Nobody is there for me [Edited by MNHQ at OP's request]

[duckles]

I've been through a hell of a time the last few years (lost family members, EA borderline physically abusive relationship and the stillbirth of my first son) and there is nobody I can count on.

I am the kind of person that if you called me crying at 3am I would come running, and yet I've got 'friends' that will literally read and ignore my Facebook messages.

My own sister has been really hurtful in regards to being there over the loss of my son so we are not speaking at the moment.

Everyone around me can come to me to vent but if I ever vent, I get made to feel like silly and a nuisance for it.

I know that I'm not the problem, but they make me feel like I am. I've been made to feel like all I do is complain, but considering all I've been through, am I not allowed to ever vent? Apparently not. They, particularly my sister, vent to me all the time. On a daily basis.

I feel so alone and isolated and my feelings are eating me up inside because I've got nobody to turn to. Nobody cares about my problems but I'm supposed to care about theirs. I don't know what I'm doing wrong for people to care so little about me but it really hurts.

Please help me

The title is my failed name change, can someone please help me report I can't find the button on the app

OP I've reported your post for you

You cannot count on these people at all.
Have you had therapy or counselling for all of this?
SANDS is a great organisation and should be able to offer you specialist counselling for your loss.
And Womens Aid can help you with counselling in your area for dealing with the fallout of being in an abusive relationship.

Please reach out.
You deserve to be heard and these organisations can help you with that.

I'm sorry your family and friends are shit.
Next time they want to vent just say to them exactly what they say to you.
They won't like that but you need to push back.
You have enough to deal with.

Just want to send you a hug. That is alot to deal with. I am in a similar boat with no family members to depend on. NC with some now as I couldn't take on any more of their rubbish. Respond to them how they respond to you. Or just write ok when they vent to you and don't get sucked in to fixing them or their problems

@FizzyGreenWater thank you

I've had a lot of counselling, both general and grief counselling. My old 'normal' counsellor has recently given me a few free sessions to help. I have not long finished the grief counselling and missed the last appointment, I texted the woman to apologise and even she ignored me.

I just don't understand how everyone can not care. If it was one or two dickheads I'd be able to understand a bit, but I don't know why nobody wants to be there for me. Especially when I'm always there for them.

Feels like they all must not even like me in the first place. I wish I could make new friends but I don't really have any opportunities either. I always seem to pick shit friends too, or maybe I'm just a shit person

Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
At a time when you most need support from family and friends they are not there. This is not at all anything to do with you. But their selfishness and being complete shit "friends" and a shit sister too.
At this point I would really block them out of your life. It doesn't sound like they are adding anything positive to it.

Maybe you can write a group email? Tell them you are very hurt. You've had a hard time and needed a little support and no one could look past themselves. Maybe you can add in that you aren't completely giving up on them. If they have a change of heart in the future and are open to a give and take relationship you will be forgiving and willing to give another chance.

Once the shit friends are gone
I would be completely self indulgent. Spend all your extra free time on yourself. Reading, listening to music, long walks, keeping a journal, binge watch tv series....just whatever makes you happy. Maybe joining a bereavement support group might help? Sorry not sure if my advice is helpful or not.

But please know that the way they are treating you is not a reflection on you as a person. You sound kind and thoughtful and considerate of other people's feelings.

I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your son, duckles . It is something no parent should ever have to face, and I am so sorry to hear that you have been let down so badly by your sister and your friends when you needed them most. It is understandable that you feel very alone.

My DD was critically ill as a newborn, and for one hellish week, it looked likely that we were going to lose her. Looking back, I was shocked at how poorly our family and friends supported us at the time (at the time, it was such a blur that nothing really registered). It has been hard to accept, and it definitely changed my view on some of those friendships. Ultimately, I never confronted them - I just internally lowered my expectations of them, and I don't "give" as much to them anymore. Family has been harder - I felt massively let down my DM and my sisters - but I have just had to try and move on from it I guess.

A couple of years after my DD's illness, a friend of mine tragically lost her school-age little boy. She was (is) a wonderful and extremely popular person, but I know she also felt very let down by those who she had considered to be her best friends; they were there for her in the immediate aftermath, but not in the months or years that followed.

Ultimately I think grief, especially after the death of a child, is an incredibly lonely place. Please don't make yourself feel even worse by thinking somehow this is to do with you, or that there is something wrong with you. I'm sure that isn't the case. Definitely reach out to SANDS, or an organisation like Compassionate Friends. I know my friend who lost her son has found it really helpful to connect with people who are very sadly in the same position. Take care of yourself.

My son was unwell for almost the whole of my pregnancy, we found out at 12 weeks but decided to continue and I was induced at 38 weeks last August, but he didn't survive labour in the end. So essentially my hell began before he even passed away. Even then I didn't get the support I needed, I had to be the one that was positive for everyone else.

