DIL advice

[Tipee22]

I am a mum of 2 sons and a grandma of 2 granddaughters (from ds2)

Just before ds2 and his wife announces they were pregnant with dgd1 we moved an hour away for our retirement. We felt this would be a great move for us and isn’t so far that it would effect seeing our family.how wrong I was!

Both of my sons rarely visit. This is particularly hurtful from ds2 as I would love to see my granddaughters more frequently. There is always an excuse as to why the can’t come.

We are also never invited over to either of their houses. If we call and ask what they are up to, we get told how they have a super busy weekend and have so much to do. If we do stop by at either of their homes, both DILS act like we have massively overstepped and make it really awkward for us.

We just want to see more of our sons and grandkids. How do I approach this without rocking the boat any further with DILS?

Is it possible for you to move back?

Can you offer to babysit for them on a Saturday night? Be useful to them.

Truthfully this has nothing to do with your DIL and everything to do with your and I think even more importantly your husbands relationship with your sons

How do you actually get on with your grandchildren - do you interact with them when you are there? What does your husband go when he is there? Does he expect his DIL to wait on him?

When you do see them, how do you engage with your grandchildren? Are you warm and playful with them? Or formal and stilted?
My in-laws live abroad and this is how they stay engaged with our DC (4 and nearly 3)...

They FaceTime regularly and just chat to the girls about whatever they want to chat about
They send gifts... nothing big or expensive, just little things they’ve seen that have made them think of the GC’s
They find out what the girls like playing/doing/eating and making sure they have it available when we go over to visit
When we see them, they do things like take the girls swimming, read them books, take them to the park/out for lunch etc.

We only see them 2-3 times a year but the girls would say they’re very close to the IL’s

I think you may be right about projecting onto DDIL. My DH has a cool relationship with his DM. I feel like I could have a fairly close relationship with her but I won't do that to my DH. I think that he would feel terrible if he though she loved me more than himself. He always wanted her affection and prob still does.

I wonder how you are with the gc too. Some gp get down on the floor and focus on the gc others sit with a cup of tea and try to have grown up conversations with their dc, expecting the gc to fade into the background. Some pop the kettle on, some expect to be waited on.
If you're a bit distant from your sons and you don't have a relaxed relationship then any visit is going to feel like hard work.

It sounds to me like you moved without thinking at all about the impact of your relationship with your kids/grandchildren - maybe your sons felt upset by this. My dad did this and the reality is that he lives in a hard place to get to and it’s a hassle. Is your house child-friendly? I avoid my dads like the plague as it’s like an antique shop and too stressful to go to with small kids. On the other hand, my mum has toys/suitable food etc that the kids like and it’s a treat to go.

Yes to working on your relationship with the grandchildren. Send them thoughtful gifts and when you go there sit on the floor with them and play, really get stuck in. Your son and his wife will love seeing their children showered in attention that they don’t have to give. My in-laws are super at this and I love watching them play with my kids.

Gifts don’t have to be big, my mum sends little chicks at Easter or a Christmas jumper at the start of December. It just shows you are thinking about them if you can’t see them. Plus why not WhatsApp and ask for photos and then tell them how gorgeous the children are and what a brilliant job they are doing.

If you’re cold and it’s not much fun for anyone you need to liven up and bring some cheer!

Your relationship sounds like my DH and his mum. Not a particularly close family and he actually finds her very stressful to be around as she's very anxious and keeps repeating herself although he does obviously love her and his dad.

Did you see much of them before they had children? His parents never came to see us before and now want to come all the time. It feels rather horrible to be honest, one time DH's mum said how nice it was to see him/us as she left. DH then turned around after the door shut and said those were the only words she'd said to him the entire visit, you can imagine that being rather hurtful.

They are restricted with spending time with us because they like to constantly tell us how they brought their children up and have directly mocked our our parenting to my face (not DH's). We want our children to be affectionate and secure, they never show affection even to each other.

I imagine you haven't done anything as hurtful as mocking their parenting, but could any of the other behaviours possibly apply? I don't think much can be done to improve DH's relationship with his parents without them changing drastically, but if you're aware things haven't gone to plan maybe you could make a real difference. You do sound like you want to and I really hope it works out and they're receptive to it.

My parents live over an hour from us but during the summer my children loved going to theirs as they had a huge garden. My mum would fill a cheap paddling pool and we would relax while the children played. My mum isn't exactly hands on, but always provided loads of cake and jelly for the kids. My children loved this time and we always made the effort for them

To be fair op, you admit to not having a warm or close relationship with your sons, and then chose to move an hour away.

From their point of view, that would have looked like one more example of you not particularly caring about them.

You now live too far away for popping in on your way past, or a quick visit. Visiting you now takes up the best part of a day.

I agree with the advice you've already been given. A frank discussion, admitting regret for moving and making it clear you'd like to be more involved. Don't make it sound like criticism ('you never visit' etc) but rather like you're the one now willing to do the running about.

And don't expect miracles. You can't go full-on straight away, but just generally show more interest. Give a bit of notice for calling in for an hour or so on a Saturday afternoon, take little thoughtful gifts. Offer to babysit when dil's parents are unavailable.

I think many parents of adult children have far too high an expectation of them. I have three adult children. They and their partners work, they have commitments for children’s activities, their own leisure and other relatives. We are considered a very close family. We enjoy socialising together, have occasionally shared holidays with them and we all help each other when we can. Being close, however, does not mean being in constant contact. Sometimes weeks go by without phone calls or texts. Visits can be anything up to 2 months apart, even though they only live 90 minutes away.

