Dealing with resentment in a marriage

[robotcartrainhat]

Things arent going that well in my marriage at the moment and im finding it really worrying. Weve been together nearly 5 years and married nearly 2 years.

Theres been no specific big argument, its more like a coldness where neither of us can find it in ourselves to give a little bit and be a bit kind. I know thats all it would take to end it but deep down im angry and hurt and just not inclined towards being affectionate or trying to keep things happy.

Its because our roles are so different now. Im a SAHM and he works 13 hr days. We used to be really in love and respect each other.
Now to be honest I just resent him because it seems like he thinks he has it really shit and I have it better or something.
I dont think I have it any worse than him but my situation is far from great. Thing is this is just how things have to be for the time being. Money is tight, im 36 weeks pregnant with our second child and our first is not yet in nursery. Theres no escaping this situation. And I resent him so much for being negative about it... as if it wasnt shit enough he has to be grumpy and whinge. I feel like im trying to keep swimming and hes trying to drag me down under the water iyswim!

And what really makes me resent him most is that actually he is the one who would be fine if he walked away. I have nothing. Nothing is in my name. I have no savings. I have 50 quid in my bank. I havent worked since before my son was born. We moved away from the city we were in to be near his work (joint decision) to a rural area and I dont drive. Its away from my friends. I have no family in this country. I have no qualifications. We dont have a joint bank account. We rent.

He drives. All the money goes into his account. Hes 16 years older. He has 2 degrees and is doing a masters. He earns 3 times the amount I was earning when I worked. His family are an hour drive away.

I know he would never leave me in the lurch and hes a good man but it hurts when I hear him complaining about his responsibility to me and how hard it is. I know ive been stupid in not making sure I was more capable of supporting myself but it takes two to tango... I havent been making these decisions alone... I fell pregnant 3 months into the relationship despite having taken the morning after pill.... I feel like he feels im just a leach on him... and maybe I am but what can I actually do about that right now? Absolutely nothing. I can barely get up the stairs, I cant even get my socks on alone half the time. Im really frightened and I feel really alone.
I feel like he blames me for getting pregnant again and in one argument we had right at the start of the pregnancy he said 'its just an excuse to get me to bring you things' (he did apologise later for saying that) But even though it wasnt specifically planned he did have unprotected sex with me (twice), and we had been talking about having a sibling for our son as we were only children and did not enjoy that.... so I dont get how im to blame?

I get really sad thinking about how much we used to love each other. We used to be really close and talk for hours and hours and enjoy each others company. Now hes really distant and doesnt seem to want to engage. I still do love him but I also cant stand him looking at me like im just some burden. And im really pissed off that he has to be like this when Im essentially at my most vulnerable and cannot do anything to change the situation. I mean what is the point of making things worse?

He got paid less than usual this month so things are extra tight and immediately he was telling me we needed to move house, we cant afford to live here...... and thats fucking ridiculous because how on earth are we going to move house? We only moved here 6 months ago. Where would we get the money for a deposit? And im about to give birth for christs sake... I mean its not possible so why make me anxious by saying that?
When I wanted him to look at the food order I was doing to see if he could make any changes to that to save money... he wasnt interested.. I tried to show it to him and he just said 'its not the food its the rent'... but we cant do anything right now about the rent!??! It just feels like he just wants to complain to make me anxious but doesnt actually want to do anything but take out his stress on me.

I know I pin all my happiness on his mood which is a shit thing to do but im basically alone here all 13 hrs of his working day with my toddler... (I have made one friend here with a child the same age, but she works so I only see her once a week if that) so I look forward to him coming home and spending time with me on his days off etc maybe walking as a family etc but hes just always looking off into the distance or being mildly grumpy.

I really dont know what to do and im so anxious. What can I do to make things better?
Hes not really taking any interest in the birth of our child. Maybe im being oversensitive about that im not sure, but thats how it seems. Im terrified because I just feel really alone and I simultaneously need him but am angry.

I know things have the potential to get better in the future when my son starts nursery and when things have settled down... Im just so pissed off that he cant just be a bit positive until then. Why did he have to get all 'woe is me!' at this particular point... I cant give him any sympathy because im using all my own emotional energy trying not to get depressed about my own situation.

