Uneasiness over money

[dirtygreyrug]

OH and I have been going through a difficult patch over the last 9 months . We are currently having couple counselling .

We have a joint account that is primarily used for bills and the like . We also have our own money . I earn considerably less than OH . OH puts a given amount of money in my personal account to spend on daily treats and outgoings for the children .

I took the children out the other day and on checking my account found that I had considerably less money than I thought , almost tipping me into my overdraft ( which I've never used in 20+ years). Further delving into my account showed that the money that OH was placing in my account had been reduced to £1 .

I brought this up with OH last night and he said he had stopped the money and reduced the amount he was putting in the joint account after an argument we had some months ago .

He said that I had said some very hurtful things , that his excelling in his job was about him boosting his own ego , that I was not supportive of his job and that his reduction of the money was about him feeling that why should he be working 10 hours a day and I don't acknowledge the hard work he puts in for the family and i don't show him any love or affection when he comes home from work ( things have been very frosty that last 9 months .)

The difficult patch we have entered has been as a result of OH not having my back in recent years when it has come to his family . They had overstepped the mark several times and he refused to acknowledge their behaviour .( he acknowledges it now and has started the process of making it clear to them that he does not accept the way they have treated me and has distanced himself from them for the time being until we are ready to talk to them about this - this is being supported by our counsellor ) I in turn felt that I was not going to support him in his work efforts if he could not have my back .

I have told him that reducing the money without even telling me has left me feeling uneasy about the way he has gone about . I feel it was sneaky and underhanded and slightly manipulative .

It's also left me feeling that I need to watch my pennies .

In our 27 years of being together we have never had any disagreements over finances .

Am I right to feel cautious and uneasy about this ?

Is he going to put money in the account now? Or does having a disagreement mean bills don't exist now?

He sounds dreadful. I think this is all very unhealthy and I’d LTB.

Yes you have a right! So he has more income than you and left you without. Im guessing you are the childcare so he can work?
Which means he has no right to take that money away unless he is going to find his own childcare.

What a dick move!

Category12 , he said the money he reduced has been going into one of our other joint savings account and he can move it back over. I've said no , out of anger and also not wanting to rely on it . I just thought maybe it's better for the children that we don't go out for so many treats . I know it's a bit cutting off my nose to spite my face .

Puttingthefoitdown , I have my own income , 10x less than his ( I only work one day a week .) From this I put money into the bills joint account , pay the children's phone contracts , fuel for the family car and I pick up the tab for family meals out sometimes .

I've always wanted to contribute and have done , regardless of my fluctuating income over the years . This past year I have been on the least amount of days I can work .

Are you married to his man?. It seems not but I thought I would ask this question.

re your comment:-
"OH puts a given amount of money in my personal account to spend on daily treats and outgoings for the children".

That sounds demeaning to you and why is that money regarded in such a way?. Does he really see the childcare and kids as your job solely?. Does he really not want to share here?. Given the pittance he now gives you it seems very likely, he is really trying to leave you trapped and controlled.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

I would cancel the couples counselling (have counselling on your own instead to gather your thoughts properly) and start making plans to leave this relationship; he is using his power and control here to financially abuse you. He has also not supported you when it comes to his family either, he has allowed them to treat you badly as well. This relationship should be at an end.

1. You are contributing way over what is fair! ! ! No wonder you've never had disagreements about money, he's way coming out best in this arrangement! Why would he argue? I understand you need to feel like you're contributing financially, but you're contributing through childcare!
2. He stopped putting money in your account without even telling? Money you spend on the kids? To punish you? Was he waiting until you went overdrawn and had to pay charges?
3. You withdraw supporting his work if he doesn't in turn support you against his family? Isn't that a bit tit for tat?

4 you've been 'frosty for 9 months but instead of having a mature discussion about it with you, he stops money without telling you. Because of a row MONTHS ago. Bloody hell, immature or what!

1. You refuse the money out of pride? That's cutting of your kids noses to spite your face.

There is so much mutual resentment here, it's leaking off the pages. I'm glad you're already in counselling because the lack of respect and love for each other is palpable. See this immature money stopping as a crossed line from which you can come back from with a lot of work and communication. Be open in counselling and agree to discuss matters not thrown your toys out of the mutual pram!

