Confused about possibly narcissistic man

[Aminutsorishe]

I’ve recently come out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a man who appears to have many narcissistic traits (Love bombing. Gas lighting. On off. Hot cold. Silent treatment. Critical followed by complimentary. Lying. Cheating. Keeping me separate to his life). I’ve had counselling to help get over the damaged caused to my self esteem and she felt he behaved in a narcissistic way.

However the thing that confuses me is that he wasn’t like that with his friends (who I never met). He’d do anything for his close friends and vice versa. He’s had a lot of broken relationships but I don’t know the reasons why they broke down.

Can someone behave in this way towards a so called partner yet be a normal highly thought of friend to other people?

Well, if you've never met these friends, how do you know that it is as he says between them?

Yes, they absolutely can.

i was with a man who definitely displays a LOT of narcissistic traits - i realise we all have them but they're to a lesser extent and usually controlled or regulated.

im starting to see his judgement of others as being insidious. hes outwardly friendly and pally with people he knows; and one they are out of earshot he only ever has unkind things to say.

Its probably a lot to do with patterns of attachment within the friendship dynamic. I found out that ex exaggerated friendships and his skills to me, to my family, to other people he knows. As far as i know thats pretty narcissistic in and of itself.

How are you coping since the split? Confusion is absolutely part and parcel of the aftermath - if that is any consolation.

Been there. My soon to be ex has spent years telling me that his behaviour is all my fault. He can keep his cool with everyone else, but then comes home and takes it out on me.

The reason he does it with you and no one else is because he knows his friends wouldn't accept it. These men are appalling to us in private because they know that they can be. Simple as that.

Interestingly, with my husband, it turns out he has no friends at all. Funny that. I'm surrounded by supportive, funny, loving friends and family because that's what I've tried to give out to the world. He's going to be pretty much alone and, sad to say, I have little sympathy.

Controllers play mind games. They want us to be confused so that we don't see through it. Stay strong. x

You've got to remember that narcs put on a show and wear a mask to the outside world.
So they may seem the perfect person to the outside world but the mask soon comes off when you are emotionally invested in them.

Thank you for your replies, I honestly thought it was me. I’m struggling at the moment and am desperately trying to make sense of things. He has a group of male friends who he is devoted to and is proud of the fact they’d do anything for each other. He also has a lot of female attached friends who think he’s wonderful, again he buys them gifts, spends time with them, goes for days out with them. He never did any of those things for me which has left me feeling as though I was at fault somehow. He made it clear what amazing friendships he had yet I couldn’t get his attention or time. One of his so called friends is my replacement, he’s been lying about her all along ever since I met him. I was dropped without warning or explanation, he just didn’t turn up and hasn’t answered his phone or replied to messages. He even timed this for a time when he was busy with visitors , presumably so he had distractions while he adjusted to me not being around. It’s diffi accepting that he’s gone and in this way, I never thought he would end things in this way. It’s painful to know that what I viewed as a connection and friendship meant nothing to him.

The other thing is he’s never been obviously abusive. He’s never said anything openly nasty, he always says the right thing. It’s more his actions that contradict what he’s saying. I’d catch him out in lies and he’d say “oh I see i’m wrong again” and then I’d get the cold shoulder until I’d grovelled enough for him to move on. He’d avoid discussions by putting off for another day nor the minute i would calmly say my piece assertively, he’d say it was turning into an argument and refuse to engage. He’d tell me he was no good for me yet would never make an effort to change. He’d tell me that it was a relationship/non relationship yet tell me that with everyone else he was committed within two dates and they were a couple. He’d never call me a girlfriendor imvolve me in his life, I don’t think he even considered me a friend.

I don’t get how he can be wonderfu to friends yet so cold towards me as to just drop me when he chooses to.

OP that could be my ex you are describing. You will never understand (fully) his motivations, you will however, come to accept that it's really not you, it's him.

The quickest way to heal is to stop trying to understand his warped mind - i spent too long having to work around his actions/decisions/prevarication and it has delayed my recovery. However i had 14 years with the prick.

Hold your head high - you have seen through the crap. He's now looking elsewhere for his narcissistic supply x

He may not be as close as you imagine to his friends.
Essentially whilst I know this is confusing and painful, he shouldn't be treating you like this. He's shown no loyalty or compassion or kindness when you deserve it. He doesn't deserve to have you and there are much better men out there.
Some men are just quite emotionally detached and capable of quite passive aggressive behaviours. You wouldn't want to be stuck with someone so immature.
You're a good person and I'm sure if you were looking at this situation as an external observer you would think his behaviour was unjustifiable. You probably wouldn't even be able to be good friends with someone like this. All he had to do was have a simple conversation.

Omg, that is mine too.. I finished my relatiinship on Friday because I found out he'd been cheating with someone he'd previously broken our engagement off for.... and everything you describe is EXACTLY the same!
The lying .. the on and off... dropping you out the blue... love bombing... blaming me..

I'm struggling to accept that I told him I found out he'd been cheating and he just smiled and I've not heard from since. Not tried to fight for me or even sat sorry!

I know exactly how you feel

Huge amount of narcissists around ..

