I think I need to leave

[Katie824]

I'm turning thirty-five and have realized that my husband will never be ready to have children with me. He keeps saying he wants to (only if I get upset), but it's only words. I didn't marry him solely to have children, but it feels like a betrayal at this point and I can't look at him the same way. Especially as this is my second marriage and my first husband wasted my twenties stringing me along as well.

I don't think I can stay in this marriage any longer. I don't plan to rush off and try to find someone else to have kids with, I just want to be on my own at this point. I'm resigned to being childless, and I think in time I could actually find happiness in other parts of life. But I don't want to stay with someone who promised me a different future. I gave a lot up for this marriage, moving countries to be with him. I now feel it was a huge mistake.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, possibly some support? I feel utterly devastated and see everyone else having kids and wonder what's so wrong with me that no one has ever truly wanted that with me.

Are you sure he definitely does. Or want children, I think you need to have a proper sit down and talk to him about how you feel and be truthful and honest with each other

*does not

He never brings up children anymore. There's no interest. When we were dating, he talked about it a lot, said I'd be a good mother, all sorts of things. Since we've gotten married he's not brought it up and if I do, there's always another reason why he's not ready. And sometimes it's things under his control that he shows no interest in changing. For example he said we needed a bigger house, and I agreed. But he made no effort to put his house on the market for a whole year. We have a bigger house now, and he's still not ready.

I've sat down and talked to him about it and it's always "I want to but not yet." I don't think I believe him anymore.

Does he realise that you are serious and this could be the end of your marriage?

I would tell him that it's a deal breaker and he needs to THINK about what he really wants and let you know. Probably give him 4 months or so.

My husband was a bit the same. Thought we had loads of time and just wasn’t ready. I had to give him an ultimatum. Which was just as well as it turned out we needed ivf. We had DS when I was 37. We only have one as he dragged his heels again and then we moved countries so by the time we could do ivf again I was in early menopause and it didn’t work. I’m very grateful to have DS obviously But would have loved another. And I think DH would too.

Yes, absolutely. Or maybe he thinks I won't ever really leave, and then if I do he will be all "I'm so sorry, I wanted to have children with you." More words without ever really backing it up with any sort of action.

I don't bring it up every day because I don't want to nag him into it, but I have always been very firm about this being a dealbreaker for me. It's a bad situation because I feel like he thinks he can keep putting it off because I'm still here and haven't left. So I'm "giving him another chance" as long as I'm here and he is taking advantage of that.

But if I leave, it's not as some sort of ultimatum. It's not to convince him that I'm serious and he needs to win me back. If I leave, that's it. And I don't see a way forward anymore.

My advice is to quickly get your affairs in order and leave. Your trust and faith in him is gone. Having a child with a man who was backed into a corner with an ultimatum is a horrible idea.

Thanks @RandomMess. I haven't given him a deadline like that but have given him months and months and he always says "I want to do this with you," without anything actually changing. The problem is he is saying one thing but actions are saying another. So I'm not sure I could expect anything different if I let him think about things more. What could I realistically expect to see at the end of four months to stay with him?

@CiderwithBuda did you set a deadline for trying to have a kid? How did that work logistically? I haven't been comfortable with the idea of trying for a kid with someone who doesn't really want one. I didn't do that with my first husband and don't know if I could do that now. But I suppose that's why I will never have children.

@Aquamarine1029 I think I'd end up filing and leaving here with very little. I have no recourse to stay in this country if we get divorced and got rid of most of my belongings to move here. I don't have a home or job to go to but I have family that would probably be willing to let me stay with them for a bit. It's looking more and more likely that this is my only way forward.

We x posted.

I think it's more we start trying in 4 months or not at all... don't ask/discuss then after 4 months ask if you're going to start trying and if not then make your decision.

You have a few choices.

1- give him an ultimatum, potentionally have a child with a man who does not want one.

2- Stay with him, have no children, regret and resent.

3- leave, start again and try to find someone new who does want children.

4- leave and start the process of having a child as a single mum, focus on a relationship later.

I would have to leave. You are 35, not 45 and there is more chance of having children by leaving and meeting someone else than there is by staying married to a man who hasn't got the courage to tell you he doesn't want a family.

