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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to move on Now he’s left?

22 replies

Hollyhunter18 · 27/05/2018 21:17

I feel really angry, let down, lonely and lots of self loathing. I know he was so difficult but I just feel so bereft. I had a really hard day today with my son who has asd and baby and I just feel like I don’t exist- I feel like fine kind of animal just doing exhausting relentless work wit no point. I’m very depressed.

OP posts:
JeanLouiseAKAScout · 27/05/2018 21:36

Oh holly I know how that feels. Yourbhead takes you down some difficult places. Get the kids settled and have a bath and a brew, and start again tomorrow Thanks

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 27/05/2018 21:36

And keep posting - support is always here

Neverexpected2 · 27/05/2018 21:50

Wish I knew. Year on and still so angry. He's living life of Riley in swanky new house with OW in tow, no responsibilities, playing disney dad (when he can be bothered) and I'm trying to hold everything else together for sake of kids Angry

Xiolablueviolet · 27/05/2018 21:57

It's hard. The best you can do is let the anger drive you to move on and make a new life. I've been there and a year is not enough time to have healed from the betrayal. Be kind to yourself. It will get better.
It may look as though he's having a great time now but cheaters never change. He will do the same to the OW eventually.
The best revenge is living well.

Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 27/05/2018 22:00

Neverexpectedto that’s what I predict. However he was doing Disney dad thing when he was here and being fairly nasty to me at the same time so I suppose no change there. I am in pain with sciatica which I can’t recover from because I am dealing with children. I hired s nanny but they all want to chat and I’m so tired. My son is really difficult and I was clearing up glass before 7 am. Lots of biting and scratching today, my daughter cries because I’m so busy with my son.!i just have to remind myself that with him here it was the same except I worried about saying the wrong thing or in the wrong tone etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 27/05/2018 22:02

He has told his mum and sister so that’s pretty much finalised.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 27/05/2018 22:04

My husband never cheated he was just impossible and could be verbally very nasty.

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Neverexpected2 · 27/05/2018 22:06

I feel for you. Hope you get some relief from the pain soon. I've had tough weekend with the kids but don't have health issues to contend with too

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 28/05/2018 11:08

Do you have any support around you holly

Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 29/05/2018 22:09

He came back to get some things and see childrrnbtoday- it really upset me . He seems so detached from me. It makes me angry too that he equates looking for flats and going into work ( he’s off but going in to catch up) with the relentlessness of parenting my 6 month old and 3.5 year old with no break - he thinks it’s equivalrnt when I tried to explain I’d reall struggled to find time to read something. It seems so mean of him that he’s never understood how I never get a minute to myself. I do wonder if he has started talking to someone else or is interested in someone as he seemed to detach thoroughly fro me recently in a way I haven’t seen before.

OP posts:
unmumsyma · 29/05/2018 22:34

Going through the same thing OP.
Awful isn’t it?

I have been in limbo for weeks just starting to get my head above water- he is with someone else it all came out.

Just prepare yourself for the worst then you can’t get anymore hurt.

It can only get better once you let go, that the best advice I have had on here

Wolfcub · 29/05/2018 22:38

I totally hear you op. I am having a Black day today too but there are also ok days in and amongst and I’m trying hard to focus on practicalities and just tough my way through it. I’m eight weeks in, make sure you take care of yourself as much as you can, cup of tea, vitamins, try your best to have a bedtime. The more exhausted I am (like today) the worse i feel. Good luck to you

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 30/05/2018 06:36

Oh holly I really feel for you. My almost ex is the same. He was just waiting for me to pull the plug. He's started packing even before he has a new place, which is entirely the opposite of what we agreed (to not disorient the kids). He's entirely detached now and I am still very much grieving my old life. Feeling stressed as well trying to make half term all magical and happy, but inside I am emotionally adrift, and so thin.
I too think there is someone else in the wings.

eve34 · 30/05/2018 07:59

Holly. This is your rock bottom. So there is only one way to go. Be kind to yourself. You have had your life turned upside down.

