My neice is the OW. How do I talk her out of it?

[NCforthisthread18]

Ok, I know I can’t really. But I’m so upset for her that she’s got herself in this position.

Apparently she’s been seeing him for a year. He’s wined, dined, taken her on romantic weekends away etc. And she’s totally hooked.

He has been married 20 plus years and has 3 dcs for goodness sake! There’s a 16 year age gap between them.

She’s always been quite easily influenced and if I’m honest, can be very selfish at times. But she’s also incredibly loving and trusting. He is wealthy and gives her lots of attention (the old well trotted out story of my wife doesn’t understand me, we got married too young, we’ve not had sex since the youngest was born yadda yadda yadda) and she is quite vulnerable and easily flattered.

What do I do to help her?

She can get support or read hiw it is for 'The other' in a relationship.

board.truthaboutdeception.com/community-features/message-board/10-being-the-other-person.html

I was cheated on numerous times & my ex's friends covered it up even though we were 'joint' friends.
It destroyed me & floored me for 6 years until I met my now DH

I wish someone had told me. I'll never forget it, now he's with her & they are married.

I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The poor lady she deserves to know her husband is scum,

Also your niece needs to know if he can cheat to be with her he can cheat on her too!

I feel for you I wouldn't know what to do I think maybe make sure she knows you will always be there when she needs you but right now you need space as you don't agree with her choices?!

helenvelyn I think it's easy to get swept along.

A man I know told me a couple of weeks ago that he has feelings for me. Tbf to him, he didn't pursue an affair or say much beyond "in a different time and place..." but I'd just ended a very damaging relationship and was emotionally vulnerable and, for about a week, I allowed myself to dream...

I can see the appeal of a married man to some women - he has shown he is capable of love and commitment; he seems stable and settled...

I know this man's girlfriend but only to say hello to so, in order to stop my heart running away with silly ideas, I made an effort to spend a bit of time with her and learn about her as a person.

She's amazing and lovely. She's no longer 'his girlfriend', she's an interesting, amazing, talented woman and very likeable with it.

I think that seeing/understanding this man's wife might be key. Not just knowing that he has one, or how devastated she would be, but knowing who she is as a person and seeing a connection between them might just break the spell for her. Is there any way of achieving that?

I'd just show her this thread to be honest, or one similar. Unfortunately, there's lots of these around. Or show her a thread on how it feels to be the wife in this situation? The devastation it causes a family that she will be responsible for. It's a wake up call she needs.

She is not going to end it and the only way that he will end it is if his wife finds out. Ask to meet him to welcome him into the family ir some other such nonsense and once you have figured out who he is find his wife and tell her. The alternative is that your Bruce wastes years on him at the cost if finding some who actually loves and respects her.

I have no respect for people who cheat. There are loads and loads of decent single people out there, no need to fuck around with someone else's partner.

I'd echo what a PP said. I'd tell your niece she's being a total mug, that you disapprove and you don't want to hear a thing about it until it's over. Leave the ball in her court.

Hi OP I do not think you are supporting the affair your loyalty is with your niece.

Unfortunately all you can do is talk to her and explain to her that what she is doing is morally wrong and that one day she could be in the same position as his wife and ask her whether she would like it.

Have you spoken to her parents about it?

The problem is if you approach him about the affair and threaten to tell his wife you could end up causing problems between yourself and your niece and who knows who else.

Normally I would be against interfering in such affairs, but since your niece is wasting her life with this tosser, now might be a good time to break that rule. Since I doubt your niece will listen to reason, this means going either to him or his wife.

Your niece is knowingly helping to destroy another woman. I would simply tell her that and what she decides from there will be determined by her moral compass. If she can happily collude with this twat to destroy his wife then she is not a person I would have time for.

Don't pussyfoot around with him making a mug of her, her wasting her life etc. Even if his intentions were entirely sincere (they aren't of course) her behaviour would still be disgusting and you should tell her that. She deserves revulsion not concern.

OP i have been there. One of my young relatives ( let's call her A) 2-3 years ago confessed to me that she had started an affair with a man 25 years (i think it was about that) older than her. First thing i asked was, Is he married???? And yes, he was... He had a DS close age as her.

I was so shocked. She asked me not to tell anyone and she was so relieved that she could speak to someone about it.

From what i was told he was very sweet with her, spoiled her, went away together. AND when i asked her, what about his wife???? I got the same story as every OW propably has, she is a terrible person, she is having affairs with different men, he was so hurt before he met me, they live in same house for the sake of DS and waiting for him to leave, they sleep in different rooms, they are going to divorce etc etc...riiiight....

When i found out all this the affair had been going on for a whole year.

I wanted to shake her! All i could do was give her a taste of reality and perspective. And try pointing out that most married men are happy continuing the affair with no intention of coming clean. And to keep her eyes open and to question everything he says. A few months later it ended.( Sorry, lunch break over have to back to work or else would have elaborated)

Thank you for posting that Stardust91. That is really helpful and you are absolutely right about the feeling of wanting to shake her! It’s always the same story the MM comes out with, isn’t it?!

The problem is that she does really believe it’s love. That they are some sort of star crossed lovers and that one day they can be together.

I’ve pointed out that because the relationship started on a cheat, it’s not the romance of the century. It’s a sordid sneaky affair based on a lie.

But how do you get through to a lovestruck young fool?

You can't get through to a lovestruck fool like her.

When I was younger I had a friend who was an OW. Like your neice, she really believed it was love. He had a wife and young dc. He kept telling her he would leave his wife to be with her. This went on for years. He loved her and wanted to be with her, but the time was never right for leaving his wife.

Eventually, he left his wife and then dumped my friend soon after. She was devastated. It was awful.

It's a difficult spot to be in, isn't it? Or at least for me it was. On one hand i appreciated the trust she showed me in telling me all this, on the other hand a part of me wished i never knew simply because i didn't know what to do.
I couldn't tell her parents, she was an adult and their relationship wasn't a very good one at that point (I didn't want to add fuel to the fire). Another reason why she got so much invested in the affair with the MM, whenever she and her parents had an argument she would turn to him for comfort and support.
I didn't know him or his wife so couldn't do anything there.
All i could do as i said was to try and talk some sense into her. Not easy since she was a lovestruck young fool as well!
I asked her to look into the future and where she saw them in 5-10 years time. Her MM was 'old' with a grown up DC. If he ever divorced would he want to start over by having another DC? What about her maternal wants?
Every time I brought her back from the fantasy world she had created by pointing out things she would tear up.
She had to move away for studies so their affair didn't survive the distance. She also met new people her age, started going out and now she is dating a guy similar age as her.
Is your niece socializing with people her age group? Going out, etc? I think that played a big part with my relative. She wasn't going out before she moved away, no friends to talk to either so she was vulnerable and craving for affection. Her family situation didn't help either. She confided everything to him.
I managed to write an essay again..sorry..

Another incredibly helpful post, thank you so much @Stardust9!

What you have written is almost exactly the situation with my DN. except the bit about studying. She is seriously deluded by this man. And, to be fair, I think he’s convinced himself that he’s in love with her too from the sounds of things. I get the feeling he’s one of those types who needs to believe he’s a still a good guy but a victim of circumstance. He and his wife apparently married very young, before he really did meet the “one”.

They’ve managed to convince themselves of their star struck status and I think the only thing I can do is just be there for her when it all comes crashing down, which of course it will sooner or later.

Argh! It’s so frustrating! She’s a bright girl in many ways but she is really letting herself down with this affair. I have to admit that I am disappointed in her.