Do I give him the benefit of the doubt?

[Justwantaneasylife]

I apologise if this goes on,but need to include everything for your advice. I was married for 18 years and the last 2 years were utterly miserable. I had thought about leaving a number of times but always stayed.
My husband wasn’t bad overall,but the only way I can put it is i never felt like he was on my side. If we were out with friends he would belittle me in a jokey way and if he disagreed with me he could make me feel stupid. There were also times I didn’t trust him but it was only ever a feeling.

Two and a half years ago I did leave and he was broken. He tried to get me back but I felt I’d made the right decision. I moved on even had a relationship and felt happy.

He also eventually moved on and played the field although never met anyone that lasted more than a few weeks.

Fast forward to now,and I’m not as happy as I thought. I’m doing ok, single and fairly happy with that and my husband is single too. We have spent some time together and have discussed the possibility of getting back together.

Here is the problem, we have both changed during our separation and obviously been involved with other people and I’m not sure if it would work. He says he could deal with it but I’m wary. I have no contact at all with the man I was involved with but there were a number of people he met and one he even met while working away ( he is still working there on and off). He assures me he loves me and that he wouldn’t be interested in getting back together if he wanted the single life but my gut is telling me something different.

I do love him,and believe he loves me but I think I caused this whole situation by leaving and now I regret it.

I feel insecure and I hate it. I’m confused as to whether I should try again or not but also think so much time has passed that it wouldn’t work.

It's always said on here - He's an Ex for a reason.
You've put up with years of put downs and digs at your self confidence.
Why do you think that would change?
He won't just change that side of him.
Does he say he will change if you get back together?
Does he realise what he did to you all those years?
Have you discussed that side of it at all?

Don't 'settle' just because you have nothing else right now.
It's so easy to go back to what was 'familiar' but it wasn't good for you and you know it.

I think you need some more time to keep 'finding yourself'

I do seem to think about the years we had together and suspect it could be the familiarity but I’m confused as to why I’m so bothered about a life without him so much.

It seems I’ve gone back so far, when I left I was so positive and happy but recently I feel lost and unsettled and uncomfortable when I think of us making lives with different people.

It sounds like you want stability, not like you want him. That comes with time and good decisions. I wonder if you feel you don't want to wait for it to evolve with Mr right, you'd rather have a crappy version of stability which is available right now with Mr not-quite-right. Don't do it. You won't be happy and you won't be free to pursue happiness.

Someknobend what a good point. I miss the level of comfortness that takes a long time to build up, like lazing around together watching tv and just being comfortable.

I don’t miss the feeling of dread I’d get if he went out etc and I knew that wasn’t healthy. I just can’t seem to let go however hard I try and hate the thought of him with someone new. He has said the same to me. How can I possibly start to learn not to care and move on?

Hmm. I think you have nothing to lose by trying, but everything to gain, as t could work out. You could end up stronger than ever, now that you have both played the field and got it out of your systems, so to speak. If you both still think there is love there, I'd give it a go. However, why were the last 2 years of your relationship miserable, and has that issue been dealt with? Because if not, it won't work.

I have to ask OP, when did you start to feel 'not as happy as you thought'? Was it before or after you started spending time with him again? I just wonder if he's got in your head a bit and made getting back together look like a better option than it actually is for you?

If any part of you thinks that might be the case I would tell him you need time to think and work out how you feel and cut contact for a while so you can get some headspace. It can be really hard to know how you really feel when you have someone imposing their own thoughts and feelings on you so some time away might just give you the clarity you need.

Personally I don't think people change all that much, he clearly didn't respect you when you were together (the belittling you in public etc) and I would be concerned he would revert to that behaviour once you're properly back together. It will also be telling how he reacts to you saying you need time away from him to think, if he really loves and respects you he will be happy for you to do this but I suspect he won't be and that will be a massive red flag for you.