Sorry that was a really long rant! I just wanted to talk about it. Does anyone have any advice at all about how to snap us out of this coldness and distance?
The obvious solution is for me to rely less on him but how the hell am I going to do that right now? Thats something for the future so what do I do right now?

Thanks to anyone whos read thru all this!!

Have a virtual hug 😊 sorry can't do anymore

Thanks Lizzy x
Its just depressing and im hormonal. No easy answers I guess.

You're right. Your solution is to have this baby and then gain some independence from him. You could start now by looking into courses. Where does your family live? What would he say if you said you wanted to give birth in your home country?

Italy but they live in a very very remote place where id have even less chance of being able to support myself. Id also be stuck there some time if I went to have the baby there. My parents would allow me to stay and they do have the space, they own two houses near each other... but they would be very confused. My mother has barely worked in her life despite having very high qualifications. Its not something I can really speak to them about, when Ive tried they have just reacted angrily about my husband who they seem to assume should be supporting me. So I seriously doubt id be able to get back on my feet over there.

It is just a matter of waiting. But its a long time to wait with this atmosphere. We wouldnt be able to afford for me to do a course in anything. Just before I fell pregnant again I had applied for a job and gotten an interview.. but then couldnt take it as i discovered I was pregnant and we decided to move. That was in the city though where my lack of driving didnt matter.
Realistically im looking at a year of being in this situation. And even after that its going to be hard as I will have to work around my husbands work which as I said is 13 hr days and not specific days.

I just dont know how to keep the energy levels up for that time.
I feel really low and I know it will get worse when the baby arrives through lack of sleep and pressure.

Do you have to ask him for money?

he sends me 200 a month usually, unless hes earnt an unusual amount or paid for something big that month.
If ive run out of that and ask he will usually give me money but take it out of what he sends the next month.
That is to pay for stuff me and my son do and/or need.
When we are all together he often pays for the stuff we do unless it was my idea.
He pays for everything else like the bills and rent and big food shop.
I do sometimes top up the food thru the month and sometimes he will too.

So thats okay but obviously ive no way to save any money really.
I dont think he has any savings either however.

Honestly honeybunch i would go home. Take one of your parents houses, let your mum look after you, have the baby and then reassess. Is that truly not an option?

but id just be in the same boat wouldnt I? Actually a slightly worse boat as id be even more isolated. I grew up in the UK altho my family is Italian .. its not really my first language and they live in a very rural place. You have to drive to get to anything like shops or cafes.. theres just four houses and a farm where they live.
My son is due to start nursery here in september... I dont know what id do over there about that?
It wouldnt be a short holiday because id have to get my babies passport sorted out in order to come back... plus id be travelling with two kids alone... I may be there some time in order to be able to do that.
And I dont want my husband to miss out on his daughters first months. Thats really harsh to him. It would take some burden off him I suppose but it wouldnt solve the problem because im pretty sure hed not be happy about having his children away from him for that long... even if it did save him money and give him a bit of space.

My parents are going to come to the UK at some point to help for a couple of weeks when the baby is born. They are going to rent a house... so im hoping that will give him a bit of let up as they are renting somewhere with room for me and the kids to stay as well... but its still nearby.

But he's being an absolute twat to you and taking no interest in either you or the kids. So why should you consider what feels harsh or not to him?

Im just saying doing all this will be hard but it sounds a lot more pleasant to be managing alone on rural italy with your parents nearby, than managing alone with a dick husband who makes you feel anxious.

