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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On the verge of a divorce after 19 years of verbal abuse

14 replies

Tessie56 · 27/05/2018 23:14

So, I'm finally on the verge of divorce. My husband has been verbally abusive throughout our marriage and it's had a deep, lasting effect on my teenage kids. His anger escalated so much a few weeks back that he actually crashed the car because he wasn't concentrating. That opened my eyes (finally) to the fact that I need to get me and the kids out.

I've sought free legal advice through Women's Aid and they've been amazing. I've finally opened up to family and friends, who've all been wonderfully supportive. It's going to be hard, particularly as he's so controlling with money, but I'm determined not to live this life anymore.

So, if you're reading this and feeling stuck, please believe me. Once you start talking to the people around you, his "dirty little secret" begins to lose its control over you. People know how revolting my husband's been to me now and that's increased my power and weakened his.

I'm terrified about finances and about being alone forever, but I'll take those fears over being lonely, put down and abused any day. Hope this has helped someone in a similar position.

OP posts:
Picklepickle123 · 27/05/2018 23:16

Go you! I can only offer digital words of support but I having the courage to identify you need to leave is such a big step! I'm glad to hear that you have family and friends supporting you too :)

Original poster
Tessie56 · 27/05/2018 23:17

Thank you so much! I'll take all the support I can get at the moment and yours is lovely to receive.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 27/05/2018 23:18

Youve only got one life. It's a shame to waste it being miserable. Good luck.

Original poster
Tessie56 · 27/05/2018 23:19

So true. The only thing in my life that brings me misery is him. My kids are my inspiration. I'm doing this for them and me.

OP posts:
user1471530109 · 27/05/2018 23:22

Well done! It will be worth it. I know the first few days, weeks months are hard.

My relationship was 17 years and I got called a fat ugly cunt daily towards the end.

Now divorced and he still tries it every now and again.
My poor girls yesterday mentioned he's started to have a go at them. He called our 8yr old an idiot and a moron. The 5 yr old was crying that she had spilt something down her top and her dad was going to shout at her. She begged me to wash it Sad. I'm keeping a close eye because I won't stand for it!

I'm so much happier. Bit lonely, but so so much happier. No more conflict. Flowers for you. I know this but is tough Wine

Original poster
Tessie56 · 27/05/2018 23:25

Thank you. It's weird and tough but also empowering to finally be in this position. My kids are older now - mid to late teens - but he's been so horrible to them too over the years, so I know how hard that is as a mother to witness. I really feel for your girls. My kids love their dad and I'm going to try to encourage that, but he's going to have to put a lot of work in. They're not going to just take his abuse anymore. TBH, I don't think my 17 year old is going to want much to do with him once he's moved out and I can't say I blame her!

OP posts:
user1471530109 · 27/05/2018 23:48

I'd be v proud of your dad!

My dds love their dad. But it seems that they have realised he's a bit of a twat...

It's been 4 years for me. I've relocated and started a new life with the DC. We are v happy in general. I get down about what could have been sometimes. But in reality I was miserable.

Good luck! You sound very confident in your decision which helps enormously

5LeafClover · 28/05/2018 00:01

Sending you support. Talking to people is such an important step. Women's Sid are fantastic. Hope it resolves quickly for you, but keep going no matter how slow. Also ( and I'm sure you know this) look out for yourself and the kids, just in case things escalate as you try to get him to leave or leave yourselves. Good luck. Imagine that happy future.

5LeafClover · 28/05/2018 00:02

*Women's aid

Sally2791 · 28/05/2018 06:48

Well done for getting out. It is incredibly hard but you will feel such relief to escape the daily negativity. Best of luck in your exciting new future

RoseMartha · 28/05/2018 07:23

Hugs to you. I am in similar situation and in early stages of divorce . It's hell at home because he is still living there but I am trying to take each day as it comes. Well done for taking that step I know it is really hard because I have been there. Still there really just a fraction further on that's all. Stay strong. 🤗

LemmeavaBru · 28/05/2018 10:35

Came on here to give you virtual support Tessie. 19 years is along time to live with this abuse. Don't give away the next 19+ years to this. You and I and all the women who are made to put up with this deserv3 better. Good luck with everything

LemmeavaBru · 28/05/2018 10:36

Sorry for atrociuos spelling. On my phone

Original poster
Tessie56 · 28/05/2018 13:02

Never mind the spelling. The sentiment behind your words means a great deal. Thank you for your support.

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