Struggling so much to move on

[D456]

Going to try my hardest to keep this brief.

Have been on and off with my ex for around 4 years but the past year we have got really close. When I met him I always felt he was a little odd in some of the things he did but in a strange way I loved his uniqueness. It’s only over the past year it’s become an issue. Ive found out a lot, one is that he has problems with drink and previously has had problems with drugs. Just to put it into perspective we are both 22 so still only young.

My father is an addict so I am very well aware of the lies that come with this and over the past year this has been a huge problem between me and my ex. He would lie constantly about who he was meeting so that I didn’t find out he was drinking (he always admitted to it in the end). The reason we have been so on and off is because I have enough with all the lies and often emotional abuse that comes with his drinking but I always take him back. On one of the occasions he was drunk and we had split up he ended up kissing a girl when he was out. Obviously we both still very much loved each other so I was heartbroken by this.

I later found out that a couple of friends of his who he is VERY close to, he had a theeesome with them before we were together. This has also been a very big problem. I was not happy at all that he hadn’t told me of this considering the girl he done it with is his best friend and also I had become quite close with her. Since I found this out around a month ago I can’t get the image out of my head and to put it frankly I feel like I’m going crazy. I have lost all trust for him what so ever. I understand and can accept that he has a past but to have this girl round his house alone when he has had a past with her (and he will say ‘love you’ at the end of phone calls) I think is disrespectful.

I told him it was over for good a few weeks ago and I haven’t met him since. I have blocked him on all social media, but I have spoke to him on the phone.

I really just don’t know what to do. I know I cannot be with him, I won’t go into detail about everything but there had been a LOT more things he has done to break my trust, and I cannot be with someone I don’t trust. But I just can’t stay away from him. I have this constant image of him and his friend that I cannot get out of my head, along with the thought that I’m never going to meet anyone like him again.

As much as he has his problems and I do not trust him one bit, I have never been happier with someone when things are good. I know he loves me very much. He compliments me very often, shows me that me loves me and my daughter (DD is not his). He has rung me up crying over how much he misses myself and my daughter and he has pretty much taken her on as his own. I feel I can tell him anything and he has an amazing sense of humour. BUT despite this I can’t cope with the other side of him.

I wish I could move on but I am struggling so much. I think about him every day constantly and am finding it hard to bring up my daughter as I can’t switch off from losing him and the thought of him being with other people.

Does anyone more experienced have any advice or tips on how to get over him?

I’ve tried cutting him out all together but I feel like I just can’t do it. I think about him non stop and just want him out of my head!!

If you have any advice I’d really appreciate it and thank you for reading!

Another big issue also is that he would not try to get a job. I have always wanted to be successful, go on nice holidays and I enjoy a good adventure but i feel like it would never be possible with him. I offered to pay for him to go on holiday and he would not even save the money up to buy a passport!!

But there is a huge part of me that can’t help but think that I will cut him off and he will get a job and have all the things we talked about with someone else, the thought is just eating away at me.

You know he's no good, and you have to get out of this dead end relationship before it's too late. Of course he won't get a job and share all the good things with someone else. He needs to get a job first and that's not going to happen! Just cut your losses. Be strong.

He's probably good looking. He's definitely charming - funny, confident, happy most of the time. And he's a bit narcissistic - he doesn't really care about anyone else's problems, mostly his own. He's what some some corners of the Internet call an Alpha Male, a guy who's inexplicably irresistible to many women, despite being a bit of an irresponsible bastard. A big part of why he's so attractive is the emotional roller coaster ride of being with him, the contrast between the highs and the lows.

It will be hard to get over him. But just cut him off. He won't really miss you. Eventually, sooner than you think, you will mostly forget about him. You daughter is still very young and won't miss him for long.

"along with the thought that I’m never going to meet anyone like him again" " he will get a job and have all the things we talked about with someone else"

Your subconscious mind is hooked on him and is trying to throw you off with these irrational thoughts. You have to just stop contacting him until you get over him. Counselling might help, if you can afford it.

Can you occupy your mind with something else? Any hobbies that you fancy taking up? I think knitting or crochet would be good because you have to concentrate on it. And are you getting enough exercise because I find that makes a hell of a difference to how I feel about everything really.

It definitely is the contrast between the highs and lows, and you are right! I’m very rarely attracted to men but with him I couldn’t be more physically attracted.

I do think he misses me and he says similar things to me that he doesn’t think he’ll ever find someone who he loves more and who has such a good sense of humour etc. I think a bit problem is that we both have addictive traits. His addiction is substance abuse, where as I feel addicted to him. He has told me a lot however that he feels the same and can’t let me go.

I don’t really have any hobbies, I can’t do much as I have DD 24/7 and no one to look after her while I go out!

Please from someone who is going through this atm. Let him go i know it's hard i'm really struggling to the point where i tried to end my life ( stupid thing to do i know). Ultimately that has been the wake up i needed to push me to see how bad he is for me. I've almost destroyed my health physically( ten day stay in hospital almost destroyed my liver) as well as mentally for a man who has no feelings for me. Thank fully it all seems to be sorting itself out.Don't let this destroy you. Look after yourself and child.

Be strong and stay away from him, when you meet a truly decent bloke you will be asking yourself why the hell you stuck with this idiot for so long.

Try and break contact for at least 4 weeks, it gets better, I promise.

I was 9 years on and off with a man very similar to this, that’s 9 years I will never get back. I wish I had walked away at 22 instead of 30!

Yes you need to cut this guy off completely, its the only way.
He's not good for you at all. Its going to be hard but absolutely for the best. Cut off his friends aswell, the lot.
Put all of your energy into your own plans and hopes for your future.