How off do things need to be before you should end it?

[DunderingMifflin]

Hi all, sorry it's late.

I have been with my boyfriend (BF) for two years now, and am starting to wonder if I want to stay in this relationship. And if it's okay that I'm even considering ending it. I am 22 and he is nearly 25. We met at university and I have since graduated.

On one hand, he is so kind, sweet, handsome, affectionate, gentle, attentive and everyone likes him. He adores me. Our families get on really well. We have lots in common. In the beginning of our relationship I was extremely insecure and he helped me grow out of that and all the toxic behaviour that came with it. He doesn't watch porn because I asked him not too, and to my knowledge he sticks to it. He sees a future together and I used to too and could still- I never thought someone like him would love me so much.

But. He's a bit lazy and flaky. He still sees himself as 17/18/19. He complains about putting weight on but can't seem to stop himself from eating rubbish. He can be naïve and do embarrassing things as a result- wearing something inappropriate or inadvertently offending someone. He has had a difficult time lately and has needed so much emotional support it's exhausting. When I have emotional needs generally it ends up becoming about him (when I told him I was sexually assaulted, I had to soothe him because he was so upset and angry). I'm not as attracted to him as I used to be. I'm torn between the thought of him being the best loveliest man I could ever be with and to break up with him would be committing myself to tinder wankers and being used forever; and then dreading the idea of never being with anyone else until I die.

Whenever I try to talk to someone I trust about this, they seem to say that I need to support him and get through it. I just don't know. I don't know. Oh god what would I even say?!? He would be completely blindsided and I don't have a good reason. I feel terrible for even thinking these things.

Am I being unreasonable?? I just need someone impartial to tell me, everyone who knows him thinks he's brilliant so they tell me to stay with him. Am I just having a wobble? Does that happen? Am I a bad person for finding other people attractive? He loves me so much. How could I break up with him if there's nothing wrong??

You can end it whenever you like. There doesn't need to be a threshold.

First it needs to be said nobody is perfect, that people have flaws and we learn to live with them or allow ourselves to be pissed off but it's not a deal breaker. However you sound like you have fallen out of love and that this relationship has run it's course so it would be kinder to end it. You sound like you're worried about how others will react (as well as your partner of course) and that shouldn't be a reason not to end things if they are not working for you. At 22 you've still got a lot of emotional growth to do, and it sounds like you need to split to do that rather than staying static in yourself but supporting your partner.

And of course he'll see you as the bad guy if you break up. That's pretty normal and not your problem.

Pity is a bad basis for staying in a relationship. Set him free and get out there and learn a bit more about yourself and what you want from life. Hopefully not another emotional leech.

No point flogging a dead horse.

Are you prepared to do all the chores, all the childcare, all the emotional support for the next 50+ years? Who’s going to support you? It sounds like you’ve outgrown him. Don’t worry about keeping your family/friends happy by staying in the relationship, this is YOUR life.

Oh god I feel like I just can't?!?! He would be so blindsided and heartbroken and he loves me so much and he hasnt done anything wrong. And I haven't given any indication that there's a problem because he is going through a really hard time at the moment. I feel like a liar.

This was me, thirty years down the line. Trust me, it's much harder when you're married with kids.
There's never a good time.
There will never be a perfect man.
But if you're not feeling the love anymore. If you're looking at other men and thinking what if, then it's time to move on. Have a think about when would be a good time and if it's not in the next couple of months then do it anyway.

Undercover is so right.
Do the right thing for you.
It's so much harder 20 years and lots of DCs down the line. Believe me.
Now is the time to think about yourself, not everyone else.
I also get the feeling that he makes you feel bad about lots of things, when it's really not your fault.

Thank you for all of your insightful comments. I really appreciate those of you who have shared your experiences. I have one more question really- has anyone felt like I do and then fallen back in love with their partner? Or is it the case that once it's gone it's gone?

I think you are all right. It just feels so unthinkable to end it all. He is still going through a hard time so I won't end things immediately but I think I do need to walk away.

Thank you for helping me

To answer your question, no the feelings have never come back.

