want to rely on that.

Thanks hellsbellsmelons! My BF knows bits but not the full extent, I guess I'm just feeling a bit embarrassed - god knows why, I haven't done anything!

Thank you all for your replies and help xx