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Original poster

I slept with someone else during a break up

51 replies

Mason4572 · 25/05/2018 03:17

My ex and i spilt up a month ago after I found texts from another women telling her how beautiful she was. I ended it then and there, he never reached out to me and left me in a state for 3 weeks. I met someone at the gym and slept with him unprotected once. Never believing i would get back with my ex. Now we are working things out and i dont know if i should tell him or not and feel so much guilt?

OP posts:
VerbenaBoriensis · 25/05/2018 07:28

So he cheated on you, ignored you for weeks and then you reached out to him? Well I know that's not what yr asking but you've just given him a pass to do it again-sorry.....Think it's best not to tell him as u were on a break. He has broken yr trust and doesn't sound like you'll trust him fully again. Imho I prob wouldn't waste my energy on this and go find yrself a fella who is as loyal as you are. Good luck whatever u decide.

AnyFucker · 25/05/2018 07:29

I don't understand why you are getting back with a cheat

And not just the cheating, the way he has treated you is very shoddy

You can do better than this. The other random guy is a complete red herring

TheBogWitchIsBack · 25/05/2018 07:32

He will do it again. Taking him back is like giving him permission. The message you're sending him is that you'll put up with his cheating, you might be mad for a while but he got away with it.

AhYerWill · 25/05/2018 07:35

You've done the hard bit of breaking up. Why take him back now? Likliehood is he was shagging the girl he was texting while he was ignoring you. She probably had enough of his cheating arse, dumped him, and you get to be the backup option. Don't be the backup option for a man that doesn't respect you....

hellsbellsmelons · 25/05/2018 10:49

after a year long relationship ended
1 YEAR OP - 1 year and he was already cheating on you or at least trying to.
Why oh why are considering taking him back?
He's a lying cheating scumbag.
You deserve better - please believe that.

So he ends it with you. Goes off to the OW to have his fun.
Realises it's not what he thought it would be so he comes back to his 'fall back girl' and you roll right over and take him back!?

Look at why you are doing this to yourself?
He wont' change.

1 year should still be loved up, honeymoon period and he was cheating.
RUN - THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Adora10 · 25/05/2018 10:59

Are you really that desperate OP, he cheated on you then ran away like a right coward and you feel guilty for moving on, Jesus, wise up, I'd not trust him now either.

JeanLouiseAKAScout · 25/05/2018 11:25

Back to the gym. Sounds far more fun than this guy tbh

NotTheFordType · 25/05/2018 11:33

I was so loyal and committed to him and he still strayed.

It doesn't make any difference whether you were loyal and committed or out every saturday night pulling other men. If a man's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. You cannot change HIS behaviour by altering YOURS.

SendintheArdwolves · 25/05/2018 12:09

You have nothing to feel guilty about and what you did was your own business.

And because of that, I think you should tell him. Not apologise, or minimise or try to hide it - tell him honestly and without shame. Why hide it? You haven't done anything wrong.

Or are you scared that his reaction will tell you A LOT about him and how he views your relationship - any of this sound likely?

"You couldn't wait to run off and sleep with someone"
"I can't believe you cheated on me"
"Didn't take you very long to get over me, did it?"
"I suppose we're both as bad as each other - you can't complain about me sexting and I won't complain about you sleeping with a stranger"

  • endless throwing it in your face when you have an argument.

Just break up with this guy, OP. I don't think he sounds very nice or trustworthy.

DottyDotts · 25/05/2018 12:14

Also you reached out to him one last time and he then wanted to make it work. Why didn't he reach out to you and chase you. Instead he blocked you and didn't respond for a month. What was he doing in that month. Could have been in a relationship with another.

Original poster
Mason4572 · 28/05/2018 01:38

Thanks guy, I am willing to give it another chance with him but cant get rid of this guilt. I dont know what he did in that month and I dont want to know. I dont know if Ill be able to live with this secret and will probably end up telling him and if he leaves, so be it. Mind you he has never once asked if I was with someone and for all I know he could of been with someone else but that is HIS business cause we were broken up.

Would you suggest not saying anything unless he asks?
Maybe its because it was unprotected why i feel so guilty but i slept with people prior to meeting him and never felt guilt like this!

OP posts:
piethagoras · 28/05/2018 03:50

Can I ask why it is a secret? You're adamant you've done nothing wrong, so why haven't you just got it out in the open, so you can both put it behind you and move on?

daisychain01 · 28/05/2018 05:43

I am willing to give it another chance with him but cant get rid of this guilt

Your guilt is completely misplaced when you consider what he did you you to cause the breakup. HE was the one to stray not you!

Then you let him off the hook by saying 'even if he did go with someone during that month, well that isn't my business anyway'. You're dishing out double standards against yourself!

