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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend hiding my existence

14 replies

NiceCuttedUpPear · 27/05/2018 13:58

Hi everyone

I'm driving myself potty here. I'm quite happy to be told I'm overreacting!

I started seeing my boyfriend last August. Things have been going really well, and a few days ago we got back from our first holiday together. I had an absolute ball and I love him so much.

The day after we got back, I was sending pics from his phone to mine on WhatsApp. I came across some messages that I really really did not like the look of. I spoke to him about them the, only for him to say they were nothing to worry about. Crucially, he had deleted these messages, and tried to tell me he didn't know where they had gone.

I'm the end he admitted that I wasn't going crazy and imagining things. He admitted there was a slight overlap at the start? Where he was dating us both for a few weeks.

I don't really have a problem with that tbh. It was very early days!!!

What I do have a problem with is that they've continued to text on and off since then. Actually scrap that, I'm friends with people I've dated. What I actually have a problem with is that she did not know he was no longer single. I managed to retrieve the messages with his permission, and they incuded things like her asking what he was doing on NYE and him saying he had no plans when i put a lot of effort into cooking a lovely meal etc that evening. There were texts saying that they should do something togerher sometimes. Things like that.

Anyway, I was raging at this point, and texted her. She had no idea, and in all honesty she was LOVELY. She confirmed they hadn't met up and no feelings were present between them. This was last Monday. I've been upset on and off but have tried to be sensible about the whole thing.

This morning I was VERY upset and he seems to have lost his temper with me. He thinks I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I just feel humiliated and a bit stupid. Whilst my feelings were so strong I feel like he was hedging his bets with her. Possibly illogical but I can't seem to shake it just yet.

AM I overreacting? I don't trust my own head right now. Sorry this is a rambling post !!

OP posts:
TheGirlWithAPrince · 27/05/2018 14:07

Not over reacting, He seems to have gone out of his way to not mention you and i wonder why...

it might be nothing but him being stupid but i know my partner would find it wierd if i did that just as i would find it weird.

He might have been keeping his options open at the start and then found it more difficult to say he wasnt single incase the questions started but thats no excuse for just acting like you dont exist.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/05/2018 14:10

It was very early in your relationship and nothing happened between them. Maybe he just wasn’t ready to tell her he was with someone new - that’s fair enough.
If there is a bit of an overlap it can be difficult to know how to negotiate these things.
If things are good between you generally I wouldn’t jeopardise the relationship by making an issue out of this.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2018 14:19

Well he was cheating at the start, so if course he had to hide your existence. You have no problem with the cheating...which you prefer to call an overlap, so I don't understand what your problem is tbh.

Storm4star · 27/05/2018 14:24

If you got together last August, so we’re talking coming up to a year. Then yes he should have said by now that he’s met someone! If they’re friends why wouldn’t he tell her that? Sounds to me like he was keeping her going as amusement or back up, neither of which is good. Whether you trust him otherwise is something only you know but I wouldn’t have been comfortable with this either.

Original poster
NiceCuttedUpPear · 27/05/2018 14:30

TheGirl- you're probably right. He dug himself into a hole. I'm so proud of him and my mind is telling me I'm embarassing or some other such shit.

One more - thanks. I've never doubted how he feels until now. It's been GOOD.

Sandy - I don't think it was cheating. My OP didn't make this clear but he had his first date with both of us in the same week, saw her once more 2 weeks later and that's it. We didn't have the 'exclusive ' conversation until about 8 weeks in, and I'd been for a drink with another guy the week before our first date.

Thanks for replies so far!

OP posts:
Original poster
NiceCuttedUpPear · 27/05/2018 14:33

Storm thats my exact issue! I have ZERO problem with him being friends with someone he dated. I am!!

The messages were few and far between, every couple of months, but I hate to think she thought something might happen in the future. It's not her fault at all is it. It's very unfair of him.

She told me herself they are jist friends but by Christ the way I feel about him I want to shout about it from the rooftops. I feel pathetic!!

OP posts:
Storm4star · 27/05/2018 15:04

the way I feel about him I want to shout about it from the rooftops

Exactly, I think that’s why I would also feel upset in your position. You shouldn’t feel pathetic though, you have done nothing wrong and it’s sad that he’s made you feel this way. Have you expressed the above comment to him? I think maybe try to make it clear to him that it isn’t about him messaging her, but that it’s made you question how he feels?

Original poster
NiceCuttedUpPear · 27/05/2018 15:20

I've explained that to him and he just says he feels the same.. I mean, we've met one another's families and are 'Facebook official ' (horrible term) so he's not hiding me in general so why the hell do I feel this beat up about it! I'm doing my own head in!!

We had plans for this evening that he has just cancelled which has annoyed me even further. He works 7 days a week and cannot find an hour or two to have curry with me and my housemate. I'm definitely overreacting to a cancellation of plans. I'm normally quite easy going but I'm driving myself mental today!

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 16:07

Good grief what a little creep he is OP... drop him .. nobody knows about you anyway Flowers

Gemini69 · 27/05/2018 16:08

OOps... scrap that part about nobody knowing about you.... Hmm

I'd still drop him Flowers

starzig · 27/05/2018 16:11

Sounds like you may be a little insecure and he might be a bit of a player. Either way nobody is right or wrong, you are possibly just not suited as a couple.

Ryder63 · 27/05/2018 16:16

I read somewhere yonks ago, that in relationships there is generally 'the lover' and 'the loved'. I would think you're more into him than he is you. The other girl may have been the back up plan.

The sudden cancellation sounds like 'punishment' for your finding out about his hiding of you, and being proactive about it. You've shown him up to the other girl, and she maybe won't be prepared to be plan B now!

soggydigestive · 27/05/2018 16:33

I'd be hurt about the NYE thing - he'd been seeing you 4 months by then and was still keeping his options open. Plus binning you off later. It sounds like maybe you're more into him than he is to you tbh.

SandyY2K · 27/05/2018 17:09

So not so much an overlap as finding out who he preferred. Maybe he's not mentioning you to too many people because he's not quite as sure as you are yet.

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