It isn't going to work, is it?

[Dinoraw]

I'm 22, he's 26

He was never taught to clean up after himself so I do It all as well as pick up after our two young kids.
I bring in all the income. I've sold everything I held dear and valuable to pay for rent. Whereas he's bought things from his family. I get nothing. He wants a new game, shoes etc, he has it. Other people foot it. He has no job. Last time I bought myself some clothes was in 2015 before our daughter was born. That's also the last time I felt good about myself. I had some self worth. I get no help.
I get a lot of help with the kids, he's a good dad. I won't take that away from him.
He has a bath in the day, I struggle with the kids. I have to have a quick one at night.
He has dinner, I feed the kids. I often don't eat and get yelled at that I'm anorexic.
He goes on xbox live with his mates, an falls asleep as soon as he gets into bed. There's no time with me as dd usually gets into bed with us and he doesn't stop it like I want it to now. He is happy cosleeping. He then makes me feel bad for sleeping on the sofa.

Tonight we were meant to be intimate tonight.. If you get me. Yet we're both ill, me more so as I have rheumatoid arthritis and as well as having a really bad cold, I'm having a huge flare up. Yet I'm still bloody struggling to even pick our dd up. For example, I asked him to put her in the high chair and I get "oh, ill do it later. I ache". You fucking ache pal?! So I did it and bloody struggled. I love our dcs so much but with arthritis this badly flaring up its almost impossible for me to be a mother because I can barely open my hands. As well as do all the household chores. Washing, cleaning, cooking.

So anyway, I did the big shop on my own with our ds, come back home and dd wakes up from her sleep (8pm) I've delt with her all night, luckily she's just settled.
So I'm not tired now. I'm pissed off. Whatever time I was meant to have with him is gone. An I'm not tired now. I ache too much. So I wanted to go downstairs to potentially sleep on the sofa as dd is in the bed and I'm uncomfortable and I can watch TV at least or read with the light on to keep me occupied. He yells at me. "SO WHATEVER TIME WE DID HAVE, YOU WANT TO WASTE IT. WHY DON'T YOU LIKE ME". I can't even be bothered anymore.
I just had a realisation looking at my empty trinket dish that had my loved jewellery on it that I've sold that it isn't going to work. An I'm devestated. We were getting married. We were going to have our life together with our little family. Yet this most likely won't happen now. I can't just split up because he would move home miles away and my kids so young would be away from me. The youngest being 9 weeks old. (ds).
I'm so fed up.
I'm trying to make mom friends, but I just feel like they're all so clicky and my old friends that are mothers are using me so I've cut that out my life.
I have no one. I'm behind on rent again and struggling and I'm getting no support.
I don't know what to do. I feel so isolated and I feel like I shouldn't. I want to call my wedding off because my gut is telling me it isn't right. But then splitting up my kids will be away from me living in a village with no hope when neither of us drive. I'm so done.

It says a lot I was thinking more of my ex today (okay terms now but not speaking at the moment.)
Doing so well for himself and came straight to speak to me because he knew I was down a month ago. Put everything aside for me.
It says a lot I was happier with him despite him hitting me. (we were young teenagers)
I can't go back there. But it made me realise my life now apart from my children is a huge train wreck.

You're soooo young though, you've got loads of time to put it right! Start making financial plans now, just write him off in your mind, let him play xbox, you get a comfy bed and practise childrearing without him, arrange babysitters etc, put money away, look for houses or whatever. Leave on your terms.

Right. If you don't want to be with this man you don't have to be. He doesn't sound like he is contributing financially, emotionally or domestically. He may have a few giggles with the kids (I guess this is what you mean by him being a good dad) but that just isn't enough. Is he a SAHD? Does he look after the DCs when your at work? What is he actually doing with his days when you are at work?
I think you have enough justification to tell him he needs to shape up or get out. He is either depressed or a massive knob. Which one is it?
He may not shape up or ever change. By telling him you are not putting up with it anymore will he try and change for the better or tell you where to stuff it?
Do you want to make if work?
I know this is probably all basic stuff but I don't know him and have no idea how he will react to any criticism or threats of kicking him out.
Can you ask him to leave.
Honestly what do you think he will say if you turned around tomorrow morning and said "enough is enough, I can't take this anymore you need to leave?" Would he be surprised? Would he think "whatever" would he think "what are you on about?" Or would he think, fuck my time is up I have to go?

I think i will. I'm really trying to take charge of the kids. I've sold a few paintings to my family and I'm hoping to make a business out of it if I can get the confidence from somewhere.
I do need to move, my name is on the council, I'm just worried about getting somewhere rough.