Scanning through I can’t see anywhere where you say you love him.

I think whilst a 2 year relationship is a decent length, it’s not long enough to have these feelings and then push to work through. This is more 5/10/20 year stuff.

Honestly, you were a different person when you met him. It would have been fine if you grew together but he hasn’t yet.

When I was your age, I had a lovely man as a BF. Two years together. I said all the things you have said to him- forever together etc. He even proposed, but I said we were too young and to ask me later.

Then one day, I literally woke up and could not bare him touching me. All romantic feeling was gone. I felt terrible. But I could not resurrect the feeling. I felt I was the worst person in the world when I broke it off, and I waited a month or two to see if came back - it didn't - and I actively started to dislike this poor man because I didn't have the guts to accept it was over, and didn't want to be the bad guy for no obvious reason.
When I caught him watching me sleep and thought "urk , what a stalker, and wanted to punch him ". I knew I had to do something before I just screamed "Get away from me!"

But you know what? It was the right thing to do.
And you know what too? It happened again with another guy.

I was so sure I wanted to be with him forever and I told him so. I feel like ending things would make me a bitch and a liar
If you hadn't said you loved him, the naysayers would say that meant you were coldhearted and an ice queen. Naysayers can turn anything negative. Obviously you are not the first person in the world to fall in love and then fall out of love later.

my friends and family will think I've done badly by him in breaking up with him and judge me
Really? They won't just think that you have done what they have probably also done too at some point? Or did they all marry their first boyfriend and then stay with him forever?

he hasnt done anything wrong
But that is great. You are not trying to blame him for your wanting to break up. You still like and respect him, and are going to leave him with his dignity intact. He may not appreciate that just yet, but give him time...

I haven't given any indication that there's a problem because he is going through a really hard time at the moment. I feel like a liar
That's not lying, it's attempting to be kind. And I don't know what is better: creating a miserable period in which everyoe is unhappy or cutting it off quickly. TBH, whatever you do, a breakup is pretty shit. (But that doesn't mean no-one should ever break up!)

What if no one ever loves me like he loves me?
I had my first proper boyfriend at 23, so I can't really understand this idea that your love life may be coming to an end at your age.

My daughter is 21 and still with her first boyfriend. He's lovely, but tbh I regret staying with my first boyfriend (just divorced him), and I'd love my daughter to try out a few alternatives and really learn what she is looking for before she commits to anything. My daughter knows this but I can't persuade her to get another one as apparently this one is great :)

never being with anyone else until I die
With any luck you have a good chance of living another 60 years. I'd place a bet that you could get a new beau within 60 days.

It's tough it really is.
I was you many years ago.
Went along with the engagement, wedding booked, etc.....
I knew I didn't love him though.
I was doing it all for everyone else.
I didn't want to upset people.
But I knew I couldn't go through with it.
And had to end it about 6 months before the wedding.
It was far harder doing that than it would have been if I'd ended it all about 2 years before when I knew the love was gone.
Don't be me!!!
You get one shot at this life.
You are young and so is he.
You can both find what you are looking for.
Don't drag this out though.
It's not fair on him or you.
Good luck.

I was in a similar situation at your age. A year later I was single and having the time of my life. Well, not exactly single but I wasn't committed. He was wonderful, loved me madly......blah blah, but I was too young for marriage and mortgages and I knew it. Broke his heart. He is still around on the outskirts of my life. He's still a wonderful human being but I've never regretted my decision. It wasn't about him, it was about me, and my life is about "me" just as your life is about "you"

You must be true to yourself. Whilst it's important to do the right thing and to consider how your actions impact others, you cannot martyr yourself. There is no reward in heaven for having lived a miserable life, this is it......be happy.

Relationships end, they run their course and people change. If it’s an amicable breakup, and there’s no nastiness etc then you are doing the right thing. BOTH of you deserve to find people you truly love. Of course he will be upset - that’s natural. But he’s 25. He will get over it.

