What to do

[Underestimated]

Hi,I need some good advice,I am in a rut and reaching a point where I need to make a decision.The point I am reaching is how to be the man I used to be,you see my crown has been knocked off since my wife decided to cheat on me,and with that my whole world was tumbled upside down.She used to be my backup when ever I needed it,my everything I relied on as she was steadfast and a good partner in marraige.We are known to be a great couple,but the incident and the aftermath has made it a daunting task.I have never loved someone as much and she was all I needed until she needed someone else.Our arguments are a quest for power,and she just isnt giving me my kingship back in order to make her feel like a queen again.She sometimes makes me feel important,but it doesnt last long,making me insecure regarding our marraige.Her guilt has made her fefensive and every squibble becomes an argument where I am on trial,leaving me with more questions than answers.I am indecisive as divorce and staying have pros and cons.How do I go about getting my kingship back after its been crushed?

First of all, stop saying ‘kingship’.

Second of all, I think if an affair has happened and you are both arguing a lot then wouldn’t it be better to divorce and meet people who you can both be truly content with?
Its horrible being cheated on so you have my full sympathies there, but it doesn’t sound like either of you are happy anymore

OP - don’t have any specific advice, and each situation is different.
Affairs don’t always lead to divorces and people do manage to get through them - with counselling and soul searching, on both sides.
A couple I know, going through counselling - found this book helpful. And the author’s TED talks as well.
Good luck

Hmm kingship? I thought that was just an insta thing, didn't realise anyone said it in real life. Anywho affairs are really hard to get over, im sure someone will be along who's gone through it will offer some kind words of advise. Have you considered therapy?

Sorry but I have no idea what kingship is.
But.... you sound like you leaned on her a lot.
You sound needy as well which is not an attractive trait.

I am assuming you are still together at the moment?
What is she doing to reassure you this won't happen again?
Is she giving you answers to all your questions about the affair?
Is she remorseful about the affair?
Do you have kids together?
If no kids - then cut and run now.
While you stay, you won't be able to build up your confidence.
You'll be reminded every time you look at her that she shagged another man.
It's not easy to get over. And you don't HAVE to get over it.
I'd get out (I did get out).
It's a deal-breaker for me.

Thanx for advice its much aprreciated.Struggled to get a better descriptive word for feeling appreciated as her one and only man,but anyway kingship happened.As for being needy I would have to comment that we have been through alot and we did everything together for the past 2 decades,and the affair was caught before contact was made,but I am over that part,my problem is what to do If I dont feel appreciated anymore.I dont lack confidence at any level,my only fear is will staying together be a mistake.

my only fear is will staying together be a mistake.

You make a valid point. Why did she feel the need to have an affair? Does she feel that something is missing from your relationship? Or was she just bored and craved the excitement?

Do you think she will do it again?

I would seriously think about why you want to stay together in the first place. Affairs can shatter trust irreparably. Could you still trust her?

Why waste any more time on someone who has no respect for you or your relationship?

She obviously isn’t/wasn’t happy as she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. Poor form on her part

a little more than a year has passed and It has become clear that we cannot have a conversation without a fight, Yes I had an affair and i am sorry it was a moment of insanity, I cannot give you the exact reason why i became so vulnerable to let it happen. It wasn't the type of affair where we were intimate and planning a life together without you. It started as bantering and before I realized it went to far. I am sorry, I can see the damage that was done to our relationship. You speak about how i was your support and that we were a happy family. The night you woke me up asking who the other person were and what the texts meant my entire life as i knew it changed for the worse. I could not think of being your wife and being worthy of your love and building another decade together. I thought that I made a mistake that can not be fixed, I saw you slowly fading away looking at me in another way. I made the appointment to see a therapist and we went for a session. I just cried the entire session, thinking how worthless I am for messing up such a perfect partnership. As the days past and you asking all the questions of why did I look for that type of attention anywhere else and not turning to you and me not being able to answer you, simply because I do not know why, I do not know why I let my guard down, I don't know why I didn't see the signs before it went to far, I don't know. I could see that these answers were not sufficient and I wished i could tell you that it was because I didn't love you anymore, or that you don't turn me on anymore, but that wouldn't have been true. Because I love you and you still turn me on.I were like a ghost in the house while you are asking questions. I kept on asking for time to think and to process what has happened, but you do not agree with taking time, Weeks have gone by and we both were doing research on affairs, infidelity and dishonesty, I am walking on egg shells and scared to take the wrong step, and be accused of not ending the relationship with the other person, or being accused of being to flirty with other men. I keep on telling myself that I deserve to not to be trusted anymore and so I thought the healing process is now in full swing.I could regain your trust and we can start over. But the sleepless nights with constant questions and accusations is overwhelming, by then we were not even cooking anymore or spending time with the kids and just sitting in our bedroom fighting over what I have done. I decided that it would be better if we got a divorce with the mind set of 2 Happy homes is better than 1 unhappy home for the kids. What is busy happening in our home is not healthy and we need to do something about it. And you might argue about this, but every time that I mentioned that we should get a divorce you were the one who tried to talk some sense into me, assuring me that we can work through this.And because I love you and then decide against the separation but this is a viscous cycle even though we are not fighting about the other person or what I have been doing during the day we can still not see eye to eye and agree on anything.My thinking is as follows; I thought that when you told me that you were also unfaithful some time ago and keeping it a secret from me until now, was a sign that you are willing to move forward and start a renewed marriage, but every now and then I would get the feeling that this is not the case.You are in the mindset that I do not respect you as a husband and father to our kids, but I cannot understand what type of respect it is that you would like, because I am not disrespectful towards you when we are in the company of others. I assume that when we are in conversation with each other is when you feel that I am disrespectful towards you, I now see our relationship as equal and it was an opportunity for the both of us to understand how the other person must feel in certain situations. In the last year there were a lot of humiliations, fights and miss trust between us, we were both not ourselves lately and the stuff that happened in the last few months also have an effect on how we see each other. I truly believe that the signs are there that you have not forgiven me for what i have done, but I am worried that you do not realize that I am going through the same emotions as you, I also have questions regarding infidelity and would also like to know the same things as you but through respect and truly being sorry for what I have done I am forcing myself to try to forgive and forget. Without playing the blaming game I would like you to ask yourself the following questions; Do you truly feel that I didn't show remorse for what I have done? Do you truly belief that I do not have respect for you or our relationship? Do you think you will be able to forgive and forget what I have done ? If you can honestly answer those questions you will have your answer

Dump her. She cheated on you and will probably do so again. Zero tolerance policy is the only way to go. She obviously had no love or respect for you otherwise she wouldn't have cheated. As she has no respect for you how about you get some for yourself and leave this horrible person.