He would literally scream at me if I asked him to leave. Followed by crying and begging me. Followed by grovelling, guilt tripping etc. Followed by flowers and asking to talk about it. He looked after dd when I returned to work although he had a job too then. I'm only part time but he had dd them.
But I think both. I know he's depressed. I also know he's a massive twat.

Oh god, it's so hard isn't it.
So do you want to be without him?
If you do then you need to ignore the screams and the guilt trips and the flowers. He is doing all of that because he is scared to be alone. He probably doesn't like himself that much either and doesn't want to have to live up to the realisation that is being an adult. Would he hurt you if you told him to go?
Is it safe to tell him to leave and repeat it loudly and clearly? Would not giving in work? Just like with a toddler. Never give in because then they think they can always winge and whine to get what they want.

If he point blank refuses to go, is there anywhere you can go for a few days for a rest bite and emotional support? Is there family who can help you? Any massive strong man who can pick him up and Chuck him out?

I don't know :( I have no self worth anymore so I can't see who else would stick me. I don't need a man. But I want to be stable with someone and have a nice family for my children. I had that with my mom. She had a partner who took me on. My biological dad was and is present in my life. But when my mom split up from my stepdad, we were forced homeless. Whereas when she went back to him, he changed and we had/have a beautiful home 20 years later still. I don't want my children seeing me in the same position I was in as my mother. Because things are a lot worse in those situations now. I don't think for a moment he would hurt me. Maybe emotionally but he is the big strong man to carry everyone out. There's no getting around it.
I do have family. But I don't want them to know about this. I just get it in the neck that I made a bad decision picking him.

OK. First of all it doesn't matter what people think or will say. That's ego talking. You do have self worth because your here trying to sort your life out.
Ask your mum for help. Tell her you ducked up badly and need her to help you out. That's what we are here for isn't it. To help not our DCs when they need us. Your mum could advise you on what your next step could be.

I know how hard life can be when you had a traumatic childhood. I went through a lot as a child and teenager and became an anxious and depressed young adult. But as I grew up (only 29 now!) And got help life became far more manageable.

Ask for help and accept it.

I know I am a random on the internet but I assure you , you are worth far more than you think you are. You are a women, a strong independent women, a strong and loving mother. You are pretty underneath all the hatred for yourself. You are fun to be around when you let go of all the negativity you hold within you. You are passionate and loving when you are not being stamped on by men.

You deserve to be happy and free.
You deserve help and compassion from your family.
You deserve to be heard and your hand held.

So please speak to someone in real life.

(If I had spoken up in real life instead of hiding and being scared of ridicule then I could have saved myself and my mum a whole lot of pain)

I think there are two issues here. The obvious relationship one, which you will get a lot of good advice about. I spent more than twenty years in an abusive marriage. One of the reasons (in hindsight) was that I had been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at the age of twenty and I thought no-one would want me, and he was very sympathetic and I thought it would be OK. It wasn't.

In the early eighties there wasn't much by way of effective treatments for RA. There are now. Can you talk to your doctor? The drugs are powerful and they have some major side effects, but I have embraced them because they have given me my life back. My mother had RA and as a ten year old I was doing the supermarket shopping because Mum was housebound and couldn't get out of the house. She would sit in a chair and read detective novels with a pillow on her lap because she couldn't hold a book. I did small kids and abusive marriage and constant pain and no money, and survived.

Don't put up with it. I know what it is like to struggle to pick up a baby. I know what it's like to be so fatigued you don't know whether you are coming or going. It's part of the disease.

I think you need to get really stroppy with your doctors and get the RA under control. Really. If you do you will start to have the energy to deal with the rest. Which from me (and I suspect the rest of Mumsnet) will be a resounding chorus of LTB!!!

This is no way to live Op something has to change. You can't remain in a hopeless relationship due to fear of custody.
Who is the primary carer would have to be established in court. You worked partime before ML and he was working also?
Now he isn't and you are at home with 9 week old technically he isn't a sahd.
You are entitled to exit the relationship and suggest mediation to sort child care custody arrangements and state your wish for no less that 50/50 that you are infact primary carer for 9 week old baby and will not be splitting up kids either.

You can do this you can, seek support in exiting this hopeless situation and create a new life with your children. Don't stay out of fear seek advice, support and help.

Dino you are 22, with your whole life ahead of you. Please sit down and talk with your mum, a problem shared us a problem halved. You have so much weighing you down right now, it must be like you don't know where to start. Mums know more about what hoes on in our life's than we think trust me.

Sending you a hug, cos god knows I think you need it right now.