Affairs and Disappointment

[Heartbroken99]

My family is falling apart, I am the mother of 3 kids aged 9,14 and 15 and been married for 15 years to my high school sweetheart. I would say we had a normal marriage with normal problems, until i had an affair with a co- worker, i would receive messages from the co-worker and hide it from my hubby and vice versa. My husband got the text messages and this is where all the problems started. I could not give my hubby the answers he had questions on. Like why did i do it and how could I. I felt terrible and felt that i do not deserve to be forgiven for what i have done and for not being able to tell him why, other than i enjoyed the attention. We decided not to separate but to work through the problems, he thought it would be great to also share some indiscretions of his own. It took us some time to get where we are now, and it is not a happy place. After deciding for maybe the 9th time to get a divorce and then deciding not to, we would try to take one day at a time. There were 1 instance where we got abusive towards each other and the other where he got abusive, the kids witnessed the last time and that was when i decided that it is final and i would file for a divorce for once and for all. No i didn't go through with it. My daughter is acting out, and have no respect for her father. It now feels like i need to be the mediator between my daughter and her father. It appears that whenever i do not agree with him that he would use my mistake of having a affair against me, even though he said that he have forgiven me. Please give me some advice on what to do.

Separate for the sake of the kids. Neither of you matter.

You do matter.

But your kids matter.

Time out. Counselling and an action plan.

Space and time will sort out a lot.

You need to be getting practical support on how to stabilise your relationship for the good of your children, you really do. It's too much for two people to know how to do that, especially with so many emotions in the mix, but it really is vitally important. Find the money. Make the time. You need professional input, and perhaps some time apart for that to take effect.

Put the question of what you're going to do about your marriage on the back burner for a bit until things are on a bit more of an even keel.

And then as to your own feelings, it's awful, I really do feel for you. No doubt it's awful for your partner too, but you're the person here reaching out for support, and I for one would be the first to give you an unmumsnetty hug. How you are feeling must be horrendous. It IS possible to both accept responsibility AND forgive yourself, but it takes time. First things first, steady the ship for the sake of your children.