My parents went through quite a messy separation which went on for years. Unfortunately it was across my teenage years so I was witness to everything and was unfairly placed in positions e.g. had to decide if my father left the family home. Everything that happened just caused my relationship with my father to disintegrate to the point now that I don't have any contact. It was all pretty awful but I am lucky that I have a lot of amazing extended family who I could talk to.
Fast forward and I now am married with an amazing toddler. Husband and I met at work in our 20s and have been married for about 6 years. Most of the time we have a good marriage but overall I am worried about the future. I am not sure if this about our relationship or about the baggage I have from my parents. My husband is a wonderful man, a great husband and father. However he can be really frustrating. He has had a number of medical issues, most recently a heart problem whilst I was pregnant. When I was 7 months pregnant he had a heart procedure which was really successful. It was so stressful getting to the point where he could have the procedure mostly due to him. We were in a position where he could be seen and sorted quicker (on the NHS) but insisted on going down the routine route which could have potentially meant the procedure was booked the month I was due. It took a lot of pleading and arguing with him to finally get him to go down the quicker route which just added lots of stress. I find it difficult to completely forgive him for this.
I am struggling to hold my tongue with him as I find his behaviour really frustrating. This weekend he has slept on the sofa twice and been absolutely shattered when he has woken up. Granted he has been up with my son at 7 but that has been because the monitor is beside the sofa. When he gets up he has been like a zombie for the day. I pleaded with him to go to have a nap with my son this afternoon but he insisted on going out. Then had to go for a 2 hour nap when people got to the house. When he gets tired his speech becomes really slurred. This has only started since his heart problems and I have urged him to go back to his GP. It appears as if he has had too much to drink and is really embarrassing. When he woke up it was as if he had had a few, being really loud and obnoxious. When people left he had a go as there were toys left on the grass (recently regrow from seeding). I hate arguing in front of my son but it was such a stupid thing to be cross about I couldn't not say anything.
His liver function is always deranged on tests but he insists on drinking, usually on the weekend because 'it's my day off'. It's usually beer, no spirits but still his liver is showing signs of stress. He has gotten completely burnt this weekend as he doesn't wear any suncream, saying 'I wasn't in the sun' or 'I only walked around for a bit'.
I just feel like I have another child. It's exhausting. But then maybe I am nagging?? I work in healthcare and see a lot of premature deaths. I don't know if it making me oversensitive. Similarly I don't know if my parents marriage has caused me to over analyse. I just feel like I am living with a boy sometimes.
I just tried to talk to him about my concerns this evening, that I am not completely happy and he lost it, telling me he doesn't want to talk about it now as he is shattered and I am having a go. He still however has not come up to bed. I do believe marriage takes some work, I just feel at times that I find it hard to respect him and maybe even sometimes I am not sure if I still love him.