What a dick! So money is witheld because you don't deserve it? Because of your behaviour? Because you haven't been worshipping him for bringing money in?

Him working 10 hour days means your working day is even longer. I got told about how hard stbxh works all the time. Well guess what? Him working hard meant that I worked 24/7 because I had absolutely no help and support with all our kids and housework and the millions of things involved with having children.

I work now as my kids are older and it's a doddle compared to looking after 4 young kids on my own. I still do all the housework and childcare and fit in work when they are at school and in the evenings so still juggling all childcare and housework whilst he swans in and out as he wants. Going to a meeting for him means just checking he's not with another client. For me it means asking friends, organising who's getting dropped off where, what can I leave the kids to eat that doesn't involve cooking and so on.

So everyone deserves acknowledgment and gratitude for their contribution but not only for the work that gets paid. Without you working for the family, he wouldn't be able to do his work as well and it'd cost him a lot financially and logistically to sort childcare, shopping, cleaning, cooking, laundry. He'd have to take time off for doctors and dentist visits, for when they are ill. He wouldn't be able to commit to working 10 hour days unless he had a full time nanny and so on.

His behaviour is outrageous. Not ok. Not at all and I think you should be very very careful and start getting your ducks in a row

He’s bang out of order. Have you or will you bring this up in counselling?

He’s behaving appallingly. It’s not his money, it’s for your family, including you. Giving you £1?! What the fuck? Is that what your children are worth? That’s really disgusting.

It might feel you’re making progress on him valuing you and not letting his family be awful to you but I’m sorry to say this money stuff strongly suggests that he thinks he’s better and more important than you and will continue to look down on and try to assert his authority and influence one way or another. That’s not okay. He might not let his family abuse you at the moment but he’s still showing you he thinks he’s boss and he’s now doing it all by himself with no help from other people. Horrible. Really really horrible. You’re better than this. Don’t let him treat you like a misbehaving member of staff. If you were staff you’d have more rights.

I really hope you're married to this arsehole and not just shacked up with him. And stop all this 'contributing' shit. You're not student flatmates. Another whingy arsed manchild who thinks he's entitled to have his arse wiped because he works. Diddums. Most of the fucking planet does.

OH sounds like not and I agree this gives OP fewer options

But she can still call time on his bs and leave.

You need to be independent from this financially abusive tosser.
What an absolute bell end.
Similar happened to a friend of mine, her “D”H refused to give her money Over the holidays so she could take their 3 kids out. So she told everyone. At a party someone asked what she’d done with the kids in the holidays and she told them they’d done nothing and exactly the reason why. He got quite a few bollockings from several people.

He only did it once but she’s made sure she doesn’t rely on him, she’s got a job and he now has to do his fair share at home and with the kids.
The resentment is settling in however and I think it won’t be long before they call it a day. All because he didn’t value her contribution and tried to belittle her by withholding money. He thought he was all powerful as the main earner.

this is financial abuse. if you're already in counselling you might as well call it a day.

He is punishing you by withholding money?
No. Just no.

Tell him you’re going to be working full time and calculate how much childcare is going to cost him. And how much time he’ll need to put aside for domestic stuff from admin to cleaning and school runs.

I have my own income , 10x less than his ( I only work one day a week .)
Is there a reason why you only work 1 day when he works 5 long hours one? Is he ok with this or could his behaviour be reflective of his resenting the fact that you only work one day (assume the kids are not little any longer).

Obviously he's a knob to not just talk to you properly. Its a nasty game, what he's doing.
You do need to earn your own money though. I would hate to be facing my 50s financially dependent on a man. (Just guessing you are well over 40 as you say you have been together 27 years).

Stop paying into the bills account. Then think about how you can work and earn more.

You’ve both been very childish but I guess if you’re in counselling you know that.
He didn’t back you up to his family
So you didn’t support his work
So he stopped sharing his income

I don’t actualky think it’s fair to focus solely on the last thing he did - it’s a whole picture.

In what way did you withdraw support of his career? If he works 50hrs a week and you do about 8? Is that mutually agreed? Is it time for a proper discussion about this with the counsellor?

(Not excusing his behaviour, just that it seems tit for tat with both of you).

@museumum
Concise and unbiased.

@op. It was a childish thing to do & you both appear to have a history this sort of behaviour. You both need to continue counselling and make sure these issues are brought up.

Please tell me you're married!