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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why am I like this?

25 replies

justsoconfused · 28/05/2018 22:15

So in a nutshell...
me and my partner have been together 3 years, we have 5 month old twins, he is amazing with me and them, but for some reason I can't show him any affection... I have no sex drive and just don't want to cuddle or anything! I feel like something is wrong with me! I love him, things are good between us I can't fault him and we still have fun together ect, I just don't understand why I feel so cold! I want to do something but I don't know what to do. He has brought it up after a night out we both had saying he doesn't think I love him anymore, which really hurt as I don't want to make him feel like that, hence me trying to resolve whatever is going on with me. Thank you

OP posts:
springydaff · 28/05/2018 22:17

Has this happened since you had the twins?

JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 28/05/2018 22:18

Do you get any breaks? If you don't get any time for you it can deplete the attention you are capable of giving a partner

Original poster
justsoconfused · 28/05/2018 22:19

Yes since having the twins, it just seems to of gotten worse and worse Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
justsoconfused · 28/05/2018 22:20

We've probably been out for about 3 meals on our own since the twins have been born... which come to think of it isn't much at all

OP posts:
JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 28/05/2018 22:24

You are not alone, this happens to a lot of people. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you have nothing left after looking after the babies, not surprising with 5 month old twins.

springydaff · 28/05/2018 22:25

You had twins - twins! - 5 months ago! What do you expect??

Anyway, go to the GP and have a chat. The chances are tho that you gave birth to twins only 5 months ago and your entire being is focused on them for now.

Flowers
Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 28/05/2018 22:27

Some people struggle to balance both roles especially in the early days- with twins even more so I imagine!!
Are they still in your bedroom? Being surrounded by dc paraphernalia is hardly romantic!!
Have a meal at home, no dc talk!!
Make plans for a day out as a family and be proud of your dc, but try and make a date for just the 2 of you of there is someone who you trust to watch the dc - even a coffee +Cakeout can feel like a treat of you don't want to leave them for long!

Original poster
justsoconfused · 28/05/2018 22:28

I know it's hard work, and we are only 5 months in, I just don't want the relationship to go to pot in the meantime Sad

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Bekabeech · 28/05/2018 22:29

I would talk to your GP in case it is a symptom on PND.
But really your "D"H needs to talk to other Dads and realise this is normal with one child nevermind twins!
It takes years for your body to recover, you must be exhausted.

He needs to be a bit more loving and not make it all about him.

category12 · 28/05/2018 22:29

It's not unusual to lose interest in sex when you have a baby. You spend all your time holding babies, unable to put babies down, feeding babies, being woken up by babies - it's common to feel 'touched out' and for libido to nosedive.

Original poster
justsoconfused · 28/05/2018 22:31

Yeah to be honest I feel like i am struggling to balance all these spinning plates at the minute, the twins, our relationship, the house, loosing weight, it all feels so stressful. Maybe I should try talk to him about it, I just struggle.
Yes they are still in our room but most likely will be going into their own room next month so hopefully that will help. Really appreciate all your replies, it's nice to see if from a different perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
justsoconfused · 28/05/2018 22:34

He hasn't made it all about him, he's great, always tells me I look amazing when he knows I have 0 confidence left, and that I'm doing an amazing job with the twins. He's only brought it up after we'd been drinking and even then apologised the next day, but I knew I was doing it before he brought it up, he's only human, if it was the other way round I would feel the same

OP posts:
category12 · 28/05/2018 22:34

Do talk to him about how you're feeling. You can't hope for him to understand if you're not talking.

HeddaGarbled · 28/05/2018 22:34

Give yourself a break. You've got 5 month old twins. There's nothing wrong with you except exhaustion and the fact that your life has been turned upside down for the foreseeable.

Cricrichan · 28/05/2018 23:16

Bloody hell woman. You've got 5 month old twins! Give yourself a break!! You're firefighting/surviving at the moment. If you have the energy to even talk to your husband you're doing well.

ittakes2 · 28/05/2018 23:22

I have twins. Could it be because the twins are taking everything from you at the moment and you don’t feel like you have anything left to give? Kind of protecting your energy levels? I also found there is a lot of physical contact with twins - always holding one baby or two! It’s kind of like you don’t miss physically cuddles as much as you are always getting physical contact most of the time.

AtrociousCircumstance · 28/05/2018 23:26

Your twins are tiny, you literally have nothing leftover to give at the moment and that is normal.

Tell him you love him and that all you need is a bit of time and as much support as possible.

buckeejit · 28/05/2018 23:32

Agree with pps. I'm just over being touched out & dd is 4. Is a shock after wanting to be close constantly pre children but keep talking & supporting each other & you'll be fine

Blondebakingmumma · 29/05/2018 03:58

Sound like you are all touched out. Totally understandable that you don’t want physical contact with your partner atm. I was exactly the same with 1 child let alone twins

Original poster
justsoconfused · 29/05/2018 16:50

Yeah I think your all right, I'm a ftm if you hadn't guessed, and I didn't think there was such thing as being "all touched out" but yeah it makes perfect sense, I'm always holding a baby so on a night I just like sitting on my own now.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 29/05/2018 18:35

You need to be able to talk to your partner about this. Explain how you feel and that you realise it can be an issue and that you’re taking it seriously.

If you don’t talk to him, so begins the first step of withdrawing emotionally from him too as well as physically.

There are 2 types of couples, those for whom the difficult times is s chance to rely on each other emotionally and so draw closer together, and those for whom the tough times mean there are more they are not talking about and so their relationship suffers.

Original poster
justsoconfused · 29/05/2018 19:04

Yes I understand that, after a poor upbringing I find it hard to talk about my feelings, but I will get around to speaking to him about it all.

OP posts:
category12 · 29/05/2018 20:01

Make it sooner rather than later. It's really normal, really common, but it comes as a shock to new parents. Especially fathers. It's not much discussed.

LongWalkShortPlank · 29/05/2018 20:05

Honey just show him the thread. You've been fair about explaining both sides. He clearly loves you, I think he'll understand and it's a little easier than building up to a huge conversation if you don't think you can manage that right now. Then you can discuss how to fix it instead of getting lost in the details and feelings getting hurt.

Original poster
justsoconfused · 29/05/2018 21:19

Thanks longwalk, I will do, I'll let you know how it goes

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