I think it is a bit unfair to say the DiL is the problem or even your sons. They clearly have learnt independence and do not crave Company. I would never drop by unannounced even though I have keys to all their homes. Step back and stop looking for hurt where none is intended and I think you will have a more fulfilling relationship with them.

An hour away is nothing though. My PIL live 45 mins away and we see them all the time. An hour is less than many people drive to work, and home again.
Get involved. Find out what the children really like to do or are into, ask to take them to a movie, the ballet, buy them books and call them up to talk about them after they've read them. Ask them to go out for dinner...etc etc.
It doesn't just happen.

I think your DH is the issue here. Sounds like he is chuffed not to be asked to babysit etc. really sad. Maybe you should do stuff on your own if his reluctant attitude is picked up.

I think it can be hard for people to realise how busy life is for young families these days. Everyone in work seems to chase their tails. My late MIL used to think it was ok just to call in at no or little notice - it's really not.
Try to put yourself in you sons and dils shoes - what can you do to make their lives easier? Ask them. Is it baby sitting, cash help,diy, emergency childcare?

How old are the gd? (Have scan read so might have missed it)
Can you have a look in your local areas for events, activities that might be happening and suggest meeting up?
Both my dad and inlaws have no idea how to interact with my eldest and just put the tv on and feed him chocolate and crisps. He doesn’t enjoy going and neither do I as I have to find things for him to do or tell him not to touch things. Would love them to suggest taking him to a swing park or soft play even and just be a bit more hands on.
It doesn’t need to be every weekend maybe once a month so it’s not a chore

I can relate somewhat, but from the other side.

I want to put it out there that they might be genuinely busy? We are. To be honest our lives are so busy that DH and I often get quite down in the dumps, we try to make radical changes but seem to always be drawn back into cramming so much into weekends. We legitimately have plans every weekend now until the end of July - none of which can be cancelled. Some of DHs family struggle with this and don't believe us but it's completely true.

That being said, we probably have a few 30 minute or 1 hour gaps here and there. So in these gaps my parents may pop over, but they are quite happy to only see us for 20/30 minutes and then go, because they'd rather that than nothing. There's no pressure or expectation. Conversely DHs family expect a meal together or an afternoon at least and so it's harder to find time for this. We have suggested dates in advance but they struggle to commit so far in advance.

Basically I'm saying that what's easiest for us, is people who can be flexible. Are you flexible? It must be hard being further away. I suggest scheduling things in advance, trying to find mutual things to do/places to go together (finances permitting) and trying to slot in short visits where it's easier for them. What about offering to babysit?

You can't blame this on the DIL. It's mad that you are. Yes they are the catalyst that has changed the status quo but that is normal and that's because of their relationship, as it should be. By default sons can often lack effort with their parents (and friends). My DH is useless with this stuff. I am forever having to say to him "don't forget to call x" or "make sure you organise something with x" or "phone x just to say hi". Although I'm sure that everyone blames me and sense it often (through passing comments). However if it was not for me then communication would be far less but DHs family don't have a clue. Perhaps your DILs are too busy with their own connections to have to remind their DHs to function like grown ups!

I think it's great that you've realised things haven't panned out the way you would have liked within your family, and can now identify possible reasons behind this from the past. It's a very positive first step, plus you are being honest with yourself about where you might have gone wrong rather than blaming others. You want things to change and I'm sure they will, you sound like you have the potential to be a lovely caring and more involved Grandma, the only thing I can see stopping you making these changes is the attitude your husband seems to have. If he's not on board with the changes you want to make then I would have a conversation with him about it and if he's still not on board after realising how important this is to you, then make the changes by yourself and reap the rewards that having grandchildren can bring, it's not too late and they are still very young so you have plenty of years to hopefully enjoy having a closer relationship with them

My MIL is a wonderful grandmother. Selfless, thoughtful - she truly loves my children. I may not see eye to eye with her, but I truly appreciate everything she does for my children. My mother, on the other hand, is cold, remote, disinterested. She's never been able to spend time with the children regularly or engage on their level. As a result, my MIL has a central role in my kids lives and my respect. My mum does not.

The way to resolve this OP is to put your grandchildren at the front of your thoughts. Get to know them. Do send thoughtful presents. Do ask for photos, praise them etc. This is the way to you children's heart too.

Don't drop in unannounced. Family life now is very stressful, particularly when both parents are working. Families don't welcome anyone when they just want to chill out / do their own thing or are exhausted from the week.

Lastly, do try to plan activities with your children rather than just going to their house. These stilted, forced meet ups with strained conversation are very trying for everyone. Do something together and make your interactions and experiences with them current. Build what you have in common.

Maybe it’s late to improve the relationship with your sons,
I don’t think it ever is too late- if you want to. Why not try asking one of your sons to meet for coffee or a drink one evening if the family is too busy to see you at the weekend? it could just be for an hour even, get to know who they actually really are and then it might be natural to be more involved with your GC too. It’s never too late (I wish my mum would do this ) and one tip, don’t ever moan about it being ages since you saw them, just show how happy you are to see them when you do- it makes people more likely to make the effort to want to see you.

Would you be willing to do after school care for the GDs one day per week?
It might be worth trying to help out one day and build your relationship from there.

Your other son, I might be doing 2+2=5, but are they having fertility issues? Do they need financial / emotional support?
When is a good time in the week or fortnight to visit them?

One thing I do love is my mum will do Sunday dinner so it becomes not just a chance to see my folks but I also see my sibling and it enables the GC all to see each other.