Split up, selling house and feel its my fault again

[LittleMe2018]

Hi there, I am really looking for reassurance I did the right thing as well as feeling that things emotionally will be ok, thats the question really....as its still very raw since breaking up.

I am 43, my partner 51 and we have been together 4 years and lived together for 2 of those in a house we bought in 2016 which was lovely. Also we have a puppy who is amazing and no children. He has been married twice before, I havent. We have recently, well more like in the last few months been arguing and those have escalated towards name calling, bullying and just downright competitive natures getting in the way where its always me who ends up crying and getting upset.He says he cant bounce back from them and he has had enough and is draining him. I start off with a comment as I may find him rude and then he will throw something back which is normally more cutting that gets worse over time.

I have noticed our arguments are the worst around the time of the month per say but in actual fact it was just a general where they were escalating and I would say something he would come back with a more cutting comment like I needed help mentally at that time and before you know it I am the one getting upset and saying ok thats it I am done. He mentioned last year if these arguments happen again as we cant seem to resolve them then its game over and we are finished. which is basically what has happened this month.

So our last argument and thats it….. I am feeling drained and so is he. So after 3 weeks apart we are now putting the house on the market. I have noticed he was coming down at the same times as me in the mornings at the weekends and just making breakfast the same, making polite chit chat and then leaving...in the end I found it too much and it was upsetting me so told him to stop doing this as its just strange and he said he can do what he wants, but this was not sitting right with me. Whenever I tried to talk or understand the situation or try and fix it he would look bored and want to leave and do something else. So for me I knew it was time to go.

The next day he was saying he is upset, starts crying and says that its sad its not working out anymore and all our programmes we would watch together we no longer can and that he will find it hard to get a mortgage now at 51 and that it will really cripple him monthly now, which I may add isn't my fault as he doesnt want to get back even though I have tried to resolve things he is not budging. So as you can see he is upsetting me and confusing me as I guess I still love him.

We have since been living in our house for the last few weeks and its getting kind of emotional and heated so we have resorted to dealing with communication via email and not seeing one another which is working well, well for me anyway, but I am finding it hard.

The hardest part is our dog, we share her and he has suggested she stays with me which is brilliant and I am so happy about too. The difficult part is the selling of the house, he wants more than his fair share of deposit he put in, which I cant believe he has just come out with and I am seeing another side to him, he says to me, as you have come from money and will be ok, I need more and I have been here the same time as you and want more profit of the house. I was floored. So I said are you are not agreeing to the deposit you put in, as we were going to give him what he put in even though we didnt set up an agreement plan. He is more worried about getting a mortgage and at his age of 51 and it will cost him loads, he is trying his hardest to see what he can get out of me which I am shocked about and he says this is the first time in years I am going to be selfish (not sure if thats true here) and demand more money.

So, I thought to myself ok he is being awful, I cant handle him anymore, so I have seen a solicitor today and she mentioned you would both get 50/50 split and that she can write him a letter stating this so I may end up losing out as I put more in but if it means we sell up all the better and to move on too. However i am hoping he will agree to this and that he is not going to make things worse.

As you can see its become more of a personal issue with money only for him to email me the next day saying sorry he was so emotional but he is still feeling raw and wants to make sure he gets his fair share or we buy him out, oh really? We would have done but now its resorted to more legal as I cant seem to trust how he is going to be with me over these next few months. I am thinking is he raw emotionally or just selfish and reacting in this manner for a reason which is making me feel really angry and really upset to be honest.

in the meantime I am struggling to come to terms with this and feeling like I am on edge whilst he is in the house. I am trying to go out at night but feeling low, I tried a date but missed him weirdly, I am working later and its still hard, what I did find is when he is away from the house I am more relaxed and more happier even though I dont see him as the house is big enough to not see one another luckily.

I am annoyed at myself for still having feelings, feeling raw and emotional too more so when I am out at night its like I am not sure what to do with myself and miss our relationship. We use to go away skiing together, dancing, the gym, had a lovely life in this house but the rows were dangerous and I know he cant cope and we both ended up drained. He proposed to me in 2016, and is now saying he is reminded monthly of the ring payments and I am sure he will try and ask for that back too.

I just want to be happy again and back to my normal self…
Hey ho roll on the house sale, thank you for reading…

He is manipulative, mean and abusive. People will be along with better advice but mine is: lose him as quickly and efficiently as possible and never have anything to do with him again.

How much does he want exactly? Is it more than the legal and court fees and emotional cost of fighting it.

Until you tell us the figures it's hard to get a true picture.

I have a horrible feeling that if you don't have any written evidence of who put in what or agreement on who takes out what from the house sale, it may be difficult to prove your entitlement to more than half - but see what the solicitor has to say. IMO he's definitely not entitled to more just because he claims to need more, for a mere 2 years in the house and no kids in the equation, but it's a question of what you can prove. Lesson No 1: ALWAYS get stuff in writing!

Addressing the guilt: if you haven't been married before or lived with anyone long-term, possibly it is you not knowing how to rub along with another adult day-to-day. However, given that this guy is about to end his (at least) third, it seems more likely that it's him.

As for the ring: I believe you're entitled to keep it since he gave it to you, not lent it (!); that you're splitting now and that he hasn't finished paying for it is neither here nor there. I'd chuck it back at him though. Sometimes pride is worth more. He can get a refund or sell it on eBay or - most likely - save it for the next lady he battens onto.

