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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Loveless Marriage

13 replies

Quandryquandry · 26/05/2018 10:47

Has anyone left a loveless marriage just for that reason? We have a good life - lovely house, school age children, great social network, amazing holidays - but after years of oscillating between DH tolerating my foibles for a few months, alternating with weeks of him criticising me, haranging me and occasionally lashing out with uncontrollable rages, even in front of the children, I have no more love left for him. The thought of sex makes me extremely stressed, as I really don't like him at all. I even find my stress levels rising just being in the same house as him, even if I'm in a different part of the house.

Is the grass really greener on the other side, or should I just "put up and shut up" like my parents' generation did? If I was in my 30s I would definitely leave and hope to find love again, but I'm not and, like my very attractive and entertaining friends who left relationships in their 40s for better reasons, I expect to spend the next 15 years as a single parent.

Any views or personal experiences to share?

OP posts:

Emmageddon · 26/05/2018 10:52

Life's too short to be miserable. Being a single mum has to be better than staying in such an unhappy marriage. Take steps to end the relationship and then make the rest of your life a happy and fulfilling one.

FissionChips · 26/05/2018 10:56

I’d rather be a single parent than live the next 40 or so years with a husband like that.

Give yourself a chance to have a happy life, you’ve got many years ahead of you.

FicusReligiosa · 26/05/2018 11:16

How's communication between you? Have you discussed with your H what's been stressing you out? Would you consider couples therapy?
Please, try and give it another go, but be proactive.
The grass is never greener. It's just different grass.

FissionChips · 26/05/2018 11:22

The grass is never greener. It's just different grass

That’s bullshit, she says he sometimes lashes out in uncontrollable rages, of course not being subject to that is better!

SuperSuperSuper · 26/05/2018 11:29

The uncontrollable rage is a red flag, more so than the lovelessness and the distaste for sex. And those two things are serious enough!

It's time to separate as amicably as possible. I'm sorry you're dealing with this but the alternative is better.

theredjellybean · 26/05/2018 11:31

you do not have a good life...you have the external appearence of a good life.
how can you describe it as good and say you have amazing holidays and great social times and then say your husband lashes out in rage, harrangues you and you feel stressed being in the same room as him ?

wake up OP..either you have a good life with the occasional bad day/row etc ..( I THINK VERY VERY UNLIKELY) or your 'good life' is just the outward show for friends and family etc.

I did leave a marriage that was part of a good life because my dexh had not shown a flicker of sexual interest in me for years and years ...and though my life was good in many many ways i also felt a bit like it was false image we were giving to people of this succesful in love happily married couple, when in fact we were happy but as friends only.

OP i would leave if i was you, it sounds awful and you sound miserable

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2018 12:19

What do you get out of this relationship now?. All this put up and shut up crap of previous generations is nonsense. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?. You are still alive and never too old to get out of such a miserable and abusive relationship.

Couples counselling is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship FicusReligiosa. Such men can and do easily manipulate counsellors and women like the OP would have no voice in such sessions. Abuse also is about power and control and NOT due to a perceived lack of communication. This man wants absolute over the OP.

Quandry - do not keep on doing your bit here to show your children that a loveless marriage is and or could be their norm too in their adulthood. What are you so afraid of, feel the fear and do it anyway.
Staying for them is doing them no favours, do you really want to teach them such damaging lessons on relationships?. No you do not. Do you want this type of relationship for them - no you do not. You should not want this for you either. Your children will not thank you for staying with their dad. A house is but bricks and mortar and its no sanctuary for your kids either.

Being emotionally safe is far more valuable than a lifestyle you perhaps wish to maintain. What you really describe here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one.

TheStoic · 26/05/2018 12:21

It’s beyond loveless. He verbally abuses you. I wouldn’t spend 5 minutes with someone who did that to me, let alone the rest of my life.

swingofthings · 26/05/2018 12:24

So you are staying for the comfort of the marriage? Only you can decide whether these comforts are worth the stress of being with someone who you don't love, but it's not very honest. You can build these comforts for yourself whilst also enjoying your freedom. It's a better message to give your children.

SpaSushi · 26/05/2018 13:38

You might find it helpful to go and see a counsellor on your own to help you understand how you feel etc.

Much of what you said resonates with me, apart from the shouting bit, and i stayed put because i thought that was best for the children. After years of this, i Eventually spoke to a counsellor and realised i was majorly lying to myself just how unhappy i was, putting on a show of it etc. It helped me gain perspective and end the marriage.

I cant say whether its greener or not, its certainly gets harder before it gets better, but the relief of not being together is immense, and feeling the rest of my life is mine is great.

xpc316e · 26/05/2018 14:05

I had the detached 4 bedroom house, new cars, holidays, etc., and a wife whose jealousy had eaten away at my love for her over a period of 15 years. She was a devious control freak who eroded any self-respect I had to the point where I regularly contemplated suicide.

God knows how, but eventually I found the strength to leave her. She knew that I'd be back with my tail between my legs. I lived in an isolated, freezing rural cottage in the middle of nowhere. I didn't go back to her, and was never tempted to even think about it, as I was so glad to be out of my loveless marriage.

Sixteen years later I am in a wonderful relationship with a tremendous woman. I am a step-father to three super children. I have enough money to live, but nothing like the lifestyle I used to have. Guess what? I am gloriously happy and would never trade what I have now for the awful existence I had.

So yes, loveless marriage - been there, done that, got the T shirt. We pass this way only once, so I would advise you to get out and create a new, happier life for yourself. It might not be easy, but it will be worth it.

Cricrichan · 26/05/2018 14:11

I'd much much rather be on my own than unhappy with someone.

Cambionome · 26/05/2018 14:13

I completely agree with xpc. I've just left a very comfortable life with someone who I really didn't like very much, and I just feel so much better. And, to be honest, I don't think he was as bad as your "d"h by the sounds of it.

Lashing out in uncontrollable rages? No. Just no.

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