Seeing to DHs needs-sulking

[Chchchchchanges2018]

NC for this but I post a bit under another name

Not sure if this should be in AIBU or relationships tbh but as I don’t currently have the strength for aibu I’ll leave it here....

DH has gone to bed early sulking, and the reason he’s sulking is because I wouldn’t give him a hand job. For context, this is something I used to happily do for him but haven’t done in a long time.
We have a 7 month old baby who it’s fair to say is very high needs; the pregnancy and birth were difficult and she spent the first few months just crying solidly. She is quite sensitive, won’t go to other people, and is a real limpit. Still breastfeeding too although mercifully she started sleeping through around a month ago (still have to feed to sleep but I can take that)
Also we have a toddler in the mix and all round the last 7 months have been really tough.

At the moment there is basically zero physical intimacy between us and I know he’s bothered by this. I am just physically and mentally exhausted. My feeling is that things will change and eventually we’ll return to some kind of normality.
The problem is though I really resent him sulking about the fact I’ve said no to giving him a hand job-it gets to the end of the day and having had a day of being clambered on by kids I just want my own time and space. I’m totally and completely touched out, and seeing to his ‘needs’ to be honest just feels like another chore in a really fucking long list.
Anything sexual is so far off my radar right now-I want to read a book and go to sleep

I can’t be/have been the only one in this situation so would love for some advice or thoughts or opinions

But clearly op isn't seeing it "as a greater range" right now , but a chore and not something she wants to do. And given it's not an act that would give her physical pleasure, it's not exactly putting his best foot forward in terms of being sexual or intimate as a couple. It's asking her to service him when she's already touched out.

Oh I agree that in the current circumstances sex and intimacy will not give the OP pleasure (which I think is problematic if not addressed in the longer term) and that sulking is not going to make her DH any more attractive to her.

All I was doing was pointing out the incorrect nature of the other posters comment. I am not saying that the OP is doing anything wrong and that her DH is in the wrong when I express that a level of satisfaction and intimacy can be gained through masturbation of a partner.

scottishdiem there might be great intimacy :/ you doing it but there clearly isn't with OP. Which is who this post is about.

If I was mentally and physically exhausted and had a high needs baby the last thing I'd want to do is wank him off, shame he can't see that himself, but, oh i forgot, he's a man, and his needs trumps hers, her need for help, that is.

Sex is not on maslow's needs, intimate relationships are; and that's under psychological needs. Sex is only one part of intimacy which lots of people forget when they want their needs met!

Sit him down and explain everything to him.

If he still doesn't get it, suggest that you express some milk and leave him with the kids for the weekend. He can order a takeaway so he doesn't have to cook or you'll make him some food to microwave. Give him a list of what you do everyday and then when you come home, you'll be more than glad to give him a hand job...oh wait, you'll be more than glad to receive the equivalent.

Because I bet when he 'helps out', he's not doing it whilst looking after two very young children, one hanging off his boob. I bet that whilst he's cooking dinner, you're entertaining or dealing with the children and so on.

He's understandably very disappointed he's not experiencing sexual intimacy and hasn't for quite a while. He certainly could do better at hiding this, and he should be more understanding of the situation, but still you can't fault for feeling this way. OP you and him need to sit down and talk out what your expectations are regarding sex. Do you want him to completely stop all sexual advances until you give him the go ahead, or just cut down the frequency and be more prepared for rejection?

Yes, I can fault him actually.

OP has grown and delivered and fed two fucking children. It has no doubt affected her body, her career, her sense of self. She’s carrying the mental load of running a house and raising two kids.

What hardships has he faced? Having sex twice, a bit of extra cooking and handling his own handjobs. Boo fucking hoo.

People are making out like he’s sulking because he’s so very hurt. I call bullshit. Men who sulk in this situation are deliberately trying to make it harder for you to say no next time because you’d rather have the chore of a sex act than an emotionally manipulative husband being a dick.

OP, my sex drive was non existent after my twins arrived, and the whole time I was pumping - it was only when I stopped pumping and had four or five periods that it came back. It’s very common to lose sex drive while breastfeeding, it’s a natural physical response. Don’t feel bad about it, and don’t feel like you need to turn yourself into a human sex toy to make him feel better. I can’t imagine my DH asking me to service him like this when I didn’t want sex, and especially when I have no sex drive (at which time sex is something I can’t even stand to think about, let alone do). It wouldn’t be pretty if he did, believe me.

