Sooo lonely in marriage

[LemmeavaBru]

Name changed for this.
Basically never really loved dh. Stayed out of family expectations and still with him after 20 years. A few dc later and things haven't changed. What makes it worse is we're not sexually compatible but do the deed out of necassity or out of the feeling of 'oh well its better than nothing' iyswim. (I've never been with anybody else so really can't compare but i know its not great). He is also a bit of a bully verging on abusive. An example from our early marriage is he used to be really stingey with money, sulking and pulling a face for days on end, if i made any purchases on my own accord. It was like living in hell so just gave way and did things his way. I did argue my point but he would just manipulate the situation making my behaviour seem ridiculous and making me feel guilty for even spending a pound. I feel emotional even writing this down.
The situation has changed slightly. I did my degree and got a job all while juggling kids and home. Hes always had a hold on me even after becoming independant. I spend about 80% on bills and food and he still questions any personal purchase I make or spend any money in kids; clubs or cinema tickets etc. Im not allowed to ask him for money because he supports his parents and siblings and anyway i have enough money, why do i need more? Its not just about economics. Im constantly told directly and indirectly im not good enough. A good enough wife mostly. He has a heart condition and at his nastiest he had told me its because of me . These are just a few examples.
He sulks when in his eyes ive done something wrong. The atmosphere is horrible. We dont sleep in the same bed. We do the deed and he rolls over and goes to his bed. Im left in my own. I fantasise about a loving relationship and recently have started to have crushes on men. I know its wrong but im sooo lonely. I dont even know if i want another relationship because this one is so horrible.
I've become a shell of a person, constantly depressed but fighting and realising i cant let a man make me feel like this. Hes away for a week and i feel free. Like a heavy weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
But ...I cant leave. I have multiple kids, very conservative family who wouldnt underatand why i would leave him. 'Does he beat you up?' 'Is he having an affair' 'what would become of your kids?' 'What would become if him?' 'He's not well thats why hes like this. You just need to put up and be strong.' Do this or that and hell change hust wait' 'you're being selfish' 'who would want you afterwards anyway with 5 kids'. These are some of the things that have been said by family and friends. Even the supportive ones have never come out directly and told me to leave him. Theyd just give examples of their own bad relationships.
I guess I really dont know what i want. But i needed to vent. Thank you for reading. I dont know if any of this makes sense.

I no of many Asian women who live behind closed doors like this. It's a form of domestic abuse. The husbands treat the wives like utter shit, withhold money, emotional abuse, the women expected to cook clean and look after the kids without no help. And so many times I hear the husband has his own bedroom (like why is this). It seems like the women get used and abused and can't speak out for fear of shame within the community. The husband gets all the credit for everything and looks like a good person to all within his community while the wife at home becomes miserable and depressed. I feel deeply sorry for any woman stuck in a relationship with no equality or love. Sorry to hear this saira

You can find the bravery - it's there, even if we have to dig deep for it sometimes. I didn't want to waste the one life I have being miserable.

And even if you don't find that love you're wanting, being on your own and free is so much better than being tied to someone who doesn't love or respect you. I felt a huge relief when I left - I didn't have to put up with being treated like crap, I didn't have to live with someone who made me feel miserable. I felt free.

But should I rock my dcs world because of this hope which may or may not happen?

Can you stay and live this life just to keep things the way they are for the kids? Life at home can't be brilliant for them when your husband is as you describe and when their mother is unhappy. You can make a good life for them on your own. A different life, but it can still be good.

No one can tell you if leaving is right for you - we can only tell you what we'd do in your situation and what we think you should do. But you only have one life - do you want to waste it on someone who doesn't want or respect you?

I’m sorry sweetie sending love and support your way xxxx
First things first forget what your family think it’s your life and life is for living not wasting your one precious life on anyone nasty like this pleb!!!
You sound fantastic by the way.
And of course you and the kids lives will improve dramatically!!!
I’m so rooting for you!!

There is nothing worse than feeling lonely and rejected in your marriage. I'm in similar situation. I've fallen out with a certain family member because she is even taking his side. No one sees behind closed doors. And they think we are needy and ungrateful because we are unhappy and lonely.

Thanks again everyone for your support. It really means a lot. He rang me yesterday and I told him how peaceful and calm it was without him and that he should consider living there fulltime!
He laughed it off but I've been trying to plan how I can leave. It honestly seems like the steepest mountain and the stumbles would just put me off.
Thinkingof, i've been doing a lot of thinking and i really believe that in our community a woman, and indeed men, cannot leave their marriages and the ones that do are forever lost or the failed ones. Its this fear thats holding me back. Even thinking of the dcs future, a potenial divorce would affect them. Or not. Who knows. But I know of a friend whose parents divorced and in arguments her 'd' h would say like mother like like daughter. It's so sad.
I also think we are not doing our dcs any favours by modelling this kind of marriage; it normalizes it and it is far from normal.