If I'd let myself express how I really felt during that time they would have all been miserable and that would have made me feel worse. My dad was bad enough already, every time he saw me he just kept repeating how it 'was a shame' and focusing on all the negatives, and that was with me being positive with him. So I've been carrying this weight alone for a long long time and they all expect me to be 'normal' again.

It's only been 9 months since he passed away, and yes I've made a lot of progress in my life. But it's still hard, I still need the support and help that they never gave. My exp had been EA during the pregnancy, and after the loss he ramped it up 10 fold and it became borderline physically abusive until I left at the beginning of this year. So not only was I dealing with potentially losing and then actually losing my son, I was abused throughout the whole time too. And still, I have to cope alone. Everyone is fed up of my tragic life but I'm afraid it's the only one I have.

All I want is for the people I care about to care too. I know I can't make them care, I just wish they did.

Oh Duckles You’ve really been through hell haven’t you?
I think that sometimes, if people haven’t experienced something themselves, they can’t imagine the pain you’re in. And we still have a stiff upper lip culture “least said, soonest mended” and all that.
Wishing you peace and the friends you deserve.

I'm so sorry for what has happened. It must have been so incredibly hard for you.

If I'd let myself express how I really felt during that time they would have all been miserable and that would have made me feel worse

This stood out for me, it sounds as though you're held back from telling people how you really felt. Do they actually actively make you feel bad for making them feel sad, or is that something internal within yourself? Because people SHOULD feel sad. It's about having empathy. I feel sad for you just reading what you've written, and I don't even know you.

If they are purposefully making you feel bad for making them feel sad, then I agree with other posters, distance yourself from them, and stop being there for them. They don't deserve it.

They don't deserve having YOU as a friend, I mean.

thank you @haverhill @overthehedgehammy

They don't do it on purpose, no. I already felt guilty, still feel guilty, that my son had a genetic disorder. I felt guilty I couldn't give them the grandson/nephew they wanted. And because I was being so positive my mum told me that I made it feel like everything was okay and after she said that I couldn't possibly take that away from everyone. I'd have felt even more guilty for failing them all again.

I understand why you would feel guilty, but you must know deep down that it was just shitty, rotten luck that happens to lots of people ( not to trivialise your feelings at all ). If you present an ‘I’m OK’ face to the world, most people will take it literally. Please do contact people like SANDS who will understand how not OK you are. And you won’t have to protect their feelings.

The death of your son just further exposed dysfunctional dynamics that already existed. It’s time you started loving and healing yourself, which means, you need to break the cycle of looking for support where it isn’t available.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics and if you have a hope in people seeing you differently, you have to choose a different to play. There’s no guarantee that they will change but they are less likely to change if you continue to collude in maintaining the status quo.

My heart goes out to you. I also gave birth to a still born baby with complications but my baby was born at 22 weeks. Losing a child is one of the most painful things to go through and you sound like you haven't had any support from anybody. Sometimes I think it's because they don't understand and don't know what to do or say. I'm here if you would like to chat x

I think we all play our part in family dynamics and yours seems to be the go to person for support and empathy. Perhaps you even over empathise with others to the detriment of yourself.
Someone once told me that 90% of people will end up taking advantage of a person who is over empathetic. Even if they don’t mean to, or they don’t realise they’re doing it.

I’m not going to say you’re family are all horrible because I don’t know them. But I fear that you hide a lot of your grief and pain from them, then when it comes out, they don’t know how to handle it, because that’s not how they see you.

I would perhaps sit down and talk with them one by one and explain how you’re feeling about your own grief. And ask them for support. If they cannot give it then you need to realise that is not your fault. It’s not to do with you as a person. Lots of people just don’t know how to cope with the grief of others.

Thanks all and thank you @daydreamer2407 for the offer, I'll definitely keep that in mind.

I'm going to talk to my counsellor when I see him in a couple of weeks and see if he has any practical advise for me.

I've been feeling a little better the last couple of days but it's always up and down. My mum has said she'll arrange a time for just the two of us to get together and have a blether. She's the only one that I can really speak to at the moment, so I'm grateful for the support. It took a while for her to figure out how to 'deal with me' but I'm happy she did. Just wish I had more than my mum, she's kind of obligated to be there!

@eightfacesofthemoon you're completely right about the empathy, I do that all the time. Almost every friendship I've had has been people taking advantage of me. I do too much, I care too much and I just can't help it. I want to be there for people and then they just take and take and don't want to give anything back. The moment I put my foot down suddenly I'm the bad guy. Suffered a fair amount of emotional abuse through this. People can be really cruel.

I do try to tell people how I feel though, they just don't want to listen. They just see it as 'being depressing' or complaining, and I'm afraid that I need to express my feelings on sad subjects sometimes. I can't help that I've had to go through hard times and it's not unreasonable to expect that I can come to friends when I need support.