I feel betrayed. Am I overreacting?

[chemikazi]

Will keep it brief. Separated from my OH 2 months ago.

18 months ago I discovered dodgy flirty messages on his phone to someone he used to go to school with.

There were lots of things wrong in our relationship this was just one. We limped along till Easter this year.

I told no one about those messages I'm a private person and I was probably in denial and wanted to wait and see what would happen with our relationship.

A couple of weeks ago I confided in my best friend and my SIL.

He accused me recently of badmouthing him. I haven't and I explained it had taken over 12 months for me to tell anyone anything including anything about those messages. It turns out he told both of them about the issue at the time because as we'd fallen out he didn't come to a big party that one of them had organised.

I'm gutted.

I don't know what would have been right for them to do. Tell me at the time he told them? Tell me they already knew when I told them? Or do what they've done and say nothing?

I'm all over the place emotionally at the moment so can't get my head around it

In that situation I don't think they can win really. Either way they risk upsetting you. The fact that you confided in them makes me think you must value your relationships with them. For that reason I think I would choose to overlook this, understanding that it is an awkward situation for them and they may not have known how best to react. No one likes getting in the middle of someone else's relationship problems.

Sorry you have had such a hard time.

I’d say - SIL - her loyalty is with him, as he is family. So i’d not be surprised.
As to the best friend - I’d be upset and ask her why she didn’t tell you he told.
Her loyalty should be with you.
🤷🏻‍♀️

Ya she's my SIL married to my DB. She's been like a sister to me for 18 yrs

Oh - I assumed it was HIS sister...
Then - correction - your family!
Both of them should have told you back in th day and offer you some support.

Thank you @MMmomDD it's difficult to get perspective. I haven't discussed with them yet I've been avoiding them. He may have already let them know I know.

OP - wanted to add.
I think you are deflecting your pain onto this.
Unfortunate as this is - the main thing that you need to figure out and get through is your relationship ending.

If you need the support of your friend and SIL - just tell them.
Tell them you are upset about the past, but it can’t be changed. And at this point - you are where you are.
You aren’t teenager, so holding grudges; and playing games; and not communicating isn’t really a way to go. And doesn’t help.

@MMmomDD I only found out last Sunday so wanted to figure out why I felt why I felt and if it would ease off. I don't know what I would have done in their place but it's made me feel very uneasy.

I know I can't trust my ex which is why it's done. I thought they had my back.

I can't and wouldn't tell anyone who to be friends with but they all seem to have been messaging each other about my relationship.

I'm being careful as I know my anxiety makes me prone to paranoia and intrusive thoughts

Yes - OP - I think you are making it harder on yourself and are assuming he worst.

They may not have known how to react - you said you are a reserved person and don’t share easily.
They might have been afraid to tell you directly for the fear of making it worse.
Etc, many other reasons that are possible.

You need friends and support at this point of your life.
Please don’t push people away - especially these two - as they seem like you are the closest to them.

Also - it’s possible to message each other about a common friend you care about. I have a very close friend in a tough situation. And she has another close friend who works with her.
My friend is fragile. And is stressed and depressed. I love her like a sister and I worry about her.
So - me and her other friend - we sometimes message. And figure out the way to support our common friend. Or - it could be simple things - like me saying - Saw X today - she seems not to be eating. When you see her at work tomorrow - take her to lunch, she needs to eat...
So - people messaging about you - doesn’t need to be sinister.