How to be a better wife...

[Dippiedottie]

I've taken a hard look at myself and realised I have many flaws as a person and as a wife. I would really like to work on these issues to improve my home life. I have two baby twins who are very demanding and still are not sleeping through the night which has led to exhaustion for both myself and DH.

We argue quite a bit more now since DTs were born, most arguments are my fault I would say. I get very easily stressed and this results in me snapping at him constantly. He is very patient with me but I feel like I need to change.

I have reflected on my behaviour and realised that I tend to blame him when things go wrong even if he is not involved at all e.g DT won't sleep, it's because DH is out working all day and I'm on my own. This obviously isn't logical.

I also tend to try to 'manage' him, I trust him totally with the children but still feel the need to tell him step by step things that he knows how to do.

I think I am a very negative person and have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about everything. Any comment anyone makes in passing I seem to think is a dig at me or my parenting etc.

Not quite sure where I'm going with this but want to make changes but not sure how where to even start or if this is just who I am. I have quite a few friends and admire many qualities in a lot of them especially those people who are just always happy and nice, that is what I would like to be...

Are you suffering postnatal depression?

I think it's about relaxing really. Don't sweat the small stuff, enjoy the here and now and smell the roses. With young twins this is probably impossible but you can try! I'm trying too! Life is too stressful else and that's no good to anyone.

Were you like this before the twins? That aside, having one baby is stressful enough for most people, with twins no wonder you're stressed. Are you getting enough adult social interaction? Do you get any time to yourself to relax and unwind?

I am highly strung by nature. I don't get a lot of time to myself but so have good extended family support if I need it.

I don't think I have PND as I am happy most of the time. I've just realised that there's some qualities of myself that I don't really like

I love how reflective you are but hope you're not being too hard on yourself! I don't want to sound like I'm minimising your issues if it's something more but could you just be absolutely knackered from the babies? A lack of sleep would make anyone snappy! And even though it's not right or nice, it's usually the person closest to us that we take it out on.

I would ‘advise’ and do as I say not as I do, but I have read that if you can pause in the moment when you are feeling stressed and take a look at that stress in a dispassionate way, you can start to get a handle on it. Read some Pema Chodron is my best advice. Almost wrote smivle!

It's amazing that you recognise that you can make some positive changes to enjoy your life more. It's a huge step and very empowering to accept that some changes can lead to feel happy and have a much better experience not only as a partner but in general.
I'll say first step would be that now that you have identified what you'll like to change. Take small steps. Every day we have the opportunity to grow as people and I think you are ready for a new amazing you. Much happier and confident. Best of luck and congratulations takes courage to change.

Lack of sleep. No opportunity to pursue own interests. Motherhood (with twins) is overwhelming. Suddenly having to accept a change of lifestyle. The pressure of the responsibility for 2 small humans.

No wonder you are particularly highly strung right now. Motherhood is hellish to be honest. I think it's great how thoughtful you have been about all this but it's also time to be kind to yourself. Go and have some sort of time to yourself away from your children. Even 30 minutes for a walk. Try to relax. Leave your husband to manage himself - manage you instead.

Lower your standards for a while. Accept there is more than one way to get things done. Before an issue sparks an argument with your DH, ask yourself if it is worth having? Is it more important for you to be right than to be peaceful.

One baby has left my emotionally and physically tired. I can’t fathom how tiring twins would be.
Hang in there! Start to observe your negative self talk. Give yourself a break, I’m sure you are doing an amazing job.

I had exactly the same realisation recently (that I had become a very negative person and blamed other people for everything that went wrong). I spoke to my DH very honestly, as we had been arguing a lot, and told him about my thoughts. To be honest, just sharing it with him, and telling him that I didn’t want to be like that anymore, has made a massive difference to both of our lives. He has become more patient with me as he can see that I am trying, and I have altered my mindset slightly.
So what I am trying to say is, I don’t think you need to make any drastic changes, but talk openly with your DH about how you feel, and I think that will set you up for improving your outlook.