Was I wrong to say something?

[ShimmerAndShite]

Yesterday during dinner my 5 year old asked for a spoon to eat her beans so I got her one. Later on in the meal she was eating her fish with her fork and her dad told her off saying that she asked me to get her a spoon to eat her fish so why wasn't she using it. I said she actually asked me to get her a spoon for her beans, not her fish. He went mad at me for saying anything and said why did it matter? He said he was just trying to get her to eat and what was I doing, implying that I was doing nothing to help and it was all him. It mattered to me because he was telling her that she had said something that she actually hadn't. He's done this before and I think he just doesn't like being corrected but was I wrong to speak up?

I know it sounds really petty but it turned into such a massive deal with him.

If you aren’t going to advocate for your daughter, who is? However, you need to think long and hard the type of unhealthy lessons your DD is learning from her father’s intransigence.

If that had happened the other way round I would have been apologising to her for getting it wrong.

Thanks, it's one of many things that concerns me, especially how I no longer feel like I can correct him because of the way he reacts. That's not how I want my daughters to see a relarionship. Not meaning to drip feed, I just wanted to look at this issue separately from everything else.

She wasn’t eating with her fingers - I don’t see why he said anything to her?

If he really went mad and made a massive thing of it, that’s not on.

Based on this scenario alone, he sounds quite awful.

What a dick! Telling her off for using the correct cutlery?? And then amking it a big deal with you.

It's pretty cranky to say anything about using the spoon when she was actually using the fork (which is the more grown up and 'proper' cutlery) - I'm sorry but he does sound like an angry and obtuse man. Obviously this is just a snapshot of his behaviour, though. You did the right thing in correcting him OP.

And to clarify, you were absolutely right to stick up for her. Don’t let him wear her down.

Thanks everyone. He's really controlling which is probably why he would have been telling her what cutlery to use. He also tells them what part of their dinner to eat next. He was fine in the beginning bit changed when I got pregnant. Now my self esteem is rock bottom through constant comments and criticism and I no longer know what's acceptable from either me or him. Struggling to leave because I'm worried about losing my children, even for weekends. I hardly ever go out now because I don't know which daddy I'll be leaving them with, the great fun one or the grumpy shouty one who will make them cry. The thought of whole weekends away from them makes me stay.

I'm sorry OP, what a horrible situation for you. I totally understand your reluctance to leave due to custody/weekends apart. All I would say is that at some point you are going to have to choose between missing them for part of the week, but them having a care-free and relaxed childhood five days a week or being with them every day while you watch their natural joy and wonder at life crushed out of them. I know from my own childhood that constant criticism can do lasting damage to a person's self esteem. Hopefully you can find a third option. Forgive the ignorance of my next question but have you tried telling your partner how you feel? Is he even aware how much he's changed and how unpredictable his behaviour is at times?

If you stay with him your daughter will also be walking on egg shells.

He was being completely unreasonable. I'm in a similar situation so I don't really feel able to give advice right now. You did the right thing sticking up for your daughter

Shimmer

Controlling behaviour like he shows you and now your DD is abusive and is about power and control. He certainly has you under the cosh and your DD will grow up both fearing and appeasing him also. I was not at all surprised to read that he changed once you became pregnant as well; pregnancy and childbirth are the times that abusive men really do further ramp up the power and control against their chosen target. You were targeted by this individual.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and just what is she learning here?. This is no legacy to leave her at all is it?. You certainly cannot stay simply because of him potentially having some time alone with your DD (he would probably dump your child with his mother). Do you honestly think however, that such a man would actually take any interest in his child long term post separation?. All this type of man cares about is his own self and will likely mess you around re any access arrangements. These would anyway need to be formalised through the courts. Do not enter mediation with him under any circumstances.

Its not point whatsoever in talking to him about how you feel because he is not interested. You need support and a plan to leave him sooner rather than years down the line. Womens Aid can and will help you here re this and your fears on 0808 2000 247.

Do you honestly think that such a man would actually take any interest in his child post separation?. All this type of man cares about is his own self and mess you around re any access arrangements. These would need to be formalised through the courts.

My husband is very similar. You were completely right to say something, I've had to do the same many times. My husband often implies that the kids or I have said something we didn't and he gets really annoyed and angry if I correct him. If I correct him about the children he just puts his hand up when i'm talking and says "thank you NeedSleepNow, I was talking to the children not to you" or accuses me of belittling him in front of them. The other day he even tried to convince me I had said something I didn't, telling me that I was wrong as he is the only one in the family to pay attention to anything so he knows he must be right. It can be exhausting when he's like this especially as his reaction can be so volatile (never physically but verbally and emotionally).

I would like to leave but losing my children scares me too, so much as I'm sure he'd try to get 50/50 care just to make life hard for me. It's the unknown of what would happen that has stopped me ending things so far. I've recently got some legal advise though and am trying to work out a plan of what i would do (housing, work etc.) I think you should consider getting legal advice too as it might help you to make a decision either way.

I did escape a man like this - but it wasn't easy and he spent the next 5 years trying to get back at me, but eventually gave up. Initially he insisted on having his full share of custody - until I realised it was only because he knew it upset me so pretended that it gave me freedom to have a lovely time child-free. It stopped quite soon after that.

The effects on my child still last in the form of extreme anxiety even though now an adult. If you cannot get out of the situation I would recommend you get counselling as this will help you to understand his behaviour and also how you can respond. I would also highly recommend a book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward. It will give you insight into the way you are being controlled and to realise this is very common. It also gives you ways to respond which will help.

I would also add that it is very very important that you back your child up and do everything possible to counteract this undermining which can have long term effects on their mental health.

Good luck

It's pointless staying with him just so he doesn't have them.

Men like this make crap non resident parents and he may barely see them every other weekend if he realises you can't be controlled through DC.

Leave him, don't deceive yourself by staying for the kids sake.

I would not worry about losing your children at weekends. This guy will threaten the world but I will run up Blackpool tower naked if he has his children consistently at weekends for more than an initial period. They never do. It gives their ex (you) far too much freedom that they cant control.

Reminds me a bit of my stbxh, I left him 8 months ago and it was the very thing that's made him a better father to the kids. He always denied anything I pulled him up for, the resentment towards him built up.so much I had to leave as I couldn't stand being near him. I think once he knew he'd lost his wife due.to his behaviour he realised that he would lose his kids too if he didn't change. I'm not saying he is father of the year now.but any stretch of the imagination but he's so much better than he was and the kids do like spending time with him, so far anyway.