advice needed on helping neighbour through divorce

[thegardener]

just wondered if anyone has any suggestions on how to help neighbour through divorce.

we get together occasionally with kids but last few times i've called round she hasn't come to the door, although we say hello & have a quick chat occasionally, i feel that she probably doesn't want to be bothered by people and needs some space.

Sometimes when i see her she looks so sad & wish i could say/do something to cheer her up. She has been very thoughtful with gifts since we have lived here, maybe i could buy her a present of some sort?

Hmm.. a toughie. What's the state of play? Has the divorce come through, or has her husband just left her? Had they been going through a rough patch? Was it completely unexpected?

I hated being left alone when my marriage broke up. I craved contact and companionship. Doesn't mean your neighbour is the same though. I would try asking her, maybe in a letter, or at least write the letter first so you can figure out what it is you want to say before speaking to her

In a way its like a bereavement, with the hurt and the "whys", and at added "bonus" of a "how could he?". Then of course there are all the practical things, like dividing up of assets, and access to the children.

Not sure what your budget is, but pampering is always good. Body shop "at home" do free makeovers perhaps you could arrange one of those with a gift voucher for her to spend afterwards. Perhaps offer to look after the kids while she goes. Divorce knocks your self-confidence, and feeling/looking good can help.

Oh and (if she's anything like me) her emotions can be up and down like yo-yos. What's good for her one minute can be the exact opposite of what she needs the next. Try not to be put off by this...

thanks for your message mary, yes the divorce has come through, she has divorced him - not sure of all the ins & outs but apparantly he was controlling & he seemed to always be going off out without her & her dd. i think all the settlements have gone through it was a quick divorce.

The bodyshop idea sounds good i'll look into that but don't really have much money to spend really.

I know she is trying to loose weight too which makes her feel a bit down, she says it is really hard work

Maybe you go offer to go swimming/running with her to help her to loose weight?

Well, the makeover is free, I had one recently, which is why I suggested it. Its still very good though, they did it properly, with cleansing and moisturising, and the like, before making you over. I felt really good afterwards.

If she's trying to lose weight, now isn't really a good time, but if she CAN lose weight whilst under such stress, that's fantastic!

My ex- was very controlling... VERY controlling. I lost all my friends (which I must accept some responsibility for!) and was completely dependent on him for his good will. She needs to find herself again and start doing the things SHE wants to do. What I found to be really good was doing the things I wanted to do, but he disapproved of. Sort of "yah boo sucks to you". She is probably suffering from low self-esteem, hence the feeling she needs to lose weight (actually do you think she needs to lose weight - what size would you say she is?). I joined a social group and made new friends. In fact that was how I met DH (although we knew each other for a few years before we started dating)

Thats great about the makeover being free, i'll call into bs, thanks for that!

She is a bit overweight, size 20. I did ask her if she wanted to go swimming but she didn't seem too keen as she would be leaving her pets when she hasn't seen them all day due to working full time. I would like to start running again myself but don't know whether it would be something she'd be into really, i suppose i could test the waters by mentioning i was going to go for a little jog and make a bit of a joke about it and see what she says?

Again, speaking from experience, when you know you're overweight and when you have no self-esteem, you don't like to be reminded of it... so if you're going to suggest exercise, or tell her you're going to do it yourself, then tread carefully, as it might make her feel more down - no willpower and all that!

Is there any form of exercise you KNOW she enjoys? What pets does she have? If dogs, maybe you can suggest you go with her taking them for a walk?

i know she likes swimming & we have said maybe in the holidays we could take the kids but it hasn't happened yet & really i don't think it will. she does take her dd during the week occasionally but it's past ds's bedtime.

I agree with you Mary, that a walk would probably be a really good idea with her dog, if she'd like some company, i'll ask her.

i really don't want to appear insensitive when mentioning exercise so thanks for pointing that out Mary that it may make her feel worse, so won't mention the running!

Hoping i won't make her feel that i'm bothering her

Well, I don't know her, but it might make her feel wanted and that she's got a friend. On the other hand it might make her feel you're stalking her Judgement call I think... given that she's done things for you, I'd go with the former...

Thanks for the kind advice Mary, promise i'm not a stalker!