Feelings of guilt at remaining in the former marital home

[whatdoidohelp1]

Hi

Ex and I are in the process of getting divorced and after 9 horrible months of living under the same roof, ex has now moved himself out. His stuff is still here and the deal is not quite done but should be in the next month.

Financially I think the deal is more or less fair except that I am sure that ex did not disclose everything and he made the divorce very difficult, but emotionally I am finding it hard to cope with the fact that he has had to move out of what was for many years first our home and then the family home.

To put it briefly - I feel like the witch who has kicked her husband out.

There were very good reasons for the divorce to happen but ex reckoned that I was making the whole thing up to get what I wanted. Yes I did want to stay in the home if possible, but only because our relationship had been non existent for years, H often didn’t talk to me for weeks and weeks, I regularly walked on eggshells, he refused to put any property in joint names and had hidden assets in the past etc.. Had we been able to be affectionate and communicate with each other, I would have stayed married. In the end I think we had little to say to each other unless it was about the dc, and I found him distant and secretive.

He has a lovely side but he hasn’t shown that to me for a long time.

Anyway I feel guilty about being in the home - with evidence of all the work he has done to it amongst other things .

Could you sell it and buy somewhere new?

Sell and downsize?
That’s what I plan to do.

Not at the moment because it is very convenient for the dcs’ school and buying and selling costs would be too much.

Eventually I will sell and downsize, but not for a few years.

Maybe I am making too much of all of this?
It does feel like a horrible tragedy however, and as if I have been calculating. The reality is that I have been in a very difficult relationship for years and this was a massive step. I have known for a long time that I could get divorced, but was scared to do it and also hoped (all the time) that things would get better between us.

I am just wondering if other people have the same feelings of guilt and how you deal with it.

whatdoidohelp1 Just sharing my experience to see if it helps... in the initial first days of our breakup I was determined to stay in our marital home. It is a beautiful Victorian house. I persuaded my ex to let me and our DCs stay for two years post-breakup before reviewing as I wanted our DCs to have some stability...

My plan was always to buy my ex out with my parents’ help. But you know what? In reality the house was too big and the maintenance of it was just too much. So I made the decision to sell at the end of the two years and I bought a smaller, cheaper house in the same area so my DCs continue going to the same school. We absolutely love our new house. It’s a 60s SD and ugly on the outside but the living space is fab and my DCs love it! In fact they prefer it over their Dad’s massive Edwardian house he bought with the OW. Funnily enough I will be doing an extension soon but in a way that will suit my DCs growing up.

This feels like home now... and it’s all mine. No bad memories. Visitors always comment how homely and cosy it feels. My advice is you are still very early on post-breakup. Give it time and see how you feel about your house maybe a year down the road... everyone will feel differently about where they live. You need to make the right decision for you. But give it time as time is a great healer. Good luck!

TwoBoysTooMany thank you for your post and your new home sounds lovely.

You are right - it is very early days. I think I will feel better when / if I know that ex is more settled himself. We are not on speaking terms however, so it might be difficult to find out.

Mainly everything feels so sad. And I am sure he now refers to me as the b from hell. It’s hard to be hated.

I think he has someone new though (whom he got together with extremely quickly), so it may be that he is all loved up with her when he is not at work / seeing the kids.

Maybe in a couple of years, moving will seem like the right decision.

This feels like home now... and it’s all mine. No bad memories.

Sounds lovely.

Yes the bad memories. Mainly now I am seeing evidence of things I could have done differently.

Hi OP I can’t advise because im in the same situation really. I’m contemplating tying to buy him out with my parents help, but wonder really if more sensible to get a smaller place i can afford all on my own. I don’t want the children to have the upheaval of moving, by stbxh waltzes in and out, goes through my stuff and says ‘it’s my house I’ll go where I want’. As I am a low earner but do all the childcare he throws it in my face all the time ‘I paid for every brick’ and says I threw him out of his own house (which isn’t true he left as our situation has deteriorated to him being drunk, disorder and abusive). Realistically though he hates that I’m in the house and I wonder if it’s easier to start afresh away from his bitterness once all the finances are sorted. Much as I love my house 😞

I’m 6 months in by the way

MSnotMRS - I hope things get sorted for you soon. Yes away from the bitterness.

In my case I also feel embarrassed that I am in the family home and he isn’t. Even though financially the deal was not unfair towards ex. If I was the one who had had to move out of the family home, I would have found it extremely hard.

The chances are he has swindled you financially.

He didn't speak to you for weeks on end.

He made the divorce extremely difficult until he found someone to shag so moved out . Is he laying on the guilt that you got the house? Don't forget you've got it for the children .

You walked on eggshells for years.

I put it to you: he doesn't have a nice side.

Feel better now about having the house? I do hope so.

See, you're a decent person; he isn't.

I feel your pain. I'm in a very similar position. Have been married to a verbally abusive man for 19 years and I'm just taking the first step towards divorce. As he's a verbally abusive git (which I now finally recognise!), he keeps telling me that I'm not entitled to as much as him because he brought in the money. He was able to do that because I stayed at home with the kids and moved every two years for his job promotion.

I don't feel guilty. I feel sad and a little lonely, but I was lonely with him to be fair. My only fear is how I'll survive financially. It's so hard though isn't it, particularly if someone's knocked your confidence for so long.

Don't feel guilty- stability is good for your dc

You've nothing to feel guilty about. Do a bit of redecorating and make it your own.

whatdoidohelp1 MSnotMRS Firstly do not feel guilty about staying in the house. Whatever ‘deal’ you got (even if you think is fair) you will always be the one ‘paying the price’ for the split because as mums, we almost always end up the primary care of the children and as such it’s harder for us to work, and ever earn as much as the Dads who left. So do NOT feel guilty.

Also a house is just bricks and mortar, the ‘memories’ you attach to it is all in your head. I did not have any bad memories of my marital home as such. In the end, it was practicalities that made me leave. The house was too big for us, it needed a lot of maintenance which I could not do...

I like the fact that my ex-husband now has to be invited to come into my house and I am so damn proud I own this house (my first ever as I bought my first and subsequent housees with the ex). Yes, it all costs a huge amount of money (the divorce, the house sale/buying) but the peace we have now is invaluable. However I would still advise anyone out of a fresh split to wait two years before deciding things like that. A friend of mine who sold the marital home immediately on the split said she wishes now she had stayed for the amount of time I said and would have made better decisions for it... good luck.

Don't feel guilty- stability is good for your dc yes that’s true. I think part of the issue is that ex is seeing so much less of the kids than I am at the moment, as nothing is really set up (he does see them regularly, almost every day, but never overnight at the moment apart from if he takes them to see his family) and they don’t want to go where he is living for the moment, and it is small.

He didn’t move out as soon as he had met his new person - he moved out about 5 months after that - so I had to be aware of his very long and late night phone calls to her, and of the fact that he was getting ready to “go out”, which really hurt a lot.

the peace we have now is invaluable. - yes, that’s what I wanted - peace - and to know what was what money wise and have some control over my own destiny.

Also a house is just bricks and mortar - am going to try to think of it like this.

I hope everything goes okay for you tessie56.

springydaffs - you have posted a few times on various threads of mine (I change names), and you are unfailingly supportive and kind - thank you.

Thanks to all of you for your messages .