I’d really appreciate a safe space In which to discuss a horrible thing...I struggle to like my children.

[Wadingthroughshit]

Hi everyone. I had some amazing advice, which I still look back on, for my terrible ex-relationship, and I hoped I could air this out a bit too.
I understand my feelings are for many reasons and not just a straightforward dislike for my children, it is a feeling reflective of other areas of My life which I need to shift through and not any fault of my childrens. I love my children, I tell them that all the time, I want the best for them, I don’t want them to be anything like me or their dads.
I have two children , 3&7, they have different fathers, I was with my eldests dad for 5/6 years and my youngest for about 3 years.
My eldests dad pushed me up against a wall and put his hand over my mouth while I was carrying our baby. The youngests Dad cheated on me and wasn’t a good partner in the end.
My eldest spends every other weekend with his dad, he asked for more time, I fought to try and get him this, including going through a lawyer to ask for more time between my son and his dad...this failed and the relationship between us is terrible. I have reported some of his behaviour to the police and even nearly six years on from us separating I am still intimidated by him.
My youngest sees his dad every weekend.

I have felt a distance between my eldest and I growing for the past year. The youngest is a handful but is far ‘softer’. I feel my eldest is harsh, he is rude, overwhelming, demanding, quick to anger, shouts and kicks things when he is angry. If he doesn’t get his own way he say ‘I wish I was at my dads’. His dad has called me an idiot to our son, makes fun of me for taking the children to museums a lot, undermines me, telling our son he shouldn’t go to as many clubs as he does. On the flip side my son can be incredibly loving, asking if I’m okay.
Often when I’m around my eldest i feel on edge, trapped and anxious. I try to get past that by filling our day with activities!
I’m studying a masters and try to keep my mind on moving forward. I don’t want to feel this way, and I know impacts my children. I often feel I might taint them, and that they ought to live with their dads so I don’t ruin them. BUT...in a way I still believe they do better with me.
I am being bitter, ungrateful and resentful. I often feel left out...but I don’t need anyone else to tell me, I beat myself up enough!
It gets easier doesn’t it...

Oh lovely. I'm no expert at all but it sounds like you're suffering from PTSD. I think you need to speak to someone professional xxx

I don't have any practical advice but just wanted to say that yes, it does get easier.

It's very brave of you to admit your feelings but I think many people feel the same at times. It's incredibly hard to suffer years of abuse, criticism and sneering comments and come out as a happy, smiling person with high self-esteem. Be kind to yourself.

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at Christmas time last year, although it was diagnosed via the intense home treatment team and not a psychiatric doctor which I still haven’t seen. I’ve always thought PTSD is more accurate, so I don’t accept the diagnosis, the symptoms don’t fit.
I have suffered trauma since I was very young.
I am seriously considering having my eldest live with his dad. This is something he’s threatening me with currently, but as I said, part of me still thinks my son is better with me. However, he hates me, he speaks to me in a horrible way, I’ve just told him I don’t like him. It’s all so self perpetuating...if he goes to live with his dad I think I might feel worse and even more sorry for my son.

Have I misunderstood... did you fight against Dad1 having more time? Or did someone else say he couldn’t?

Hi @weekfour ... my son wanted more time with Dad1. Dad1 hates me, so wouldn’t listen to me, so I went to a lawyer last year. We tried to get both fathers to sign minute of agreement, neither would.

Oh, that’s really sad.

I was going to suggest that your eldest maybe had a trial of living with his Dad... maybe it would take the shine of the idea when he realises it’s not all trips out and clubs at his house. But it doesn’t sound like that would work either.

You sound tired and worn down by it all, like you need a break.

Hi again...I haven’t written my original post well (I was in sitting in the cafe at a noisy softplay!) ... it’s me that does all the clubs and day trips.
I might phone the home treatment team tonight. I hate feeling this way, it’s horrendous.

It IS hard to like your DCs much when they are saying nasty things to you and being a PITA. And it's hard to deal with when you have been through some rotten relationships and are dealing with this all on your own.
No one is perfect.
Keep going, you are being their rock and their safe place.
You are doing so well, with the studying and holding the family together in spite of your own troubles.
Don't worry about being perfect, just be 'good enough', and that is fine.