I have NC for this, and I don’t really know what I’m looking for whether it’s advice or just to offload. This might be long (sorry).
Been married for almost 29 years. Throughout most of my adult life, I’ve stuffed on and off from depression. I’ve always felt I wasn’t good enough, I’m a burden (even when I was a child). Because of how i have felt whenever someone tells me they are feeling down, I always try to cheer them up, take a lot of time to try and help them because depression is one of the worse things in the world, and I wouldn’t wish it in my worse enemy.
Today, DH and I have found out someone we know has committed suicide. So, we were talking and DH said it’s a shame the person didn’t feel he had someone to talk to. I asked DH if he felt he had anyone to talk to if he ever felt like that, and he said no. I asked if he felt he could speak to me he said “absolutely no fucking chance”. I was a bit hurt by this, but can understand why he wouldn’t speak to me given my history. I then said to him, what type of things to you get depressed about, he replied, different things, I then said like money, he said yes?? I asked if he had ever wanted to kill himself because of money, he said yes.
Now, my DH is very money orientated. I had always thought to myself that money is his first love and to me this has just confirmed it.
My DH is a hard worker, a very hard worker, he was self employed for a couple of years, and during that time, he earned extremely good money, and that was when he was the happiest I’ve ever seen him.
During this time, he had an affair, and I remember he had a change of attitude towards some people, including me and the kids, it was as if we weren’t good enough for him. We stayed together, worked through it.
A couple of years after the affair, I went into a deep deep depression, I didn’t want to be here, but I had also gotten into debt to the tune of £15000. It was my own fault, I would buy myself things to try to make me feel better, bought my kids & DH things because I felt like a failure.
Of course, and quite rightly so, DH was extremely angry when I told him about it, BUT, that wasn’t the first time I got into debt. About 15 years ago, I got into debt of about £7000, when I was in another deep depression because I found out DH had a “thing” for my friend. Nothing happened, he didn’t make a move and if he did, my friend would have told him to get lost.
I cannot make any excuses for me getting into debt. I just remember the feeling of euphoria when I was buying things, clothes that didn’t fit me, food we wouldn’t eat, holidays we couldn’t afford. It made me feel better. Now I feel a failure all over again because my husband can’t talk to me if he is feeling down and also because I feel money trumps everything for him, it take place more than me and the kids
We don’t have debt now, we have a bit of savings, our small mortgage will be paid off the the next 3 years (our house is worth approx £250,000) but I know that’s not enough for my husband. He wants more, he wants to buy property to rent out, he wanted to move to another country but I wouldn’t go and he has said in the past that he feels I’ve held him back. I just feel so sad particularly when the person who has committed suicide is very young.
Sorry I’m rambling and this thread will be all over the place.