Tell me what to do

[looksfamiliar]

I have 2 very young DCs with XP and we share a jointly owned property which we have both contributed to but me a bit more.

I have been advised by solicitors that I don't have any rights to the house as primary carer as we are not married and the relationship has completely broken down. About a year ago I realised he was abusive after an incident where he didn't speak to me or sleep in the same bed with me for several days because I had pulled the wrong face. When he was ready to talk to me again he wanted sex. I agreed but during I asked him to stop before finishing, he carried on and inseminated me against my express wishes.

I asked him to leave but he only went for a few days and I weakened. Weeks later I became pregnant with our second baby because I didn't feel comfortable asking him to stop.

Now we have another child and I have asked him throughout the pregnancy and since the birth of our lovely baby to leave, he refuses. He is now refusing to leave unless we sell the house and split the equity, this would make it very hard for me to afford to stay in this affluent city working part time, with two children.

I spoke to women's aid and they have told me he is definitely abusive and quite seriously so. I have managed to persuade him to give me some space for a couple of days but he is coming back tomorrow. I am very hesitant about changing the locks as I know this is illegal, also if I seek a non molestation order it just seems so over the top and too late in the day, he will be so furious and I will be made out to be crazy.

But I don't want him to come home, the atmosphere is awful and I feel frightened even though he's never hit me. He says we are separating because he can't take how bad I treat him but I think it's because I wont give him sex anymore. He has always been coercive around felatio and I won't do it anymore. So he is angry but won't go. He says he is worried I'm going to take the kids and doesn't trust me.

He put off going away for a couple of days but in the end I begged him. He says he might move out for a year but I don't him, he will just drag his feet.

Just looking for some input, I can go to my family who live several hours away but I don't think they think he is abusive and that I am overreacting (DM doesn't know about the sex stuff).

I think I might be entitled to legal aid if I go through the courts to get the house somehow but I would have to evidence DV, and this terrifies me. He has never hit me. It would ruin his life.

I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

There will be some others on here able to give you some good advice no doubt. Women's aid are a excellent resource to lean on so keep talking to them.

Wishing you all the best for your future. You can do this.

Anyone?

Can you sell up and move to a cheaper area?

You do have options op.

You are right, you have no right to deny him access to the property. You need to sell and go separate ways. A solicitor can advise on the correct split. Do not change the locks as this is illegal.

Sell and move somewhere cheaper. That's your option OP. Please consider this.

I also think you should agree to sell up and move to be closer to family and friends.
Speak again to Womens Aid.
They can help you with local solicitors in your area that specialise in dealing with abusive assholes like your DP.
If they can't help then contact Rights of Women, they can also help.

He might not be physically violent but you are scared of him and intimidated by him.
He is a rapist so not much wonder.
Go to the police about him raping you. Get a non molestation order. Keep him out of the house whilst you make decisions.
Tell your mum he is a rapist.

So he did not stop when you asked him to?

You know what that means

Unfortunately you are looking for the best solution for yourself - fine but there isn’t one.

If he moved out His name will still be on the mortgage and no doubt you will have to pay it all if he is funding himself.

Even if you report the rape he will still own the house.

Also although you may get an order excluding him from the home, it will still be half his

So sell up or buy him out

So he did not stop when you asked him to?

You know what that means

Unfortunately you are looking for the best solution for yourself - fine but there isn’t one.

If he moved out His name will still be on the mortgage and no doubt you will have to pay it all if he is funding himself.

Even if you report the rape he will still own the house.

Also although you may get an order excluding him from the home, it will still be half his

So sell up or buy him out

Thank you.

I can see the advantages of selling up. If I stayed where we are I would fall between two stools in that I wouldn't be able to buy anything vaguely suitable for 2 boys, and if I rent I will eat away the equity to make up the shortfall while I wait to be working enough to buy something decent.

But it still makes me angry and a bit sad that I have to leave a good part time job and a lovely city where I have lived for nearly twenty years and my children will not get to have the benefits of that. I'm not a snob but I have worked so hard to have what I do now and I feel as though it will all be taken away. But I know I should really be counting my blessings and sever the ties if I can.