what do you do when someone close to you won't get help for depression?

[rainbowfudgee]

I'm so frustrated and worried and feel guilty for feeling angry. This person needs help for depression but won't go to the GP. Was drinking heavily but gave up 6 days ago and is doing well. I'm the only person in their life to give them support and they won't open up to me. I have tried so hard to be patient and caring but got very upset that the same problems are recurring as no action taken. There are no friends I can discuss it with. Drinking runs in the family. I don't know how to help when the person just says 'I'm fine' and pushes me away. I'm not sleeping as am so worried

Stop being the only person in their life. If you’re always there to suppport them and meet their needs they have no reason to seek help. It sounds like co-dependency. The kindest thing you can do is walk away until they take action for themselves. It’s unfair of them to expect you to be their sole support. Don’t bury yourself.

Thanks for replying. I said today, one day I might stop asking how are you... then you'll be in trouble. I was mean and feel terrible. I've offered practical advice and kind words and gestures so many times. I'm worried something awful will happen and it will be my fault.

You can’t do anything.
A depressed person needs to want to get help, otherwise nothing would work.
I know, I’ve been there a few times.

If this is a friend, or a family member - be there as much/little as you want. As a friend, etc. Not as a doctor.

However - if they start becoming a lot worse and suicidal - then, you’ll need to do something. Or you’ll never forgive yourself.

Also - OP - a depressed person won’t hear what you said in a way you mean it - that one day you’ll stop asking them, etc.

To them - and I am drawing from my recollection of how it felt - life seems pointless. And they may feel that it doesn’t matter if they are in it, or not.
So - talking sense to them, in a logical way - is like asking them to snap out if it.

MM - exactly. I remember that feeling.

OP - you can’t fix them. They won’t relate to thw practical advice.
Sorry - it’s a tough place to be.

I have a depressed friend and I just sit ther and listen. Sometimes ask questions, in hope that she’ll realise how bad she is and seek help.
It works at times and she tries to get help.
And then slides back.

Once - I almost took her to her doctor. She seemed so so bad. Hitting at her head, making no sense. I sat with her for an hour until she got better.
And then kept checking on her.

It’s tough

I wish this person would talk about it, I would drop everything to listen and help. They won't talk. That's the issue

My mother has depression and won't talk about it, says she's fine and yet it negatively impacts on everyone around her.

This has been going on for over 60 years.

People around her enable her by cowtowing to her so she has never sought help. She doesn't see she has a problem.

I find her totally selfish and I have chosen to have low contact as I didn't want my DC to suffer the guilt and anguish I felt on a daily basis.

You need to protect yourself and ask yourself why you are concerned about them when they clearly don't care about the impact they are having on you.

I have experience of it so I could really help. Wish it was easier. I don't want to make it all about me but it's really hard seeing it all the time. Medication would really help I think.

My mother has power over others as her mood swings, rudeness, general negativity about others means that everyone around her walks on eggshells; tries their best not to upset her; keeps quiet about how much she has upset them so as not to upset her...and so on.

Why should she change or get help? Life runs normally for her as others have learned to adapt theirs to deal with her.

Because everyone around her does such a good job in cowtowing to her my mother only has to blame others if she's in a terrible mood, they back off/ do as she asks until she feels ok again and the cycle continues.

People like this have no incentive to 'get better' or even to believe they have a problem if those around them are good carers.

One reason why depression is such a bastard of a disease is that the disease itself stops you getting help. It can cause profound lethargy/exhaustion - e. g. Ruby Wax has written and talked about feeling so low that moving her own arm was impossible.

Other symptoms that prevent help-seeking are feelings of worthlessness ("seeing me is a waste of a doctor's time") and hopelessness ("I'm beyond help. There's nothing they could do.").

OP, you say you're worried about them hurting themselves. Have they done so before? Do they have specific plans? Have they given away belongings? If you ever think that they are actively trying to end their life then call the police.

To put into context, fewer than 1% of people with depression kill themselves. It is a terrible and a too-common event, but it is still rare. Clearly you have offered support many times. If this person hurts themselves, it will not be your fault. However it sounds like this is having a bad effect on you, with the not sleeping etc. Go to the GP and talk to them about how you are feeling.

You can make an appt for you to speak to their gp. You tell the gp your concerns, and the gp can then them regarding a “different” matter but ask them questions which give the depressed person a way to ask for help.
The gp cannot talk to you about their patient, but you can talk to the gp.
If the patient still doesn’t speak up tho, there’s not much you can do except say you will always be there for them, even when it seems like you are not. Xx
Good luck

That should say *gp can then RING them