If it affects you so badly that it is playing on your mind and piling blame on yourself, I would distance yourself from him, because it's making you unhappy and seek some counselling eg CBT, because your self-esteem needs to be built, not just because of this relationship but for the future.

I would walk away from the whole thing but you seem resolute to resurrect a relationship with someone who will see you as desperate. And that will give him licence to be unfaithful again.

Johnnyfinland · 28/05/2018 05:49

The only thing you've done wrong here is taking the twat back! You were single, you can do what the hell you like after you ended it with him. But blokes like this rarely have some sort of epiphany that stops them behaving like that again.

Original poster
Mason4572 · 28/05/2018 05:53

I feel if I tell him, he will leave.

That is why I have not put it on the table.

OP posts:
chewbacca83 · 28/05/2018 06:09

I personally would lay all cards on the table and ask him to do the same. You can guarantee if he slept with someone else he hasn't been as responsible as you and been tested. You could be exposing yourself to risk there. I would expect he has slept with at least one person. Based on his history I wouldn't expect him to be honest about it. I think you can do better.

piethagoras · 28/05/2018 06:34

'I feel if I tell him, he will leave.'

Then that's your answer, isn't it Mason. You knew that anyway, deep down. It's hard to do it now, but it will be much, much harder later when your liaison with gymguy comes out. Because it will inevitably. The little bit you've posted on here says to me that you're not the sort of person that can live with that sort of secret inside you.

If I was in your shoes, I'd brace myself and tell him.

daisychain01 · 28/05/2018 07:06

I bet he isn't feeling the need to brace himself and come clean about anything Smile. Why should Mason need to feel for something that seems to amount to a confession?

And then open herself to the risk of him turning it round on her and calling it a day (as she fears). That's turning herself into the victim.

Xiolablueviolet · 28/05/2018 08:56

I think you can do better.

He will put you through this again. Leave now and don't look back.

needmorespace · 28/05/2018 10:18

Are you very young OP? Why on earth would you want to chase down and try again with a cheater who showed no remorse or interest in trying to put your relationship first. You need to step outside of this relationship and think about what you would say to a friend in your position.
Run away fast from this manchild and have more self respect and worth in future relationships.

Original poster
Mason4572 · 28/05/2018 10:45

I am 32 and a single mum of two beautiful children. I've decided to keep this one to me. After confiding with my family they believe I should keep this one to myself unless he asks. I just can't bring myself to tell him and if he asks, I will be honest. But I have to let this one go and hope it doesn't come up in the future and if it does be honest. I have to remember I was single at the time and owed no one anything. Every action has a reaction and his action caused this reaction, not saying he made me do it but obviously never would of happened if we hadn't of broken up due to his behaviour with the other women. I had asked him that morning if he was talking to other women. He said no. Then a lengthy conversation with someone he said was a friend but ended up being a girl he met in a dating site before we met. Not a friend, a connection. Never once was I informed he had seen this women( which he had) that's how they got talking. He never contacted me once when he left. Instead leaving me to pick up a trail of destruction and raise my children heart broken and I tried to move on with life the best I knew how. For that I feel I am entitled to not say anything. Sleeping with someone didn't fix it and it's something I wish I didn't do but all I can do is learn from it now and move forward

OP posts:
Original poster
Mason4572 · 28/05/2018 10:51

He still to this day confirms he meant to say she is beautiful about his daughter and a pic he had sent of him and her. But the message I saw was 'You are beautiful' so I believe he has not been completed honest with me. I think he tried his luck with someone else and it back fired. So in saying that I really don't owe him an explanation as I was single and never in my right mind would I cross the line in a relationship.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 28/05/2018 11:00

He never contacted me once when he left. Instead leaving me to pick up a trail of destruction and raise my children heart broken and I tried to move on with life the best I knew how

So this is the person you are giving all the head-space to? Really, can't you see you are worth more? You would be better having nobody, but have your peace of mind, rather than with someone who is so gutless and lacking in staying power to hold down a proper relationship that you deserve.

Think about the message this gives your DC....

OrianaBanana · 28/05/2018 11:10

He is flakey and unreliable and you have DC to think of as well as yourself. He hides things, he deals with conflict in a completely unhelpful way. I wouldn’t entangle myself any further with him. I don’t think you’ve once said anything nice about him in this thread so why bother?

SandyY2K · 28/05/2018 11:16

I don't know if you feel you have to settle because you're a single parent...but based on his lies and the fact that you're the one who more or less begged for another chance ...I don't hold out much hope for the longevity of your relationship.

By reaching out you appear to be the desperate one. He doesn't seem bothered either way.

Remember this...

He who cares the least in a relationship, holds the most power