The more I think about it, the more angry I get. Any chance your baby will take a bottle / you pump? If so, leave him to deal with the kids on his own for the entire weekend then see how much energy he has spare to give you an orgasm.

What an asshole.

So wanking a guy off is intimacy now? Really? Why do men never offer to service their partners in this way without expecting anything in return then, if it’s so mutually rewarding? He’s a selfish idiot who thinks his climax is the most important part of their sex life, and it seems some people here agree with him.

I bet if you’d posted that your husband kept rejecting your suggestion that he do this for you, to quickly see to your needs, with nothing for him, and because of that you were sulking, everyone would call you unreasonable, because you’re a woman and your needs aren’t as important. In fact, women never even demand this sort of thing, they know a man expects something in return, because we’re conditioned not to be selfish pricks when it comes to sex.

Yes, sex is NOT on Maslow’s hierarchy! Intimacy is much wider.

Obviously in a sexual relationship it’s not good if sex isn’t happening or going well. This is just one of the - bigger ones IMO are that they have a hard work limpet type baby, toddler, OP is exhausted (which could potentially become a physical or mental health issue or danger to her and DCs’ safety), that there may be unfair division of domestic work/parenting (references to him “helping”) and that he sulks and punishes OP when he doesn’t get what he wants.

Sulking because OP wouldn’t perform a sex act for him alone is pretty entitled behaviour.

She sounds exhausted - which is a health issue. That is a high priority at the moment.

Whoever suggested daytime sex: they have a toddler and a high maintenance baby! So even if they can afford childcare

Agree that nThey have relationship problems

Any man who sulks when their partner won't facilitate their orgasm is an entitled arsehole who fundamentally believes that they have sexual rights overn someone else's body.
It's a very serious problem in him.

My dh was similar. The fundamental issue was that he didn’t actually support me enough so I didn’t feel I wanted to be intimate with him. That’s despite on the face of it he did “loads”.

The thing he failed at was understanding just how mentally broken I was. He would also not be reasonable in terms to suggesting sex at times when I’m more likely to say yes eg early evening instead of at bedtime. I told him that come bedtime I was exhausted and he’d still ask for it anyway. I hated that.

Then when we tried to rebuild our sex life he’d be disappointed at my suggestion of aiming for at least twice a week. That wasn’t enough!

Anyway we’ve not fully recovered because there’s still resentment on my side but we are getting there. Lack of proper communication has been the issue.

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs places rest as a greater need than sex so it’s unsurprising that OP wouldn’t prioritise giving sulky man child a hand job when she’s exhausted.

OP I always told XH that foreplay started outside the bedroom, in the things he did for me during the day, and if he wasn’t hands on then, it would affect my desire for him.

Agree with PPs except I don’t think that lack of sex means there are relationship problems when there’s a 7mo breastfed baby, let alone another child. The things that suggest a relationship problem are OP carrying the mental load alone and having a
DH who thinks it’s okay to ask his exhausted bfing wife to service him with nothing in it for her. Fuck that.

The reason her husband was "sulking" must have been because he got his hopes up of some kind of sex (even just a handjob). So OP should just tell him the truth - that she doesn't want any kind of sexual activity with him now, even handjobs. She doesn't know when she will want any kind of sexual activity with him. He should stop asking entirely, even hinting at sex, until, say, the baby is a year old. At that point they can see how she feels, but no guarantees. And its okay to feel a bit sad at sexual rejection, but please don't show it as that will only make things worse. If he needs relief in the meantime he's welcome to have a wank, just do it privately and please, no porn.

Or Scott72, he could be a human who loves and appreciates that his wife is tired from juggling and catering to everyone's needs and could do with just some rest. Maybe if he stopped sulking like an idiot and told her to go out with her friends and he's look after the children, or told her to go to bed and he'd sort out the washing so she wouldn't have to do that tomorrow with two kids clinging to her, she'd get some rest and be less tired and would actually want to have sex with her husband the next day or in a few weeks if he continues to really help and support her and his kids.