I appreciate that sounds really easy written down and the reality is very different, but your inner voice is screaming at you for a reason

Katie my sister got pregnant unexpectedly and I was devastated. Complete sucker punch to the gut. She didn’t really want to be pregnant and I was desperate to be. Lots of other friends were pregnant or trying or had just had babies. We were living overseas and DH came home from work to find me a hysterical crying angry mess. I was due to go out that night and DH suggested I stay home and we talk. I said there was nothing to talk about, that he knew how I felt and I pulled myself together and went out. Told him to think long and hard about what he wanted as I was done waiting. By this stage I wasn’t upset but just angry.

We talked that weekend and he agreed to try. We had added complications and a friend had just had ivf in Bangkok and she suggested we see her doctor to get checked out. We did and it turned out DH had low sperm count so given our ages the doctor recommend we go straight for ivf. Which we did. And thankfully it worked first time.

Ah yes Cider, I have a sister with a two year old son she wasn’t trying to have from one drunken night of careless sex. Honestly, I can let all that roll off my shoulders. All the friends with babies. What I can’t get over is feeling like my husband lied to me, and continues to do so.

Hyacinth I know what you’re saying and I’m pretty realistic about it. Having been through one divorce, I know my own strength and I know I can do it again if I have to. Looking at Aus’ list, I have to.

I’ve given up career opportunities for both marriages and it didn’t bother me hugely, because I thought I was investing in a different part of my life. But now I think if I leave, I’d just focus on my career. At 35, I feel it would be a better investment of my time and effort. I’m fairly clever (apart from relationships, it appears), and I think I could do a lot of good in the world. Both for others and myself. I have a niece and nephew to dote on as well.

I have mental health issues and while they’ve been under control, it’s taken a lot of energy and effort to keep them that way. I don’t think I could risk that on another relationship. I picked myself up after the first marriage, and people were surprised at my strength. And I think I can do it again. But I don’t think I want to go down this route again. I’ve never really enjoyed dating a lot and I’m okay being on my own.

Once could be unlucky, but after going through this twice, I seriously feel that there must be something majorly wrong with me.

I just want to say thank you to everyone who has reached out here so far. I might sound cold, but I’ve felt so alone and devastated. A few kind words really do go a long way.

I think I would feel strung along too

There are people who live their lives saying whatever they think you wish to hear, in order to live the easiest (for them) lives possible.

He sounds like one of them.

You are still young, don't waste the time ahead of you. Make your decision and act upon it.

Thanks everyone. Heartbreaking, but good to have reassurance that I’m not being ridiculous.

People making relationship posts often seem to say “We have a great relationship except for ...”

But I could stack up all the good things and none of it matters because he has strung me along on this one big thing that has mattered the most to me. I feel like this one issue has destroyed our marriage.

I think I might give it a month or two more but still start making my own arrangements and finding a place to live. I do feel that this birthday is making me extra panicky so I want to get past that. But I think I know what needs to be done.

Good luck OP with whatever you decide

I didn't expect to be updating this so soon, but here goes.

He basically came to me and opened up for the first time in ages. He apologized and said he was nervous about fatherhood etc etc. Anyway he said that he accepts that this is as "ready" as he will ever feel and he's ready to try having a child together. It's the first time it hasn't felt like it was just words. There was no hedging or vagueness about it.

I'm hopeful, but also really hurt that he put us both through this and got us to this point. So I think that's going to take some work to get past, but I'm willing to try for a little bit. Ultimately I don't want to be with someone I can't rely on and the last thing I need is to be pregnant and divorced, so we will see. I'm cautious but hopeful.

I just wanted to update you all since you were so supportive.

Glad to hear that, but still slightly wondering why being 'pregnant and divorced is the last thing you need' - if having a child is that important to you?

Before your update I was going to suggest getting divorced then using a sperm bank, but I"m guessing this isn't something you'd want. Good luck TTC...

Sorry, I meant that in the context of having a child with him and him changing his mind again.

katie824 I am 41, divorced and have two DCs. I look at my DCs everyday and I am so glad I have them. I never wanted more than two (thank god!) and I have many friends who are childless (some by choice and some were never given the chance including my best friend who started trying in her late 30s only to go through IVF numerous times and failed ). I never thought I would be a single mum of two at 41 but hey ho, that’s life. I am not the sort of mother who gets 100% fulfilment in my children but I feel so lucky to have my DCs. I tell anyone who wants children to go do it with whatever means they want to use. Life can certainly throw some curveballs but I will forever be grateful I have my DCs.

I'm glad he had taken you seriously :) fingers crossed for you x