I ended a ten year relationship in my 30s and I was engaged to be married. I just gradually realised this wasn’t going to work long term. He was upset, but he’s now with someone who honestly is a much better match for him than me and I’m married to someone lovely. We remain friends at the kind of ‘occasional pleasantry hows your mum doing’ level.

I had (apart from DH) two really, really lovely boyfriends when I was much younger. Looking back, I now appreciate what good guys they were but they were not for me. Not then and not now.

If it’s helpful, look at it from the other way around. If it’s not feeling ‘right’ for you then you are not the right person for him and are holding him back. You will feel more and more uncomfortable with him and he will notice, always wondering why.

There’s never a good time.

Hey Dundering,

the more I think about it the more I realise I was basically your boyfriend all those years ago at his age. Yes, I was kind and supportive, yes I helped her through her insecurities and saw her blossom with confidence. But I was way too emotionally dependent. I even the put the weight on and was apathetic about it beyond moaning. I hadn't managed to be a full adult the way she had. I'm not sure I would have if we'd stayed together.

My girlfriend left me. I was devastated and yes - blindsided. Her parents barely accepted it. It did take me around a year to heal fully. But it forced me to grow up. The person I was when I came out the other side was a better person than the one in that relationship. Ready to actually be an equal partner in a relationship. I grew so much, in a way that I know I wouldn't have bothered to otherwise.

And as the years went on it became clear to me that if she'd stayed because I was nice, I was kind, I was gentle etc... she would have settling, and neither of us would ever have known the depth of happiness we've reached with the partners we've ended up with.

It may seem so cruel now, but you won't just be splitting up with him for your sake. You're both young, you have time to hurt and heal and have many fantastic years afterwards.

I'm serious - this happened to me 15 years ago and my main feeling when I look back now is of gratitude that she had the strength to go with her heart.

If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right.

Thank you all again- I read and appreciated every post.

I really think you are all right. How do I do it though? I'm the dumpee never the dumper, and I haven't had many relationships at all to have experience of either. And I can't stop thinking about how heartbroken he'll be, I can't imagine doing that to him and not changing my mind and staying with him. Do you have any advice? It's really horrible to think about.

Well it's not an easy thing to do at all.
He will be upset and so will you.

When I had to do it, I just told him that I didn't love him the same way anymore.
That I really wish I did as he's a lovely guy but I just wasn't feeling the attraction.
He felt more like a brother at that point and that it would be silly for us to continue with wedding plans.

Everyone hated me initially.
I just had to explain that I was young and this wasn't right for me and if they truly lovely me then they would see this is for the best for me.
It took about 3 months but everyone got over it in the end.
And actually all said how guilty they felt as they basically ignored me at a time when I probably needed them the most.

I'm not gonna lie - it was horrible.
He took to vodka and was in a really bad place.
But he got out of it and he's got a lovely life now with a lovely wife who he's has been with for many years now.
Lasted a lot longer than my marriage!

Don't let guilt stop you.
It stopped me for 2 years!
It's not good for you at all.

It does make you feel bad, but if you leave it longer you'll just feel guiltier. Just make sure you do it nicely: to his face, showing him that you feel sorry, emphasising that it's not him, it's you, however clichéd that is. Make sure that you can't change your mind easily, e.g. by blocking him on social media/automatically hiding his emails so you don't see them/going on holiday for a week or whatever it takes.

He will feel bad at first, but he will also get over it, and he will probably get something positive out of it, too. Big changes in your llife can feel quite profound and make you reassess your attitude/life in a good way. I speak as a very shittily dumped dumpee :)

You're only 22, move on if you don't know it's right- don't do what I did - I knew my relationship with my boyfriend at 22 wasn't the right one but I couldn't bring myself to finish hoping it would get better and it didn't. He finally met someone else at work when I was 29 and we broke up when I found out - I felt like there were a lot of wasted years in my twenties!! Don't drag it out for your sake, do what is right for you in the long term even if it's hard to do now

Yes be kind and plan what you are going to say. Keep it short and sweet but be adamant. Don’t get involved in a discussion or argument or listen to his promises to change/step up/whatever. Do the broken record technique if he starts crying or begging and pleading.