I don't understand this. I had two easy pregnancies and births, and we were having sex about 10-14 days after each one. For me, it's relaxing, it made me feel like more than just a mum and it kept us close. We've since split, but sex wasn't one of the reasons.

I get that you're exhausted and you don't want too though. Have you had that talk with him? You could be married for 50 years or more - so giving up a couple for years of sex in order to prioritise your children and your need for rest doesn't seem too much.

However, you do really need to make time for the two of you somehow. Having children puts so much pressure on a relationship, so if you don't look after each other things can implode. That means him looking out for your needs as well as you looking out for his.

I don't understand this. I had two easy pregnancies and births

I stopped reading then. Do you not think you just answered your own question?

Some women get a huge spike in sex drive during pregnancy. Some women have completely the opposite, their libido disappears and the thought of sex becomes unbearable. This is a hormonal response. The same is true after birth and when breastfeeding. Many women experience this and it’s a known evolutionary process, designed to prevent women from becoming pregnant again while they are still recovering and still required to feed and care for their existing child.

You didn’t experience it? Great. Good for you! Why do you not understand that your experience is not universal? I’m not saying that I don’t understand you wanting to have sex 10 days after birth (although I will say that you put yourself at enormous risk of serious uterine infection - your placenta leaves a huge open wound inside your uterus, and bacteria introduced by sex can have frightening consequences, which is why women are advised to wait 6 weeks minimum to have sex). Maybe think a little bit before you post something so contradictory?

Clearly you don’t understand what it’s like to feel coerced into sex when your sex drive is completely absent. It’s not relaxing, it can be traumatising.

@Cricrichan
Of course he can and should help out as much as he can. But at the same time, no matter what he does she is probably not going to be feeling like sex for a while. If he accepts that and just stops trying to initiate sex for a time, they will both be much less frustrated.

@TammySwansonTwo

I meant that as in, I'm probably in the same boat as her husband. He's never given birth or been that exhausted so he won't understand it the same way people on mumsnet will.

Which is why I asked if she's talked to him about it and asked him to put it into perspective with the rest of their lives. And also given quite sensible advice for them to look after each other, instead of refusing to talk about it and allowing the relationship to implode.

To fix a problem, you need to see it from the other persons side too. And right now, he isn't - he's a man who's never experienced it and unfortunately, he's not just going to understand it without them talking it through. All the people saying "he should understand" - great, but he doesn't, so saying that is of no help.

Men absolutely can and do 'get it' that growing and caring for children is hugely draining. Some men are just entitled arses and society (and some women it seems!) reaffirm this.

Heavily pregnant with DC#3 and DH has taken over about 70 -80% of household chores. He doesn't need a manual provided to know how to take care of the other DC, he can and does share their care on a daily basis and takes on more when I am so tired I can hardly stand. He doesn't complain, he doesn't begrudge and I don't have to ask him to do these things!

Poor man I suppose....

Except DH gets a massively happy wife, one who then regains enough energy to want to be near him. One who then finds him hugely attractive and jumps his bones as often as is possible.

I remember reading once about a study of married couples where men who did an equal amount of housework reported their sex drive lowered as a result whilst their wives reported an increase...

@SmithyStreet

I didn’t say no man ever gets it, but her husband obviously isn’t. So simply saying “well, he should just understand” doesn’t help, and doesn’t change her relationship.

She can be sensible and talk about it; point out his insensitivity or she can not say anything and they can carry on not speaking to each other, just because “he should just get it”. I know which option I’d choose, but I tend not to cut off my nose to spite my face.

Helping your wife out with household chores and childcare is always a good idea, but its not a guaranteed wonder aphrodisiac. Libido is a lot more complicated than that.

It's nothing to do with an exchange of more chores for more sex. It's simply making sure he understands that no matter what he does right now, sex is not on the table - it might pop up if the mood is right but it is not a priority. And he needs to understand that he cant refuse to help with childcare and household tasks unless he's getting any, because it is his family and all of that is a necessity. The other stuff is just on hold, not on condition.

Fair enough, but is there anything she can do to assure him she will want sex at some point? I've read here about women who's libido just dies completely after having children, never to return, and I guess that might be going through his mind.