Controlling ex wife

[Mamamiaherewegoagainmymy]

How do I deal with partners controlling ex wife. We've been together over 2 years - they have a 14 yo son and dp is so scared of ew stopping contact with ds that he just jumps everytime she says . Eg DS had a review meeting at school. Ew didn't tell DP -he only found out two days before when DS mentioned it. ( Ew cheated on DP and moved 30 miles away. Now on her 5th marraige but I digress...) Then EW says can DP pick DS up from.school ( asked 12 hours before ) as she had hospital appointment at 11.30 in the MORNING. So DP makes 60 miles round trip taking three hours as rush hour to pick.DS up and take him less than 2 miles home ( we fell out about that I said EW could've arranged a taxi for DS to get home from school.) Then final nail on the coffin is as she's going away early next Fri for her birthday so can DP take day off work and have him. If not can ( me! ) Have him? For info she's happy to let him.stay in the house all day on his own when she's working so WHY do we need to accommodate? Also the last time I looked after him she complained I was too strict ( as I didn't let him.play on his phone all day)!!!! She sends demanding/ belittling messages to DP but he won't stand up to her and it's driving me insane!

OP - you can’t win this one.
And making it into a battle of wills - making your BF to pick sides - her vs you won’t help.
Good news is that there are only a few more years left of that. He’ll soon be old enough to travel and be on his own more often.

You have to do the accommodating as you are the adults. DP needs to set better boundaries but men are cowards and I suspect this is probably a waste of energy on your part at this stage. Agree with the above that it will get easier in a few years.

He’s 14. He doesn’t need childcare. If you choose to have him on your own then it’s a favour to your DP, not his ex. She doesn’t get a say in what goes on in your home so just ignore that.

At his age, he can liaise with his dad direct and I very much doubt ex would “stop contact”, especially if she’s asking you to have him extra when she has plans.

As for the rest of it, your problem is with your DP as it’s up to him to maintain sensible boundaries. If he’s scared of her (can’t see why he would be but that’s how he feels) he’s not going to stop dancing to her tune and you can’t make him if he doesn’t want to or doesn’t feel able to.

Annoying, frustrating, aggravating - absolutely. But only he can change how he responds to her demands and it’s not going to change until DSS is an adult, so potentially another few years, and even then she’s not going to disappear.

I’d hunker down and accept things as they are if you really want to be with him. If it’s too stressful, there’s no shame is deciding it’s not for you.

Your DP needs his own relationship with the school. My DH gets everything by email or when he picks DSC up from school, letters and reports and goes to every parents evening, assembly etc. Then no reliance on ex to pass information on which would never happen.

At the end of the day there is a young man who you should view as an extension of your partner.

Upset him or your partner about him at your peril.

Cultivate a good relationship with him if you plan to be with your partner for the long haul.

No point stressing about the ex, she is always going to be in your partner's life so might as well find a way of coping with that.

Sounds like another thread on here where the op is actually wishing her partner didn't have a child at all!

It's not going to end well unless you change your mindset.So many posters berate their partners for being spineless when it comes to their DC and dealing with their exes.

Since you can't get rid of either why not take the opposite approach completely and be welcoming, friendly and hospitable to make the lives of your partner and his son easier?

If you can't fathom doing that then perhaps finding someone without a child is your better option.

they have a 14 yo son and dp is so scared of ew stopping contact with ds that he just jumps everytime she says
That's not the reason. He is 14 now, if his mum said he couldn't see his dad any longer when he wanted to, he would arrange it with his dad and his mum would have little to say about it.

Most likely, he isn't half bothered with the way things are with his ex, but he doesn't tell you that because he knows you have an issue with it, so he goes along with the 'yes, she's horrible, but you know I have no choice or she'll stop contact' to appease you a bit.

Oh and it's not his ex wife's responsibility to notify you DP about school events. It's his responsibility to be on whatever mailing list he needs to be on to know.

And just because he can be on his own doesn't mean he should if theres another option. NOthing wrong with her asking, day to day yes I'm here for you is what builds long term relationships.

And I'm scared she'll break contact us often used as an excuse when the man knows he's doing something that makes the new partner uncomfortable and even wants to shift the blame away from him. Especially when the child is old enough to make up their own mind

If you're not happy with it you've got a DP problem. But if he is happy with it he may well view you as making a problem where there is none

He has asked numerous times for the school to notify him then finds afterwards that there's been a meeting. I've told him he needs to make a complaint. The last time DS had review she attended alone as DP didn't know about it and she said some awful things ( DP has ASD and anxiety issues) eg ( DP never gives DS structure and doesn't discipline him - she said that's the reason DS is the way he is) DS has ASD too. I've taken him swimming. Done road safety with him and recently tried travel training with busses for him - I'm trying to help him grow and be confident and safe. It just feels like I can't do right for doing wrong.

Btw I've not posted on here before and I've never said I don't want him - I'm just sick of treading on eggshells and upset that DP always gets upset when she rings him to have a go at him

Yes that's a complaint to school. Although annual reviews are the same time each year, usually about this time so not overly surprising if it's been about this time last year. If I hadnt heard about it I'd be on the phone checking.

I'm always a bit suss when the non resident parent insists they've taught a kid with ASD all sorts of stuff. Ex actually got caught out on this when DS proved he couldn't do it on testing. Please be aware that sometimes what you can achieve with a lot of guidance can't be replicated independently or in a different environment. Some of what you are teaching my actually be counter productive if it puts him in a position of risk should something unexpected occur and he is unable to cope. Exh insisted DS could walk miles, completely ignoring the fact he was in considerable pain and I was picking up the pieces of a physically exhausted child later. It impacted on access to help and that in turn on our ability to life day to day. Be aware that you may not be the one clearly up after effects and that can cause an awful lot of resentment

I'd be careful with ASD or any kind of SN and thinking you know best

him in a position of risk should something unexpected occur and he is unable to cope.

School were actually guilt of this one. They'd taught him to head to ensure toilet unsupervised. Perfectly fine youd think. Well yes in a closed environment where he doesn't poo. Not fine in a busy public location, when the loo was through a couple of public rooms and he was struggling with constipation. A good example of something with they'd done something good but hadn't thought through the intended consequences in other environments. I was hopping mad as it was me dealing with the subsequent upset, in a public place.

If you are getting a lot of angry phonecalls do have a good check whether what you are doing is inadvertently not as good as you think.

My now adult son has ASD I've also trained in SEN and work with SEN children in a school. I don't see how travel training and road safety awareness can be bad....

Have actually met EW few months ago and she said afterwards that she's impressed with how supportive I've been and how much DS has 'come on' since DP met me.
I actually went to her house as per her request as DS was getting himself into something inappropriate. She actually shook my hand and said she couldn't believe how nice I was ( DS in typical teenage fashion was going back home and saying I'd been really strict etc ) as I wanted him.to have quality time with his dad instead of being in his room 24/7 on his xbox

From what DP has told me about when they were together I think she gas lighted him as well as cheated twice on him..

You sound like an ideal girlfriend/step mum to this boy.

Well done and keep it up

I never understand why new partners always look to blame the previous one when issues arise rather than lookkng at how their current partner handles the situation.
He chooses to pick his son up and do all of those things and the old chesnut off "if I dont she wont let me see my kids" is so well used it could be a graphic on the show catchphrase.

Do you actually believe your DP's ex can prevent contact ??
The kid is is 14 not 4.
Your DP needs to do some research here, on parenting skills and his rights as a parent.