I started to feel I wasn’t as happy about 18m into our separation. I’d had a relationship but we couldn’t make it work and it ended amicably so it’s not to do with that. I was alone and happy to be. I just wonder where that feeling went that I had at the start full of hope and positivity. Now I feel like I’ve woken up and thought I miss my marriage.

It’s so hard to explain,but he always thought he was right about things, I just used to agree in the end to save arguments. A few people have commented on how different I am now, happier and more strong as a person.

I think if I went back I’d have a comfortable life but in a sense a life of doubt.

Ending such a long relationship won't have been done on a whim. I wouldn't want to live with an arrogant man who made me feel small and I felt I had to suppress my views or agree on things that I didn't agree on for fear of being ridiculed.

Can you be yourself with him now?

I guess if you absolutely felt there was a chance, you could give it a go but without linking your lives for a long time. Are there children involved?

I think you'd both revert to old patterns if you got back together, it's incredibly hard not to. And then what? Not easy to have to split up all over again.

It doesn't sound like you're passionately in love with him, more like you miss the security. I don't think that's enough.

I feel like I’m a different person with him to when I’m with others. I just hold back a little bit more. We do have children so my decision isn’t only about us.

My priority is them and how it would affect them. Think this is why the decision feels even harder.

I think the security is a big part of it yes. I’m managing on my own but it’s not easy. The whole situation is on my mind constantly and it’s really getting me down.

It never goes away. It sounds ridiculous as I’m writing this but I know I don’t 100% trust him either so it’s got disaster written all over it.

Maybe you could start "dating" him again rather than jump straight back into a marriage with him and see how you go, definitely if you do decide to give a second chance take it really really slowly

After my 20-year marriage ended I was also very positive when I started dating, then had a relationship of about 1.5 years that I ended. In my case I think the feeling of deflation was from realising that it might take a while to find someone new - which I'd known before but that made it seem more real. It was like it was only at that point that I realised my life as part of a well-established couple had ended.

Let him court you for a few months. His true colours will show through again soon enough if he hasn't changed. Best wishes.

Raven mum what happened after? Did you get over those feelings?

I think marriage counselling would help before you attempted to get back with him.

You need to be honest about the issues you didn't like and how it made you feel. He needs to acknowledge your feeling and give assurances it won't happen again.

I would also not rush into it. Try a relationship before committing and see how you get on.

I very nearly got back with an ex after 2 years of being split up. I almost fell for him again.

He started moving too fast and assuming we were properly back together after one successful date. He started dictating how it was going to be and trying to make all my decisions for me.

It brought back why we split up and I quickly and abruptly ended things. I split up with him for real reasons that hadn't changed. Somehow I'd lost sight of them.

Years later we got back in touch and once again I was charmed by him. Yet again I nearly slipped back into a relationship.

The relationship wasn't going to work as neither of us had changed. When we were first together I had tried to tell him how I was not prepared to let him be in charge of me. I wanted a partner not a parent. I wanted a social life and to be trusted to go out with friends.

Did you get over those feelings?
I went back on online dating just looking for fun instead of looking for a suitable long-term partner, and had fun :) I'm still dating the bf I found that way, it's still fun, and he turned out also to be really lovely, generous (also in bed!) and considerate - we don't want the same things out of life so it is very unlikely to last, but it's made me all the more aware of what was missing in my relationship with my exh. And I wouldn't have gone out with him and discovered how lovely he is if I'd been looking for someone I thought "suitable", so based on that I'm now more open to different types.

So looking for "just fun" has been a good experience. Also, this bf has had several partners, and so have lots of his friends; he moves in less traditional circles than me. Before I was just surrounded by people who'd stuck with the same partner forever. Now I see people who've chopped and changed and I can see the positive side to that, too: that you don't get stuck in a rut, that you don't stay with someone you've grown out of. So yes, I feel better about the situation.

I think the "down" feeling after ending the ersatz relationship is just because you are only now grieving over the end of your marriage. The new relationship keeps your mind puts that grieving on hold. Make sure you're not confusing grieving with pining after your ex.

*keeps your mind busy and