Colleague's creepy hugs

[smilrtom]

Not wanting to give too much away, you'll have to go with me on this one as it's outing. I work in a specialist area of mental health where a hug is often given/received. I've been in this area for 3yrs with no issue. Recently though, a male colleague saw me approach & quick as a flash whipped his arm very snuggly around my waist, pulled me tightly to him & planted a fat smacker (kiss) on my hastily turned cheek. It wasn't a mutual brief hug as usual, he took way more, pressing my body to his. I didn't like it, it over-stepped my boundaries, it felt creepy. I don't want to get into an argument about the ethics of hugging in the workplace, what we do is specialised. I could just do with ideas how to control this situation in the future. I could tell him directly 'no more personal contact' but I don't want to make an uncomfortable atmosphere. I also don't want to have to be on my guard all the time against the same happening again. Is there a way I can gently deflect this to stop it happening again?

Why do you have to be gentle? That was really unacceptable.

He’s the one making an uncomfortable atmosphere! You shouldn’t have to apologise for expecting someone to treat you with respect.

Could you not just say "actually would you mind not doing that please it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable or it's. Bit intimate for me!

?

If it were me I'd make it very very clear he'd crossed a line. I could not handle this hanging over me. Do you object to him hugging you at all or was it just the way he done it?

I don’t like hugs sorry.

If he tries it again then going rigid while saying "please don't do that" should do the job.

Christ on a bike! I have an almost identical situation, and considered posting, but you did the ground work. Thank you.
It's so hard to politely reject someone openly, when you feel guilty for accepting friendly hugs previously. You wonder if you sent the wrong signals somehow.
I feel creeped out too, and need to deal with it properly.
Looking forward to more responses.

“Hey Fred, please don’t hug or kiss me. It’s inappropriate.” Say it in a confident, friendly tone. Don’t over think it, just do it because he has no right to touch you.

I've had a one colleague rub his hand up and down my back and another try to massage my neck from behind. Awful.
I just said dont do that, I dont like it. Neither did it again.

Er next time ask him WTAF he thinks he's doing?

Guaranteed he won't try it again.

I'd say, very nicely, that I do like hugs but his feel a bit unboundaried and make you quite uncomfortable. They're just a bit too squeezy and you didn't like the kissing. Make eye contact when you're talking to him and say it really softly and gently. He'll try to tell you you're oversensitive so I'd practise saying, very calmly, that you don't think you are but it makes you uncomfortable and you know him well enough to know he wouldn't want that. Also, that you know he's the sort of person who will appreciate people being honest about how they feel. And then thank him really sweetly for listening so respectfully to you, it really means a lot that he has heard what you've got to say. Tell him the last thing you want is for there to be an atmosphere as you can tell he's a lovely person/great at his job/some shit like that.

I actually hate predatory men like this but over the years I've found that this approach is the one which works best for me. They always try to pretend it's you at fault, when in fact they're just pervy creeps. The trick is not to lose your cool. Invariably they do come out with some shit like 'no one else has complained' to which I reply 'awww, sorry about that'.

I know that being so sweet is quite a repulsive thing to be to a sex pest but I find that telling them in a more straightforward way just leads to rows and spiteful behaviour on their part. The key is to assert your boundaries but not in a way which gives them any chance to come back at you effectively. I'd also make a note of the conversation for your own records.

If he hugs you inappropriately again after that then I'd say, again very sweetly 'please don't do that. I did tell you I don't like it. You know it makes me uncomfortable'. Make sure other people hear you say it.

Many people won't appreciate this approach and I understand why. But it's the most effective way I've found so I hope it's of help.