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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband is a drug addict and I never knew

25 replies

RubyGems · 18/05/2007 18:44

I think I posted this in the wrong place before, sorry if you've already seen this.

Hi, this is my first post on here as a single mum! My marriage has ended after 10 years (together 18 in total). I've got 4 kids, eldest is autistic.

Over the years I've put up with aggression (he never hit me though), kicking and punching things, mood swings, irritability, lethargy and over the past year or so a real negative attitude to everything and everyone. I've suffered from bulimia and depression (no surprise really) and beaten them both. It hasn't all been terrible, he's been a good dad to his kids and always provided for us.

He's always had a sneaky, devious side to him, often lying to me about things, hiding porn, sneaking off to drink etc. He'd confessed to taking speed in the past but always swore it was a thing of the past. Well turns out he was telling the truth because just before he left (as an absolute last ditch attempt to win me back) he confessed to having a cocaine addiction stretching back for nearly all of my marriage!

Shocked doesn't come near, but at the same time all the puzzle pieces slotted together. All the lying he's done to cover it up, the money he's spent, but worse of all to think of him doing that under my roof and being around my babies! He even attended anger management courses and still took it! His friends knew, his therapist knew, but not me, supposedly the centre of his universe as he called me.

I'm so hurt, feel I've been living with a stranger all this time and boy, what a fool I've been taken for. Now trying to come to terms with life as a single mum yet still remaining reasonable enough to let him see the kids.

I don't think I'll ever trust my opinions of anyone ever again. Thanks for ploughing through this, I'm really hurting.

OP posts:

TheGoddessBlossom · 18/05/2007 20:03

Ruby - well what a time you have had. You sound so strong even if you are not feeling it. At least you finally now know the truth and have him out of your life, so he can't have a destructive influence on you or your kids under your roof again.

He has his own issues to deal with now, don't let him drag you down with him.

Good luck.

Bloss

Daisypops · 18/05/2007 21:07

Hi Ruby, my ex was addicted to cocaine and I didn't know so you're not on your own. I think they learn to be devious with that shit. My ex dp admitted to blowing £24,000 worth of it I gave him a 2nd chance because he said he would get off it, he didn't so I left him. It was very hard as he was my first love and I felt so stupid for not realising what he'd been doing. Looking back all the signs were there but I never twigged on.

You sound very strong, so stay like that for yourself and your babies. He needs to get some help and prove to you he can stay clean.

bobby2 · 18/05/2007 21:23

I have had the year from hell, my dh lost his job in october 06 thru drink related things, he had the grace to leave because things were so bad at home and wanted to stop my dd from seeing the fallout, he went to live with his mum. my mum died of cancer in feb this year, my (h not dh) moved back into the house while I was away seeing to my mum dying, completely against my wishes, so now I am living with him in a small house and have to bring my dd home to find her father pissed on the sofa most days. can't move out as rent would be higher than the mortgage but I am now paying everything, bills, mortgage, by myself with him sponging off me and can't see any way out. help please!

FioFio · 18/05/2007 21:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bobby2 · 18/05/2007 21:28

I am waiting for counselling from GP as even she couldn't see away out of my problems, I just think how can so much shit happen to one person when I have been good, honest, nice all my life? I go to work and weep on the bus while listening to my mp3 player with no music related to my mum or anything

bobby2 · 18/05/2007 21:29

sorry - feeling really sorry for myself at mo

FioFio · 18/05/2007 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bobby2 · 18/05/2007 21:46

The good thing is I am really strong, I have a demanding job (teacher) so I can escape in my workplace and have great friends too but i just feel like I am in a hole I can't get out of. my worst fear is for my dd cos she is just so adoring of her dad but loves him when he is normal not slumped passed out, she won't even speak to him when he is pissed, and obviously knows the difference to when hs sober, sorry completely hijacked this link but don't know how to start a new thread

Nightynight · 18/05/2007 22:30

bobby - my ex (violent and controlling, not drunk) used to sponge off me, and was often at my house. I have got rid of him now, by calling the police and getting a court order saying he cant come near the house.