Its just this shit atmosphere in the interim. What can I say to him to make him snap out of it? Im sorry its like this and im sorry im draining his resources but what else can I say or do? And now my sympathy is shot so im just hurt and angry about his grumpyness. I feel like he hates me although he isnt specifically nasty to me.
And this is my life right now.... and he thinks its shit... so it is shit.... and I resent that.
We both know he basically owns my life right now. And im sure he resents me for that... but its not just my fault is it, and theres not much I can do for the time being. I just really wish hed try and look at things in a better light for now. We could both be much happier. If he wants to hate me can he not do it when im this vulnerable! I dont feel great about myself either but you just have to get on with it dont you.

voguevvague hes not an absolute twat. Obviously my post is from my point of view. Im sure he has his own story. Hes just being a bit cold and distant. Hes very affectionate to our son and takes him out, plays with him etc hes not a bad father by any means. Its me he is cold to.
And he doesnt seem that excited by the new baby... but she hasnt been born yet and so that doesnt really indicate he wont love her when she is born.

And the thing about Italy is that I have to think longer term. It sounds nice as a statement 'managing alone in rural Italy' but in actual fact it would be a nightmare long term both for me and the children.

I doubt hes trying to make me anxious on purpose... I just wish hed snap out of it and take a step back and make the best of the situation. I dont know what to do to get him to do that!
We have a nice life in many ways... some aspects are very hard and it seems all he is seeing at the moment is the hard things.

Well i dont think i have enough life experience to me of much help to you OP, hopefully someone else will be along to advise.

But i dont think he sounds like a nice man, he sounds quite cruel to be acting so mardy with the woman about to give birth to his baby.

voguevvague well your sympathy has helped me! thanks for listening to me.
I dont think sometimes people can help being cruel when they are down. It doesnt always mean they are beyond redemption.... I hope

So are you in the UK and do you have British citizenship?

Do you have a bank account? Do you get child benefit? Why haven't you insisted on a joint bank account? What have been the conversations around these issues with your husband?

You need to start saving any money you can. You also need to think about getting a job - childcare costs are not down to you. They are split costs. If you need to get out then you need to be making a plan.

Why have you moved to a remote area? Was this a cost issue?

Op everything about your posts seems as though you didn't actively control your circumstances and are really angry..understandably.

First think about how you can make short and long term goals.

Bullet proof contraception.

As soon as possible get friends and family to give you money not gifts for birthdays and Xmas, save up and learn to drive.
do you have a friend or relative who will practice with you? to save on the amount of lessons?
My DM used to take me to a disused car park and help me to practice so l only needed 5 lessons before my test which was a great help.Even if you cannot afford a car once you can drive at some point you can get a job and then get a car on the back of it, it will transform your life.

Also there must be some skills you can utilise for extra income whilst at home, l have a friend who does some sort of phone marketing in the evenings when her dcs are asleep and when her DH is asleep.

She works 6 evenings for 3 hours and earns a decent amount without going anywhere. Can you find something?

As you are unable to sort issues with DP right now, put a mental block on him and focus on some future plans.

Good luck

Yes I have British citizenship and passport etc
Have a bank account and I do get child benefit into that. We did discuss having a joint account and he said we could if I wanted but I didnt press for it because it seemed to make him even more stressed and was making things worse between us. I felt like it be more uptight about spending money in that situation too... I felt like id need to justify everything I spent (not that he would ask me to do that) so I was happy to stay with separate accounts.

We moved to this area because we needed a larger house for the new baby and could not afford a suitable one in the city where we were.... the one we were in wasnt even really suitable for the 3 of us and was causing issues. It was also about his commute which was an hour and a half each way... so added on to the 13hr days it was just ridiculous. I was happy to move here and I do love where we live now. Its a big village so not as remote as where my parents live, theres some cafes and a school and a park etc.... it just might be an issue with finding work

I do need to find work but I was resigned to not doing that for another year now until the eldest was at school and the youngest 1yo. I thought he and I were on the same page about this.... I mean this is what we discussed.

It sounds to me as though he is really really worried about things. Two very small children. a job that sometimes doesn't pay as much as at other times, thirteen hour working days? I'd say he's scared out of his tree that it's all going to come tumbling down and he won't be able to cover the rent.

Doesn't excuse him being a twat to you, but if he's not good at 'failing', maybe he's afraid to face the fact that he is? He's not providing adequately for his family and there's about to be another mouth to feed.

