Stay or go?

[JulianCope]

I've come here for comments or advice because I can't think of who else to turn to.
I'm male, married 19 years with 2 DS aged 15 and 18. Our marriage hasn't been easy at times but we've stayed together for the children. There aren't many arguments, but no intimacy either. We still holiday as a family, eat together etc.

For all the time we've been together my DW has had occasional rages. Usually they are triggered by something small - utensils moved out of place in the kitchen or an untidy room but they can last for more than an hour. During that time doors are slammed (to the point of plaster coming off the walls) and me and the children have abuse screamed at us ('You stupid fucking shit', 'You're a fucking liar' 'I hate you all'). There is sometimes violence; very rarely against me, but I have had to physically step in a few times to stop her lashing out at the children, and she's put holes in the wall. My guess is that there are mental health issues and I know she has seen a doctor but she refuses to discuss it. In between these episodes we can go for several weeks with just occasional raised voices, and she will take the children out for treats as normal and make sure they are properly fed and clothed.

Last week I came home late from work to find that there had been a row about an untidy room. DS2 was hiding under the bed, sobbing while DW was screaming 'You shit' and putting rubbish in the bin. I persuaded her to leave after DS2 started hyperventilating. Later he explained that he had been asked to tidy the room but didn't. She started shouting at him so he locked himself in but she had started to force the door so he opened it. When she came in she hit him more than once. He said that it had got the point now where if he hears a teacher raise their voice at school it brings flashbacks and he wants to cry again.

I know I should leave for the sake of the children (the oldest will start uni in September) but can't see a way out. The house is in both names although I pay the mortgage and all bills. I know that DS2 would hate to leave here, although after the last episode he threatened to run away. We both work in this area and don't have family locally. MiL is wonderful and a loving grandparent, but she has been on the receiving end of a similar situation herself.

How do I know if separation is what the children want? I don't want to go behind DW's back, but don't want to risk triggering the mother of all rows if I try to discuss it with her. If we do split I have no wish to go public about the reasons, and hope we can still be friends. I couldn't risk her getting custody of DS2 though.

It sometimes feels that we've spent so long treading on eggshells that this is normal; it's only times when she is not there that remind us what it is like not to be in fear.

Personally I’d approach your wife and give her one last opportunity to get counseling or leave. Sounds like your children will want to leave with you. You deserve to be treated with respect and love. I’d be worrying about the kids when you aren’t there to protect them from a verbal if not physical attack

I grew up in your children's shoes. My mother had serious mental health problems but refused to ever do anything about it. It was utterly horrendous and I still resent my father for not getting me out of the abuse (and yes, this is abuse!!!)

Whilst I think you have left this massively too late, given your children are now 15 and 18, and your DS2 seems to be exhibiting behaviours associated with some kind of PTSD, you really need to get then out now.

This is not normal. This is not fair. Your wife's behaviour, regardless of mental health, is abusive and will have a very lasting effect.

I have been through very similar, although thankfully only 1 child, who is now 19 and living on his own.

My own experience is that it only gets worse, and your second son is going to feel even more exposed and anxious when his older brother leaves him on his own to go to university. The violence agains property in the home can be really scary, even for an adult.

Separation/divorce is really not the worst thing that can happen. Your finances will sort themselves out, it's not like this is the first time this has ever happened. If you decide to split, take it one step at a time and don't think too far ahead, or you will convince yourself you can't do it.

Your poor dc. Think about involving social services. Your family needs help.

Please leave. Your son is having flashbacks which indicates this is hugely traumatic.
Get out and support your kids. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Your comments are appreciated more than you can realise. It can be a lonely place, and if we go it is going to be the biggest decision I've had to make in my life.
I spent hours reading through the factual guidance last night but I still don't know how to make it work for everyone. The finances are less of an issue. It's taking the children from their mother that's going to be hard. If anyone has been through this, how did it go? Any tips?
Thanks again.

I think you know what you need to Do. if she is violent again, ring the police. Definitely leave. My mum took 10 years to leave my physically abusive Dad and I resented her for it. She had her own issues and we are NC. You can do this!

Hi Julian I would not leave I would make her go. Why should the dc have the upheaval of moving? Tell her straight you can't trust her behaviour the dc are petrified of her let her have the upheaval it's her problem.As a mum I would have got help a long time ago for this behaviour it's abuse. Why should you have to move? Sorry your dc are going through this but your the adult here you have to save them from her. Kick her out before its too late and only let her have supervised visits until she gets help. Because if the school get to find out about this you could lose them too. If you ask her to leave and she does something violent call 999. Good luck.

I would also try to make her go.
If she won't then you have no choice but to get away.
This is abuse. Pure and simple and the children should not be subjected to it. It's up to you to protect them.

They may not WANT to leave - what child does? No matter what the situation.
But they absolutely NEED to be away from this.
And so do you.

As we say on here, the only amount of abuse acceptable in any relationship, is none!
None at all.
Stop subjecting yourselves to it.
You should have left years ago.
Your DS is already showing early signs of PTSD!
Get him out and get him some counselling - FAST!

Agree with the above poster. She should leave, not you. Please keep a track of all instances of violence or emotional abuse from here in. Even better, every single time it happens, report it to the police.

OP - it’s a job of a parent to keep children of harms way.
So - pull together and be a parent. It’s almost too late.

And - i’d not bother talking to her again, it’s clear that after years of you enabling this behaviour - she won’t think of changing.

So - see a solicitor and start the process.