Ducks in a row-HELP! He saw a solicitor a month ago!!

[Orchardmummy]

This weekend I told my husband it was over but turns out he saw a solicitor a month ago to "find out his rights" wtaf?! So he must have wanted it to end too (separate thing for me to deal with)

Anyway, it's a bloody bank holiday so I've not been able to get through to anyone for my own legal advice.

Got kids and mortgage.

He's told me he wants "primary carer status".

What do I need to do???

He's asked for "breathing space" so I came to my friend's for a few nights but got the feeling I need to be back in the house ASAP. Missing the kids but also sense that legally I need to be present.

Also, is it better to be divorced or do the divorcing?!

I have legal cover thank god.

Any help much appreciated x

Get back home now.

If he has changed the locks but the property is in both your names, I would imagine you are within your rights to have them changed.

Once in, get together and scan/copy all documents (ideally without husband noticing, even if you have to take a picture on your phone for the time being) then, as CurlyWurlyTwirly said take Tuesday off and start sorting this.

Tell schools who will be picking up kids and when- theyre sympathetic to this sort of thing and if they know that there is a domestic conflict situation will go out of their way to make sure no-one unauthorised (or unauthorised by you) collects the children.

Get legal advice as fast as you can.

Keep posting on MN & everyone'll guide you through, you'll get great support through all the ups & downs. Him telling you he wants to be primary carer is part of the script but you need to step up immediately now as others have said. Others are correct about insurance not covering divorce but your costs can be set-aside and taken from your settlement at the end.

Sorry he's stolen a march on you. You need to get home and copy all financial paperwork already. Don't worry if he's being a dick hiding finances - your lawyerr will ask for a years worth of back statements and can ask for up to 10yrs back if needed. I was told absolutely never leave the marital home.

You've given him a few days breathing space, and if he wants any more he'll have to be the one to go and find it somewhere else. Go home now. If you have any problems, come back here. There are several lawyers on mn; (I used to work in family làw myself). You've obviously got to be one step ahead with this man.

Got home now. Got my papers 💪🏼

Please go home and do not leave again.

No matter how hard.

I’m assuming that you are on the mortgage/deeds/rental contract?

He’s absolutely not allowed to change the locks to keep you out.

I wasn’t even allowed to do that with abusive exh.

I wouldn’t worry about what he wants now. He clearly wants everything his way. Think about what you want, cast iron undies on girl.

You can do this.

To divorce you will need grounds -- typically unreasonable behaviour if proceeding quickly, 2 years separation plus consent if going slower.
You may feel slightly more in control of things if you do the divorcing (petitioner vs respondent), but that won't change the key outcomes on money and kids.
Child arrangements may tend to reflect your existing roles.
If a lengthy marriage, then priority will be how the kids are cared for. Money division may be somewhat equal, adjusted for looking after the children.
As others have emphasised, do stay in the house.

First of all don’t worry, nothing can be done over the bank holiday, and even then, not without you agreeing to it, or it going to court.

Secondly, take whatever your dp says to you about what he can, and can’t do legally. My ex would see his solicitor, take what he wanted, from the meeting, and twist it to meet what he wanted to. Only take notice of what your solicitor says.

With regards to primary carer, what is your current set up? Is he a stay at home parent? What do you want to happen with the split and the dc? Being the primary carer usually means that person has the day to day duties with the dc. For instance I’m the PC and my ex has them eow and an occasional holiday, he pays me maintenance and I stayed in the house (I did have to buy him out tho).

Get back in the house, if he wants space, he leaves. As for changing locks etc he can’t do that or make you leave, it’s your house too!

His solicitor may have told him to

1. Not leave the home
2. Establish primary carer status by taking over all the primary care, that is, spend more time with the kids that’s you, do the school run, put them to bed etc.

Keep a diary starting now detailing exactly who does what with the children in the day. If you both work, be sure it is you that takes them to the childminders/school etc.

Before you all keep jumping over OP’s STBex, bear in mind that (I assume) her decision to end things didn’t come out of the blue. She’s not mentioned an OM (or OW) yet, so presumably this is a breakdown of comms or gradual drifting apart situation.

In which case he’d have got the gist of where things were heading and he’s done the sensible thing (not underhand, dastardly, script-following or whatever) in finding out what would happen if they did divorce. In fact it’s so sensible that 99.9% of responses to a woman coming on here saying things are breaking down are along the lines of “see a solicitor, gather evidence before you broach it with him.”

But when he does it, suddenly his motivations are suspect and he’s a complete bastard - intent on locking her out (which he clearly didn’t do as OP doesn’t mention trouble getting back in) - and hiding his financials (again, no indication of that as she states she’s also got those).

I get that OP wanted advice on what her next steps should be, but jumping to the horror stories of how he’s probably only after 50:50 so he doesn’t pay anything, changing locks, forcing her into a B&B etc etc doesn’t really help her find the best path through what is already going to be a really shitty time for them both (not to mention their D.C.).

OP - you’ve said you work full time. Does that mean that he’s a SAHD and/or does the bulk of the school runs, looking after D.C. etc? Why wouldn’t / shouldn’t he be seen as primary carer?

He’s doing what is sensible, and you should do the same. Don’t get drawn into the hysteria of random people on the internet, and don’t escalate something normal like seeking advice to something underhand and immediately pitch yourself against him.

If things such as the care of the kids can be worked out amicably it is better for all. Similarly with finances.

It doesn’t have to be a battle. If you have both decided this is not going to work it’s a matter of following the process to extricate yourselves.

PS legal cover will definitely not cover a divorce

Well done OP. Lock the papers away. In your car or something.
Online banking, joint accounts next.

While you’re both at home. Talk to him about mediation, to sort out split amicably with a 3rd person

So glad you are home. I am not in the UK but here the advice is always never to leave the kids, and try not to leave the family home.

Sorry that it has come to this, I agree with taking Tuesday off and getting on the phone first thing. Does DH not work? I know you are FT.

Hide kids passports.
Is the house in both your names?

I really think threads like this are potentially damaging in these situations.

The advice is seek advice as soon as you can.

That’s all anyone should actually be saying. Hiding passports and opening secret bank accounts is a road to madness. If things are amicable, or reasonably amicable at present now is the time for talking to each other. Yes, seek proper advice, but don’t lose the opportunity to save time money and heartache by speaking to each other honestly.

The relationship is over, but there is a lifetime ahead of you both with each other in it when there are kids.

Go back home.get legal.advice asap

Good post changedname

changedname I agree completely. Why shouldn't he be getting his ducks in a row?

I think that's a fair point. And if it was him asking for help I'd like to think we'd advise him too - but in this instance it's the OP who's asked for advice. There is no reason why he shouldn't ask for RP status - (unless there IS a reason) - but as the OP is the one asking for advice, I feel it's her we should be helping.

(And I agree - no need for the aggressive / confrontational approach. Always vest to be amicable if it's at all possible. I know it isn't always possible)

Yep it's best you try to sort things amicably, but don't leave the house.