Detach at much as you can. Get tough (I didn't and it cost me dearly). Talk maintenance and contact so at least you know you have a few hours every Saturday for example to have some respite

Gather people around friends and family. Build a network for you. They will want to help. And seek professional help if you think you need too.

You will get through this. I know right now it doesnt feel like it but you will some day further down the line. He is not the person he use to be. You are grieving for someone who is long gone.

Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 30/05/2018 20:32

Thanks eve34. He’s staying in hotels in another city at the moment but has taken a flat he can move up in one month. I have asked him to arrange so he can regularly take my son - at least out for the whole day but I think he wants to be the visiting uncle until he is settled in which I find it hard to argue against. I found it so painful when he was here so when I offered to get our cleaners to pack up
His things and he said he wanted to do it himself so he could have a clear out it annoyed me because it just means more chaos for me and upset. He is visiting again tomorrow. I feel so upset because I feel a man I married and had two children with should not have been so
Mean with his help and empathy during our marriage therefore Making it impossible for me especially after having a son with asd. I wanted him to go but I feel so abandoned and I am frightened of being everything to my children.

OP posts:
Totallyshockerbeyondbelief · 30/05/2018 20:35

I am in same position too kids of same age and diagnosis
He has moved out and OW is in his new place

eve34 · 30/05/2018 21:05

Holly. He is not the person he use to be. I do know how hard all this is. I played the friendly supportive role. Paid his bills. Let him come and go as he pleased and paid to repair his car etc. It cost me not just financially. But in reflection I was clearly being played.

He has to parent. You are not being unreasonable to expect him to take your son for a day out for contact. Contact in the Home is no longer expectable. He can have an hour with the baby then go out.

You have every right to start gathering up his belongings. I found this rather therapeutic as kept adding to his pile of shit in the spare room. I folded and stored it nicely. Just got it all together in one place. Which apparently made me pathetic. But clearly I was gathering strengthen. And he didn't like that. I was taking control back from him.
I know you don't feel you are strong enough for this. Now is the time to dig deep. Be polite and civil. Do not be drawn into discussion.

Seek legal advice. And tell him you will not discuss anything further until you have.

I wish I had done this in the beginning. I was hoping he was just having a crisis and would turn himself around. But he has changed into a nasty man who I wish I had never met.

Stay strong and make sure you eat

Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 30/05/2018 22:07

I do wonder if there is someone he’s interested in as he seems to hav suddenly gone completely cold in a way he was not previously. Only a few weeks ago he was suggesting things would all get better once we moved and now he seems to have just cut me loose ( best thing for me I’m sure but I do feel strange at his sudden amputation of me).

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Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 30/05/2018 22:09

Totallyshockerbetondbelief - you are in the same boat? I really am struggling- baby cried when I put her down and asd son screams impossible demands at me half the day. My husband thinks his days are just as relentless because he’s looking for a home ( off work this week) and going into work to catch up.

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eve34 · 31/05/2018 07:18

He is just trying to make you feel sorry for him. And deflect from this bad thing he has done.
I can not say if there is someone else. I am sure you have read enough threads to know there usually is. But it isn't relevant and I know you might want to find details and make him see sense. But it will never make sense to you. The facts are he has left and will sometime soon set himself up easily in his new life. Whilst you have been left holding the baby. It is a shit thing to do. And you deserve better.

Original poster
Hollyhunter18 · 31/05/2018 13:28

He’s taken his wedding ring off. I noticed when he came to see children and it made me cry unexpectedly. He then told me not to cry in front of the children.

OP posts:
eve34 · 31/05/2018 14:53

No. Because that makes him look bad as he has hurt you so much.
You are allowed to sad and angry. You are allowed to feel what you feel. Don't let him dictate to you. Keep calm and engage as little as you can.

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