Please help me make her see sense

[Amiabadfriend]

I have a friend who is in a very vulnerable position due to her previous history with her ex husband. She has had a terrible relationship with the man she is current with, lots of emotional abuse and some of the most horrendous treatment....he has changed her from a loving devoted mother to a woman who palms the kids off to anyone that’ll have them, often bribing the older kids to babysit....long story short: said boyfriend is having a baby with someone else that he kept leaving my friend for....he’s abandoned her and convinced my dear friend to have a baby with him....she already has many children and she is struggling to parent.

Today she confided in me that she’s pregnant...I’m distraught for her and urged her to really think about this....what is there to stop him from leaving her again for the hundredth time and what about the other poor children? Perhaps I am too involved but I’m so worried about her and the DC. Her job is also on the rocks and that’s because of him...I’m just not sure what she would do if she were to lose her job.

Wondering whether to have it out with her DP.

Then she tells me that she has promised her dp that she will undergo vaginoplasty after baby is born as he has always made mean comments about her vagina...this is is ludicrous, how do I make her see sense?

It is none of your business OP.

Unfortunately there’s nothing you can do but to be there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong. Having it out with her DP will just drive a wedge between you. If you want to keep the friendship, I would keep your distance for now, for your own sanity. She has to realise on her own.

Do not have it out with her dp at all

Just be there for her, and if it’s too mentally exhausting for you, then you need to take a step back for your own self. You cannot change her, you can be there for her and that’s all sadly.

It is none of your business OP.

Of course it is! The friend is confiding in the OP thereby making it her business. And she clearly cares about her.

But the friend clearly isn't going to listen to any advice...

I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but.... Social Services. It has to be. You say she's struggling to parent?
No, they may not 'act' but I think you should make them aware if you are genuinely this concerned?

Before anyone goes off at me - Social Services aren't just there to take kids away when being neglected. They can offer all kinds of support

I agree re Social Services.

Yes they will offer support but their overwhelming and primary concern is the welfare of children. As things stand, the children are suffering, being damaged, bcs of this appalling dynamic. As much as your friend is suffering, the children are powerless and can't save themselves.

This is severe domestic abuse bcs your friend is a severely damaged woman who allows abuse to this level. She could start with doing the Freedom Programme, in person - find a local course here. Perhaps go with her so you get an understanding of the abuse dynamic, how it works..

There is nothing you can do about this appalling situation EXCEPT to take steps to alert the experts. Your friends is severely dysfunctional and needs professional intervention.

I understand posters who feel it’s none of my business but I really don’t agree with that sentiment....I picked up my DD last week in school and bumped into her DD who said that her DP was back with them and they were fighting again and she wondered how long he would be there this time...it really broke my heart as I expect his comings and goings are having an impact on her DC, how could it not?

I’ve spoken to a member of her family on the matter and she’s as disillusioned about the whole thing as I am.....my friend has wiped most of her family off her social media as she wants to hide her life...this isn’t right and just screams that she’s being abused.

I don’t know who my friend is anymore....months ago I made a decision to walk away but she needed me when she was in crisis again (over him)....he has made out his ex is crazy and she mirrors the same notion but when I have spoken to his ex she seems lovely but just a little damaged....she showed me recent messages between them with him asking for her to take him back....friend thinks it’s all one big hoax...they broke up last week and he went back to his ex and I honestly thought it would be for good but then he came crawling back.

a part of me thinks it can’t be love because he’s done so much to my friend that he’s akin to Satan. The last straw for me was taking my friend to a clinic as he had given her an STI.

Re social services I’m just not sure I could do it to my friend, I’d be worried the kids would be taken away and she does give some level of mothering, which is better than being placed with strangers?

I haven’t slept for worrying....they are celebrating this weekend so no doubt she’ll be on cloud 9...I’ll think about social services and thanks for letting me drone on....

SS don't rush in and snatch kids. They do everything in their power to keep families together. It's is only in extreme cases of neglect or abuse when parents don't cooperate with making improvements, or they think children are in immediate danger that they remove.
'Some level' of care sounds very bad. I'm not sure caring, loving and non-neglectful strangers would be worse.

I agree with Things. Ss will work with your friend.

Ultimately it is the children that need protecting first.