Toxic hell

[brainfoggedup]

I'm so fed up with myself and my relationship. My DH and I have been together 19 years and married for 11.
We have 3 DC and are locked in the most toxic relationship. I thought that we had managed to break free from our terrible relationship habits as had an almost 3 month period of peace but tonight it has all exploded in our faces. I think it's because he is in a low mood because of his health and I'm struggling with my hormones and adjusting to being a SAHM after years of working.
He is so harsh with his words and yet truthful at the same time that I feel like I'm going crazy.
I currently feel numb and exhausted but mainly helpless.
I don't know how to get out of this place that we're in. I see no end to this.
Any suggestions about where to begin?

I would also add that the crux of the fight tonight has been how terrible I've been at being a SAHM. I can never get it right. I'm permanently struggling with either getting the food right or the washing but just seem to be so crap at it.
He has pointed this out in a very nasty way.
He's right but I just don't know what's going on with me. My thinking is always jumbled up. I try and stay on top of things with phone reminders but I'm failing.

He should support you if you've made a joint decision to be a SAHM. Also being SAHM does not mean a 1950's housewife who does his chores all the time so he can do what he wants.

Why did you decide to be SAHM? Did he bully you into it? Is he trying to control you?

Feel really sorry for you in this situation :-(

He sounds unpleasant. Does he have any redeeming features

It was a case of no choice but to when our DS arrived. we couldn't afford the additional childcare.
I feel very lost and don't know who I am anymore. This isn't just a new feeling though, even when I worked I felt like I'd faded away.
It's the interaction with each other that is just so so so unpleasant. He acts in a rude and flippant way and when I point it out I'm told I'm overly sensitive and a snowflake.
The problem I find is he's so good at flipping everything over so that I wonder why I was making such a big deal out of things. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Apart from him who else thinks you're a shite sham? You? The woman who's been listening to negative feedback about herself for years?
Are your kids fed daily? Are they happy? Is there at least one set of clean clothes for each kid? Is there room to walk through the toys to get to each room? Is the bathroom suite the same colour (vaguely) it started out as? If the answer is yes, you rock!
Has anyone starved, had food poisoning in last two weeks, gone to school naked, been neglected, been emotionally or physically abused? If the answer is no, he has no right to criticise you. Let him bloody try it for a fortnight!
Go to doctor about hormone issues. Stop listening to his bs. And decide what you want from life. Perhaps a stint as sahh might be in order?

How old is your youngest?

Actually, you might be depressed - could be hormonal or the crap you've had to put up with from your D?H. Get yourself to a doctor - maybe antidepressants/CBT will help. Think of a stock answer if under attack as well - something like: I do not find that helpful (and repeat).

He has ground you down to this low point.

Why are the two of you together at all?.

What do you get out of this relationship and is this really the model that you want to reflect to your children?. They are all too clearly seeing how you as their mother is treated, do you want the same for them as well?. Many people do have ill health as well and do not act abusively as your H does. What he is doing here is a choice and he chooses to abuse you.

Take some time to look at the Freedom Programme online, It's not pricey,

It can be an eye opener about what is going on in your relationship.

He sounds like an abusive shit, whose criticism is stopping you from realising what a shit he is.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

The way he is talking to you is not ok. There’s a saying that goes something like “before you take medication for depression get rid of the negative people in your life and see if that also gets rid of the depression” fighting against his opinion all the time is probably most of your anxiety/depression. Maybe time for a break?

Thingsdogetbetter you have put a smile on my face reading that. You are right, I have only his negative commentary to listen too.
Even just reading that has lifted me. My youngest is 1 today and my other 2 are 9 and 7.
I'm going to prioritise an appt. with the GP and try and sort my hormone issue out as I know that's not helping things at the moment.
I'm going to suggest a weekend away with some friends as I've not had any me time since my little boy arrived. Maybe that will give him a dose of my reality.

Do look at the Freedom Programme. At your earliest.

You do not have to remain within such a relationship. You still have a choice here.

He is most likely the root cause of you feeling low. Depression is not an excuse for your H to behave like an arse towards you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.
This is really not the relationship model you want to be showing your DC. They are seeing and hearing all of this too and they are also seeing your reactions to his treatment of you. If its not good enough for them its not good enough for you either.

Nothing short of you leaving him will give him a dose of reality; this man seems quite happy as he is because he still has you around to criticise and otherwise abuse when he feels like it. He will probably try and sabotage any attempt you make to have a weekend break with your friends.

You need to take some time out from doing the housework. Take a break and go out for a coffee and catch up with friends. Maybe social interaction with others is what's needed. Keeping house daily becomes a chore if there's no respite. Try to plan for the next day, i.e. get a wash done ready to hang out, dedicate one day to ironing instead of ironing everyday, prep meals so they can be cooked last minute. Housework and kids is a full time job and does wear you down. As a PP said, sounds like you're doing a great job already if no one is going without. Tell your OH that instead of berating and belittling you, he should shut up and roll his sleeves up. If he doesn't like the way you run the ship, he can always go jump. Take a day off and just say 'fuck it', then go get your hair done or go buy something nice for yourself. only by implementing change, will things get better for you.