On what basis did you buy the house? Did he put in less than you? Did you have written agreement?

It sounds like a very difficult situation I think you will be well-rid, you don’t need this sort of behaviour in your life. Unfortunately on the house thing I think you will find it will get split 50-50 unless you have some sort of ear-marking agreement, but personally I would get some basic legal help to deal with this situation as it may make a house sale quite hard work. Is there no way you could buy him out or him buy you out to make it easier? And yes, give the ring back, it’s a gift so you don’t have to, but in about 6 months you will wonder why you wanted to keep it!

You need to get proper legal advice about the financial settlement

And as ring would remind you of him, would you really want to wear it again? Yes, it was a gift and I'm not talking legalities here (nor the morality of family heirlooms, as it was bought) but frankly I'd just let him have it.

But as part of the overall financial package, of course.....

Ignore his bullshit and get legal advice on the money.

Get evidence of the deposit. You can get copies of the bank statements showing transfers when you bought the house. Look at email and texts from the time regarding the deposit. Print this out and show a solicitor.

He doesn’t want the dog either to make you feel he is kind (and therefore you give him more money) or because he can’t be arsed with the hassle and expense of being a dog owner.

Don’t feel bad and give him more money. His poor choices in life have meant he is 51 and in this position. He can easily get a mortgage to 70. Some lenders will do 75. Alternatively he can relocate or rent like many women in their 50s end up doing post divorce.

Don’t let him manipulate you. Take as much money with you as you can. He is not your problem.

If he calls you greedy/money grabbing/ turns on the sob story ignore. He is being greedy thinking he should get more. He has clearly told you his intention.

I presume the house is joint tenants. I also presume you have an easy audit trail on the money for the deposit. Just print it all off and take legal advice. Take legal advice on the ring too. Don’t be guilted, find out the legalities and act accordingly.

I see youve got legal advice. He is already doing well with the 50/50 split i assume. Nothing more to discuss there. Can you move out sooner? It does not sound healthy for you.

Hi, thank you for your comments, well the solicitor says he in indeed or we both are as we didnt draft anything up with our deposits a 50/50 split which he would gain around 10k if we sold the house at a good price I would lose that, however if the house has to drop then he wouldnt gain it would just be a break even on his deposit you see. Whereas I may lose if we dropped a lot say £15k/20k which is annoying yes but also my fault for not drafting anything.

The house is in joint names yes, we aren't married.

The solicitor mentioned if he doesnt agree on the 50/50 split or the house needs to drop to sell then a court order will need to be addressed to get him out but also he will need to fork out loads to get this himself too and I cant see him doing this.

He can go to a solicitors himself see what they say, but I doubt he will, as its more money.

Apparently the bank statements re the deposit of the money for the house makes no difference it needs to be a signed legal copy for them to say I get my money back etc.

The solicitor says its an easy one compared to if we were married, had kids etc its only if he doesnt agree on the 50/50 surely he will as its legal and he will gain by at least £10k if not he will break even thats my feeling after adding up the sums, all in all it will be me who is losing and I should be pushing for more money but I cant be bothered to be honest and he is more hassle than its worth.

The solicitor mentioned yes he will be able to get a mortgage but it will be a hefty monthly payment for him but thats no my problem like you say!

I have met this lovely man locally and he is truly amazing, treats me well, really we have everything in common but at the moment I cant see myself with him until this pig of an ex is out of the house and I am free from him as its hard to kind of move on if you are stuck in the past....

i am hoping it wont drag for months, he stayed with his ex when they split up for a year and a half until the house sold which was draining I can imagine so he has been here before whereas this is a first for me.

thank you

Honestly if you have the means stay elsewhere.

Surely whoever put in the deposit gets it back, then any profit gets split 50/50. If you aren't married, there's no other option, and that's what a Court would order

Singlenotsingle unfortunately that is naive. The court may rule in her favour, but it's not a guarantee. And costs £ she may not be awarded. Love and trust are great but they are not legally binding documents if it goes wrong. Bit like the commonlaw spouse myth.

If you want him out faster you may have to stump up money to speed up the legal stuff.

Some people may well not want to date someone still living with a recent ex: others may be OK with it.

He is more worried about getting a mortgage and at his age of 51 and it will cost him loads, he is trying his hardest to see what he can get out of me which I am shocked about and he says this is the first time in years I am going to be selfish and demand more money

I think he's played a blinder and this was his plan all along - manipulate you into handing over your money to him.
No wonder he escalated his abuse to make you reach breaking point

Whenever I tried to talk or understand the situation or try and fix it he would look bored and want to leave and do something else
He wasn't interested in the relationship.....this was just a means to an end for him.

After having used and abused you he now thinks he can continue to manipulate you into feeling guilty and giving him more money.
His lack of financial planning and future housing status is NOT your responsibility.
You are NOT his cash cow!

You definitely made the right decision regarding him.

Thank you everyone, I am feeling somewhat relieved as after all these year together when its finally official and he said enough is enough as well he now wants his money and its over. The good news is when speaking to the solicitor today he can only get 50/50 from me legally so I don't really lose out as it all depends on the house he may gain £10k maybe but he still has loads of bills to pay out and a whopping mortgage to get and I am free from him, now thats more than 10k surely? Once he receives the solicitors letter in 2 weeks time it will be interesting to see what he says and if he agrees to 50/50 it will be strange if he doesnt then we have another case on our hands!

💐💐good luck OP and get out of that toxic situation as soon as you can 💐💐