I think these big neurotic patterns can classically only show up in intimate relationships, and with particular people.
My narc DM behaves fine with me but is a nightmare with my sister, to the point of minimising her breast cancer and mastectomy, calling it a superficial operation.
She is delightful with everyone else.

Did you also find he belittled your interests and also just wasn't interested in your thoughts.

Definitely not much interest in asking things about me. If he told me things, I’d ask questions etc but this never happened in reverse. H d listen politely but he didn’t seem interested. He would often subtly put me down by laughing that I didn’t know certain things or hadn’t done things he took for granted, eg, travelling widely.

I think this shows that he is quite selfish and self absorbed. Again, an indication of not being relationship material. I think this difference is massively important. I think you can be friends with people like him but as a partner they will make you quite miserable. They'll sulk and have bad moods. I really wouldn't believe what he said to you about how close he is to his friends. He probably doesn't value them.

I did 20 years with a diagnose (after) narc and was a total head f@@k.
6 years later and am still struggling to put me and DCs back together. So give yourself time.
What I find really awful is the mixed emotions still!! Part of me still is attracted to that amazing dynamic persona... but know it's a mask. Still hurts though and having to deal with him over dcs is so difficult. Thankfully only high days and holidays as he moved away... to 'find himself' as I apparently was that abusive one... convinced many who turned their back or were down right horrible. Until the mask dropped and he had numerous episodes of self harm etc. Still got no apologies from anyone... really hurt when they were all the family we had. But good riddance. Just remember you were never at fault it was always him and unlikely to change. Onward and upwards

I think people like this are 'sieves' that dont truly form emotional attachments to people. They just sieve through what they need and get rid of what they don't need. Cold and emotionless. Critical and judging. Totally lacking in empathy. Calculating and dictatorial. You do not want a lifetime with this man.

You could be describing my ex. Lots of people think he's a great guy. He comes off as a gent and life of the party etc. Charismatic. But there's something deeply off. He's emotionally just not right. All his relationships follow patterns of him cheating and losing interest and blaming women for being 'mental' or 'dramatic'. He can't see he's the common denominator. He can't cope with times that are anything other than fabulous.

The truth is he's an ageing lothario who is enthralled to youth. He has grandiose ideas about himself to the point of being embarrassing. And quite tellingly, he has no contact with the closest friends he's had over the years. He's really cringe. Definite egotistical narcissist.

I was close friends with someone a long time before we crossed over something and their subsequent behaviour showed very similar tendencies you describe in your op. I think it would still come as a surprise to many of their other friends

@gacapa
What you said is EXACTLY how mine was...

^^But there's something deeply off. He's emotionally just not right. All his relationships follow patterns of him cheating and losing interest and blaming women for being 'mental' or 'dramatic'. He can't see he's the common denominator.

Is it common then for someone with these character traits to disappear without warning once they’ve decided you’re no use to them anymore or they’ve moved onto someone new? That’s what baffles me. How he can be full on one day then just vanish into thin air. Was he pretending all along to like me and really just using me? Have I done something to trigger the change? Does he miss me and wonder how I am or is he indifferent to me and couldn’t care less? I hate these questions whirling round.

Incredibly common. He will currently have a new source of supply and therefore you are currently discarded.

You should Google these terms. As all narcs follow the same script.

I'd be careful though as usually narcs come back around to Hoover. Again Google it.

My advice to you would be to block block and block again. And then find out the reasons that you had such low self esteem to put up with it in the first place and heal them so that you never go through it again.

Maybe that's his makeup and he doesn't form attachments and bonds to people. He also doesn't treat people with honesty and integrity. Maybe it's better to think you and he have incompatible values and hence there is no future together. So the reasons he did this is not key it's just that he did it.
I know someone like this and he says he doesn't know how to love. Also, he can compartmentalise to such a degree that he can completely put a person out of his mind totally. But you don't want someone like this for you. You deserve better. Like the previous poster said, read up on narcissistic personality disorder and avoid people like this in the future. Reading up on it will really help you understand that it's nothing you did. From his perspective he's probably ghosted you as a certain set of circumstances has arisen such as feeling he was expected to make a commitment.

He made it clear he wasn’t after commitment with me but I think he’s offered that to someone else making me of no use anymore.

I have been seeing someone for a few months, who everyone thinks is wonderful, he is very charismatic, and friendly to everyone
I found him totally different after knowing him for a while,he is very mean, but has a big ego, is getting on but doesnt look his age
Recently he has stopped ringing or texting and might just turn up out of the blue,as if nothing had changed, with excuses he had no credit etc
Found out recently that he is married, so always had an excuse to leave early,
I am so angry, that i feel like sending him a text asking why he has stopped contact, even after a very intimate meeting he would not contact me for a couple of weeks, this is only the last 3 months
He is now worried that i will contact his wife, i wont, because i feel sorry for her, he was very crafty with making excuses to see me I know that now, he deleted all texts from me after reading them, he wants me to delete all mine from him, which i have not done, but feel like sending him one while he will be at home so he will have to see it while he is with her to let her know hes a cheat
Would you say he is a narcissist? its all about how wonderful he is, and what a good person he is, but hes really messed with my head, one day affectionate and then no contact for a week or two
I have looked up his behaviour and could also fit a sociopath,he has no conscience about seeing me he said,
He said its her own fault that hes strayed,