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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I making it all about me?

17 replies

Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 21:00

Our relationship is going through a difficult patch and has been for a while. He has depression, was under the crisis team due to suicide risk, but discharged earlier this year. Thry recommended talking therapy and medication (I think it was either or both) but hes not seen his GP about it. He's not working and generally quite low, several other physical health problems, and issues relating to his old job where he potentially needs to take them to a tribunal. However he does have a small support network (family members) as well as me.

I have a lot on my plate, in the middle of ongoing work to my house, really busy job, kids and so on. I don't have any family and for various reasons have lost touch with friends. So pretty much on my own.

Next week I was meant to be getting sonething done at home. I was off work today to prepare. This afternoon I found out it's not happening. Great. I've also had my neighbours making a noise nuisance all day (their kids are still screaming outside now even though it's 9pm!), tried to complete a couple of jobs today myself and couldn't because stuff was broken etc. It's just been a really shitty frustrating pointless day and everything has got on my nerves.

So he turns up and I say I've had a really frustrating day. While we're talking I look outside and notice other neighbours gardener has trimmed their hedge and left all the bits in my garden. So had a bit of a rant about that.

Anyway he says why am I so annoyed, I explain the whole lot of it that's happened today and how fed up abd frustrated I am. He doesn't respond. We sit there in silence for 20 mins before he gets up and leaves with the parting shot that he'll see me when I'm in a less shitty mood and how it's all about me and I never think anyone else has problems.

Which I feel is a bit unfair. I have supported him through a lot of shit that most others wouldn't have put up with (court cases etc) now I'm not looking for a medal but equally I feel he can't expect me to be a ray of sunshine all the time, can he?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2018 21:10

You live separately? I would let this relationship go, tbh, sounds like it has run its course. Does not sound like you get much from it.

Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 21:19

We've been together for a number of years but don't live together yet for various reasons. I was very happy but the depression and other issues have cast a cloud.

I have a lot of my own problems but I feel in saying that I do apparently I'm wrong.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2018 21:28

It can be hard, part of a relationship is mutual support, if you are not getting that from him, than it can be a problem. It sounds as though you are more of his carer, than his lover. Your not his personal entertainment. I would tell him next time he tells you about his problems, come to me when you are in a more positive mood. How long has he had the depression?

Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 21:28

However to be honest my hope is that we can get over this and things will return to how we were.

I'm just not sure how to handle the current situation, because I don't know if I'm in the wrong so should be apologising?

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Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2018 21:30

No you are not in the wrong, you are entitled to your feelings, and support off your oh, which you are not getting. Just have an honest chat about it.

Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 21:31

X post. He's been depressed for many years at a low level I think He had episodes of low mood but generally was coping day to day but it's been much worse since some traumatic events in the last year, that's what led to him being with the crisis team because they felt he was at high risk of self harm.

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Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2018 21:34

Oh right, that is hard for you. Do you think a break from each other could be better?

Teaandbiscuits35 · 25/05/2018 21:35

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. You're human, you had a shitty day and needed a rant. You can't be happy and smiley all the time.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/05/2018 21:35

Sorry if I don't sound very helpful, I have had depression, but more of a low mood type thing, and anxiety and panic attacks, which are helped through hypnotherapy. It affects everyone differently. I find doing things, and keeping myself busy helps me. And having goals to work towards.

Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 22:10

I don't know if a break would be a good thing or not. Maybe? But my concern is it might make things worse. Hard to know really.

I don't want to be happy and smiley 24/7. But I feel like I can't discuss my issues because they're not as serious as his (so I can't complain about my job because of his possible tribunal claim, that kind of thing).

I know I have enough issues myself but I can't help thinking he should be seeing his GP for more help with his.

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Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 23:14

Can't decide whether to apologize or not. Or if I should contact him tomorrow or leave it to him?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/05/2018 23:16

Honestly? This man isn't well enough for a proper relationship. He needs to seek treatment. You can't be responsible for his MH.

jedenfalls · 25/05/2018 23:22

What Wolfe said.

Potatopotarto · 25/05/2018 23:46

I'm not sure if he will seek treatment if I'm honest.

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Wolfiefan · 25/05/2018 23:47

Well then are you prepared to stick around for that? It won't get better if he doesn't.

Potatopotarto · 26/05/2018 00:30

Yes that's a fair point. I have been thinking that things were good before so will be again but it's not as simple as that really.

OP posts:
Potatopotarto · 26/05/2018 13:03

Have slept on it but still not sure what to do.

I don't think I want it to be over. But I don't want to carry on as we are either.

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