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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want to separate.. but don't trust him with the kids

18 replies

Peachsnowpop · 24/05/2018 22:32

He wouldn't purposely hurt them or anything but he has a horrid temper in terms of slamming things around and shouting 'ffs'. He drives recklessly, doesn't think EVER, I'd worry he'd have a drink and leave food cooking on the stove then fall asleep (which he's done before but I've always been here). I couldn't trust him not to lose one of them if he ever took them away for a weekend (not abroad). The kids are aged 5-12.

Thoughts ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Peachsnowpop · 24/05/2018 22:46

And just to add - 2 of the children have special needs. H also has aspergers and social anxiety. H clashes hugely with the 2 children and they dont always get on that well with H
The younger one adores H

OP posts:

CamillaTurner · 24/05/2018 22:48

My thoughts are based on on my, similar, experiences. I planned it for years, then left him when the youngest turned 12 and was old enough to decide, more or less, who to spend time with. It was shit for me, but I couldn't leave them with him when they were younger, so there was no choice.

AnyFucker · 24/05/2018 22:49

This is a tough one.

colditz · 24/05/2018 22:52

Given that he doesn't seem to like them very much, would he even want a weekend father relationship with them or could you just get him to pick them up once a week and take them to macdonald's?

My ex is a Shit Dad. The relationship they have with him is reduced to the point where it HAS to be good, because it's lunch on a Saturday if they fancy it.

smilingelizabeth · 24/05/2018 22:54

Gosh my circumstances are so similar we must be twins. We split 4 years ago and I still have many concerns. I have strategies for how I try my best to reduce any risk of possible harm to them. Ages 5-12 and one with ASD/ ADHD.
If you'd like to pm me I can give you more detail of how I've coped. It's been a bumpy road but splitting was the best thing for me.

eggncress · 24/05/2018 23:08

The two with special needs might not want to see him much ...maybe McDonald’s as pp said. If the youngest adores dh and he sees this dc one to one it’s less likely to be stressful (for dh) and he’s less likely to lose the child. Would he be happy to have dc/s for the day only and return to you at the end of the day? You could suggest this to him as if you’re doing him a favour but it would really be for your peace of mind ( and kids safety )! Not sure how to get around the driving recklessly though...maybe offer to drop off/ pickup ? I know this would involve more input from you but the overall benefit to you would be not having to live with him.

growingseeds · 24/05/2018 23:27

Why are you even asking? He sounds utterly shit as a parent. I had a shit parent, it isn't great and it affects you into adulthood. I'm in my 50s now and only just begun to sort out the damage my shit parent did to me.

Sisterlove · 24/05/2018 23:38

Can you raise your concerns to a family lawyer? They might be able to advise you.

Iflyaway · 24/05/2018 23:46

OP, listen to growingseeds. All you need to know.

So sorry that happened to you, growing. Hope you are getting what you need to heal.

pallisers · 24/05/2018 23:47

I planned it for years, then left him when the youngest turned 12 and was old enough to decide, more or less, who to spend time with. It was shit for me, but I couldn't leave them with him when they were younger, so there was no choice.

Tbh I think this is the approach I'd take (and my admiration Camilla for doing this). I often read posts on MN where the dh has been a dick or unsafe with the kids or yelling at the kids or has a toxic family or is just plain mean and there is a chorus of leave him for the sake of the children. Do people not realise that contact will most likely be granted and the woman will have zero control during contact time? I think staying with him for the sake of the children (until they reach an age of responsibility/choice) is often a very very brave choice.

Iflyaway · 24/05/2018 23:56

he younger one adores H
kids are aged 5-12

Truth is, you are setting them up for a lifetime of perpetuating the cycle.

Why do you feel this is o.k.? It is NOT.

pallisers · 25/05/2018 00:26

Truth is, you are setting them up for a lifetime of perpetuating the cycle.

No. Truth is the OP's HUSBAND is setting them up. Don't blame the wife for the husband's failings as a father.

CamillaTurner · 26/05/2018 17:49

@Pallisers Thank you for saying that. My ex's behaviour was vile, but not quite vile enough to mean that the DC wouldn't have been allowed unsupervised contact.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 26/05/2018 17:59

50/50 custody here where I live. And very difficult to force another outcome. I am waiting. That's all you can do if you fear losing control of the children's daily routine etc. My husband would practically leave them with his mother to raise, for his 50%. I'll never allow that to happen...so I have to bide my time.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/05/2018 18:11

What growingseeds wrote.

Would raise your concerns re your children with a Solicitor and Womens Aid. This type of issue is also why it is important to get abuse always documented because you then have a paper trail in terms of evidence.

A contact centre may be some sort of option here and I would certainly not have any informal arrangement with him re access to his children. It will likely be broken.

He may well not be at all interested in seeing any of his children after separation anyway and will likely be obstructive in the whole process of separating. Such abusive men only think of their own self and self interest ultimately and can also use the kids as punishment against the mother for having the gall as he sees it to actually leave him.

How many times have adults written on here to the effect that they wished their parents had actually divorced and/or otherwise separated completely when they were a lot younger rather than just stay because of them or even worse leave when the child goes to university? I have seen such sad scenarios written too many times.
Staying for the sake of the child rarely if ever is a good idea; it teaches said child that their parents marriage was based on a lie and its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them. These young people know their parents marriage is dead and they have also seen and heard far more than either parent cares to realise. The children are not glue and should not be used to bind the parents together.

Staying for the sake of the children in such an atmosphere damages them further.

growingseeds · 27/05/2018 23:37

I have a DD with ASC. If I were in this situation ( which thank God I'm not, have fab dh this time round) I'd leave with her. Nothing can be made better by living in an abusive marriage. No situation. Ever. Just leave. Now or as soon as you've got your ducks on a row. Seriously. Leave asap.

pallisers · 28/05/2018 00:26

He may well not be at all interested in seeing any of his children after separation anyway and will likely be obstructive in the whole process of separating.

And if he is interested in seeing his children 50/50??

For every thread from a child wishing their parents had separated there is a thread from a mother distraught because her child has to spend a weekend with a father who is crap, who won't go to parties/clubs/whatever and who lets the children sit in front of a tv in the clothes they arrived in eating fast food.

These kind of decisions aren't simple.

JanetJacket77 · 28/05/2018 10:18

I think they are very legitimate fears re access and custody/over night with an irresponsible ex who is not quite abusive but you know from his past behaviour cam be risky/unpleasant. There is basically no tangible proof and its so so hard to prove. Its easy to say leave but its unfair to attack the mother for causing her children trauma, she is trying her best in a shitty situation to minimise the harm. Yes ideallythey can go off in the sunset and live happily ever after but if such dad (or mum) want access and they have PR its bloody terrifying knowing you wont be there to sheild them yet its not enough to block or restrict access.

Op speak to a solicitor. Some may give free initial consultation.

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