Focus on yourself for now, OP, have your lovely baby, and hopefully things will improve for you soon.

dragongirl that is good advice. I need something to focus on. Every day that goes by my confidence is getting hit. I was going to look into maybe doing some cleaning or babysitting round here. Im just a bit frightened which is silly I know.. only been here six months and everything just seems really hard. I need to find some of my own positivity from somewhere.

Ok. If you are married the fact that everything is in his name doesn't make any difference, you would still be entitled to at least 50:50 of all assets if you split - more if you are the resident parent. (The only issue might be that you have a relatively short marriage, but the time that you spent together before marriage would be taken into account if you split, I think).

I'm sure you don't want to split, but you are not in as much of a vulnerable position as you seem to think. Stay strong, and hang on to your self-belief.

You are not a burden, you are his wife, his equal and the mother of his children. Don't let him pull you down!

£200 per month to buy whatever you and dc need?

You know he is essentially treating you as an Au Pair right? One who births his kids.

OP everything you've written about your OH screams that he is stressed, very stressed, and I know because a lot of what you've written, I feel the same and it is hard, very hard.

Like your OH, I feel that I'm holding all the weight of responsibility on my shoulder and that if I were to wave a bit, everything would be falling over. At the moment, I'm exhausted, unhappy in my job, feel unsupported and frightened because I feel I'm on the edge of wanting to pack it all in, but that if I did, I would destroy the lives of those I love most, and most importantly are reliant fully on me. The weight is overwhelming.

In my case, I'm responsible for myself totally, my two children and my parents. My kids' dad has never, EVER taken responsibility for them. All finances, important decisions, direction, discipline, ie. everything that requires an effort and is tiring, he left to me. My OH made it clear from the start that he would be a substitute dad and I respected that but he has no-one to be responsible for. He only has a mum and sibling and the sibling looks after his mum.

My parents have been divorced all my life, my mum is on her own and only has me, and my dad has my step-mum but they are both very unhealthy and I worry all the time that something will happen and I will have to take over, but like yours, they're abroad. I work FT, always have and until now, I managed to hold it all, but I've now reach the point when every task feels like another weight on my shoulder.

I'm saying this to try to help seeing things from your OH's perspective. I don't know what it is like to be a SAHM. I worked until I was 38 weeks pregnant with both my kids and returned to FT work by the time they were 6 months old. To be, being a SAHM is utter luxury but having not done it and only compared to how it was when on holiday, I can't judge, but neither does your OH and maybe he feels like me about your situation, which of course is unfair.

What you need is time. Prioritise your babies right now and make life as good as can be with what you have. When they'll be longer, you'll be able to start focusing on you a bit more, looking at going back to studying, starting to work etc... You clearly don't like to be fully dependent on someone else, and personally I agree with you, but not everyone feels like that. You do though, so you'll need to think about becoming more so, but you don't need to rush anything, one step at a time and hopefully, during that time, your OH will feel less responsible for all of you and as a result less stressed. There's hope, there really is.

It seems you've both been a passive victim of circumstance and just going with it.

Pregnant within a few weeks of meeting, falling pregnant again without planning it, tight money situation, him having to work 13 hours a day, both of you financially struggling even before you have another mouth to feed. It's a set of circumstances that will challenge many relationships to be honest.

You're both equally to blame for the situation you've found yourselves in. And it sounds like life is tough. The thing is it can't change quickly or easily, in fact it's probably about to get a lot tougher. So all you can do is talk to him and see if you can make him understand you've both made your bed and you now need to lie in it and try to make it as easy for each other as possible.

bluntness thats exactly it yes. But I dont think its as desolate as he is making it out to be. Its only temporary and we have a lot of things to be very thankful for really.

swingofthings thanks you are right he is stressed. I do try and sympathise but its hard when I feel like he doesnt sympathise with me. I love him and I do appreciate what he does for us.

I have to try and magic up some of my own energy here so im not putting as much emotional pressure on him and he can just have his stress and do whatever he needs to do without it bringing me down.
Its just been hard these last weeks as im so pregnant now and im just crying all the time at nothing. (Not in front of him or my son obv) Im sacred and I dont feel like I can talk to him because it will just make things worse.... and yet hes the only person ive really got to talk to here!