It's taken me 19 years to realise how abusive my husband has been. That's too long I know and I could kick myself for subjecting me and the kids to it for so long. However, my eyes are finally open and I'm moving on. I know it seems impossible, but get in touch with a Women's Aid charity and get some free legal advice from them. They've been amazing with me. You and your children are worth more. Good luck.

Be a good role model to your DC by saying enough is enough!

You will find a way op because you have a sense of justice and fairness which you will want to pass on to your DC.

Your DDS will be so proud of you for making a stand. You would not want them to be treated like this so you have to be their role model. You owe it to them.

You owe it to your ds to demonstrate that women are not to be mistreated.

More and more wonderful Asian women today are having to the hard job their mothers and grandmothers put off doing ( or never had the chance to).

There is a lot of support out there so please don't feel alone.

Your DC need you to stand up to what is fair, what is right, to be a good role model.

You sound wonderful, resilient, and you know your DC deserve much much better than to live in a horrible toxic environment.

Reach out! You can do it! Good luck!

Thank you Tessie. It really gives me courage to see other women going through similar stuff finally trying to leave. I saw your post and will comment.
Robin, thank you for your encouragement. Yes my dc deserve better.
Last night i told my mum that i couldnt take another 20 years of this and surprisingly she was sympathetic i.e, not angry. She did however try to persuade me to stay by pointing out what it's like for single mothers and how other family members swan in in the guise of helping and being sympathetic but then have a hold on you for the rest of your life.
I know this is true to a certain extent because my mum was a single parent for a little while and this behaviour had happened and is still happening today.
Sadly second marriage didn't work out for my mum because her ex was abusive and controlling to the extent he tried to take kids from her even her home from her. Like another poster mentioned I really haven't seen a great marriage first hand myself. I think my mum sees my 'successful' marriage as a badge of honour for me and herself and a big part of me doesn't want to leave because it would break her heart. It's hard for ppl who don't belong to this culture to understand but its our reality.
But I have decided to keep my mum in the loop wirh everything and if I do decide to leave it won't be a big shock. My db would most defintly sympathise and so would the ppl from my generation and younger. Never the older generation.

Parents definitely do that badge of honour thing. My dad did and no longer speaks to me because I am in the process of splitting from my EA husband. He thinks I've 'thrown it away', but as you point out it's generational.

I know it's often said on here but it takes time, and you damn well take yours.

MN is here to support

It might break your mum’s heart, but tbh, it’s that or you slowly sink into oblivion and a bleak future where your kids think this is normal, they repeat the mistakes and live this same life themselves. I think you’re worth more and so are your children.

A lady in know stuck a dreadful marriage for 50 years for 'the children.' They grew up, left and told her 'I don't know why you didn't leave him, how can you stand him?'

Don't be her.

Olddear. Thats so sad. My dd1 often says sge doesn't want to marry because married life is horrible

There's a lot of us in my social cirlce who have crap marriages but no matter how horrible it gets, and its been worse than me for some of them, they haven't left. I feel if I'm the first one then they'll be finger pointing and a sense of failure. I don't know why these thought have such a hold on me but they do.

It sounds absolutely terrible, LemmavaBru. Are you able to speak to the Womens' Aid national helpline? There is also a really helpful forum on their website. It is so important to have some real life support and to recognise that you are not the only person going through this.

A lot of women stay in appalling marriages for any number of reasons. It can be really hard to leave and it's not something you should do without all the support and information you can muster.

If it is safe, start looking up Domestic Abuse. It is a hard pill to swallow. It is very very hard to see what is happening under your nose. You have posted here, so you are getting a twinkling that something is wrong. It is not your fault!

Yes, they'll be finger pointing saying 'see Leemeavebru? I wish I was her'

Unfortunately people who stay in abusive relationships model that behaviour to their DC.

Under no circumstances would I ever allow my DC to witness horrific treatment of me!

They deserve a safe and happy and caring
environment in which to live based on love and respect.

My DH is a lovely man and is kind, respectful and helpful and my sons are just like him.

How can a poor role model of a father ever be a good role model to their son or daughter?

That is a good enough reason to leave and stop the cycle of abuse.

If women don't make a stand, who will?

Olddear that was what got me out of my marriage. Imagining telling my children that I stayed for them (not that I would do that!) and them saying “what did you do that for? We’d have been fine.”

Well, that's exactly it Susie She tried to leave when the children were young but he was so manipulating and the kids hysterical at the thought of them breaking up, she stayed and endured his affairs, drinking, abuse....50 very long years. When he had a stroke she nursed him to the end. What a life.

I hope you find the courage. You sound lovely and life is so short.

I read a letter in a local newspaper yesterday written by a woman whose 'd' h had an affair and has moved in with the ow. But, everyone, including her parents are telling her to stay and that he will come back after the affair. But her point was as if she'd want him now after he's devastated her and left her with 3 young dc. But the thing she's most sad about is that her parents and wider community won't support or even condone her wish to leave. The letter suggests she will but she wanted everyone to know how difficult it is to leave even when for her there is no other option.

Imagine what the responses would be if a man had written that letter....