To Feel Undatable

[RoyalSchmuck]

I’ve had one boyfriend. One. That lasted six months and he cheated on me throughout the whole relationship (I found out one fateful night and broke it off).

Although guys might show interest there’s none who actually want to officially date me. I’m always the friend with benefits / casual hookup, and I’m not sure how I fell into this awful cycle with men.

It’s not that I set out for these set ups, I go into them thinking we will have a relationship only to be hit with the “oh we’re not dating” speech when I ask them to clarify what we are.

I’ve just broke out of an arrangement that has left me feeling shit and absolutely crap about myself, making me wonder if I’m just undatable. How is it possible that I can have this much bad dating luck?

When people say “try focusing on you for a while” I have to awkwardly admit I’ve spent 5 (almost six) years doing just that after my first relationship disaster which broke me and this was my attempt at putting myself out there and to try date. But they’ve all ended in me being hurt, even when I’ve tried to step back and be ‘casual’.

I honestly feel like giving up. I’d understand if I was too clingy, but if im being honest I’m actually quite laid back and chill when I date because I never try to get my hopes up. As soon as I begin to thaw and warm up that’s when they tend to admit that they never actually wanted anything more and they thought I didn’t either.

I actually gave it a shot at casual dating (basically a hookup scenario when I was feeling pretty low and really didn’t feel like trying for another relationship and truly thought I didn’t want it) and ultimately ended up shooting myself in the foot by falling for him.

I’m just not a clingy person natural so I’ll never be the girl who texts constantly, tags in stuff or needs constant attention because I’ve spent so long alone I’m comfortable being by myself.

Sorry, I just needed a place to have a bit of a moan and a whine!

It sounds as though you've tried to protect your heart by, as you say, stepping back and being laid back, chill and 'casual'. Players will take full advantage of such a stance.

How would you feel about next time leaning into the passion and excitement? It's OK to let on that you're looking for something serious.

Without wishing to get too psychological about this, OP, have you thought about your original family scenario and how this might have had an impact on the types of men you are choosing? Could you unconsciously be attracting men who are unavailable? Sometimes, it's possible that we read entering a close relationship if deep down we are worried we may not be loveable. In other words, it could be a self esteem issue. It's unlikely you're "undateable" but more probable that you doubt yourself and you may be giving off this signal. It's just a thought...this may be way off the mark. As Typer says, maybe you need to show you want something serious. Show your vulnerability and you will find that that is a very attractive quality.

fear entering not "read"!

you sound perfect to me.. not near Doncaster are you? ;) lol.

the only advice I'd give is to stay out of bed with men until you're in a relationship.
but date, hang out, see each other etc.. don't rush into the sexualnside of things until you are ready and you are sure it has legs.
a decent guy that wants to be with you will happily date and honour and bout until you're official. if they're not willing to wait then Chuck them nd think your stars you didn't get invested any further.

also.. I'd give the advice to make sure you know what time and when you have time free. I've dated a few women that start out with promising all the time in the world, but it never materialises and eventually it's one date a fortnight or a couple hours a.month.. one girl could spare 45 minutes in 3 weeks.. what's the point of that.. lol.

Gave your comment a long thought Dappledsunlight and I think you might have hit the nail on the head. I think in some way I do end up with people who I know aren’t available — I just can’t understand why I do it! There must be something surely?

Typeractive — I’ve tried this and again only end up hurting myself. I don’t want to try again

KlutzyDraconequus - alas I’m not! I value the advice though, especially about “not being free” because that always happens!

Live and learn don’t we I suppose

Sometimes I think we can seek out unavailable partners because we fear the dangerous and messy business of a real, adult relationship. The childlike part of us can convince ourselves we're in a relationship whilst all the while maintaining a safe distance. It's a risk to enter a relationship and discover whether we can be loved and love another in return especially if our caregivers have not given us full confidence to believe we are worthy of real love. So fear is at the root of this behaviour IMO, OP.