You can stop worrying if its good for the children if he is there. You can stop worrying if the children will be upset if you kick him out. You can call a locksmith, get the locks changed (or confiscate his keys), lock the doors and dont let him in when he comes. Keep the doors locked all the time, and keep your mobile nearby.

When I did this, my ex broke all the windows, the door, the light and the post box because I wouldnt let him into the house. It cost me around 1300 euros to replace. The police came, took him away and he got fined. They told me where to go to get the paper forbidding him coming near us. Since then, we have had PEACE for the first time in teh childrens lives.
When he phones now, it is the children who tell me not to pick the phone up.

You can get rid of sponging exes. But you have to believe that you can, and summon up the courage.

bobby2 · 18/05/2007 22:35

Thankyou, I phoned the police tho and they told me that if his name is on the mortgage (which it is) even tho he hasn't paid any mortgage for 6 months he cant legally be chucked out and locks changed unless he is violent which he isn't apart from his vicious, malicious hateful tongue, I have even smacked him round the face hoping he would retaliate but he seems to have this badge of honour that you can't hit a woman, (but you can decimate her in every other shape or form with words}

noddyholder · 18/05/2007 22:42

Most addicts are highly manipulative devious and worst of all sooooooo convincing that they fool everyone.It is part of the disease and so you shouldn't blame yourself at all.Al anon may help you it is for partners kids anyone really who has been affected by their relationship with an addict hth

bobby2 · 18/05/2007 22:49

I desperately want to go to al anon but all the meetings in my area are at 7pm and cant trust my h to look after dd and cant exactly get a babysitter in to look after dd and my husband be there too. tried alanon online but it was a nightmare ended up getting about 500 messages from usa and no idea how to stop them. sorry sound so negative have exhausted all options. pissed off, h is on the sofa pissed, snoring I HATE HIM

Nightynight · 18/05/2007 22:55

have you spoken to a lawyer about your rights on splitting up?

obimomkanobi · 18/05/2007 22:58

Ruby, I think that you will get through this, although you might want to seek some help to make you understand that none of this was your fault.

Bobby, get some good legal help. You say you are a teacher, join a union and use their legal dept. Or phone teacherline on 08000 562 561

They will advise on personal and professional stuff.

Original poster

RubyGems · 19/05/2007 12:31

It seems I'm not alone in dealing with this,I've certainly felt like it!

Goddess, I'm trying to distance myself from him but he's already been on the phone pleading with me to help him with his therapy. When he moves back round here again he won't really have anyone but me and the kids but I don't want him anymore!

Daisypops, I think you ignore the signs because you trust them. I'm just so glad I do finally know the truth, although he only told me for selfish reasons to win me back. Gawd knows how much of our money he's spent on cocaine, no wonder he's always overdrawn. He's my first love too, been together since teens, but I'm certainly older and wiser now!

Noddyholder, you're right, he's become the world's best liar. He told me he's lied to loads of people, he just couldn't stop himself. Devious, sly, sneaky, hard-faced, that's him.

I'm not missing him at all, I just feel very angry that he's stolen years of my life he was never entitled to.

OP posts:

lemonaid · 19/05/2007 12:37

bobby, I think it's worth your talking to a solicitor about your situation. There may be a way around it but you need specialist advice.

Original poster

RubyGems · 23/05/2007 08:02

DP came to see the kids on monday. Hard to see him like he is, He's a broken man, can't eat or sleep and kept crying. I know he's brought it on himself but I couldn't help feeling sorry for him.

Have bouts of feeling strong then feel crushingly alone and miserable, especially when things crop up that he'd have dealt with. I've got a terrible cold and I'm feeling vulnerable right now.

Been looking at photos of us together and I feel like he's died when I look at them. The person I was in love with in the photos wasn't really there, I never really knew him did I?! So tempted at times to just tell him to come home but I know I'll never be able to trust him again.

God this is painful.

OP posts:

Original poster

RubyGems · 24/05/2007 08:15

My autistic son's behaviour is getting quite bad since dh left. Poor boy

dh phoned last night because he had to ask me whether if he hadn't told me about his cocaine addiction if I'd have given him another chance! ie he wishes he'd just kept lying to me and tried to sort himself out. He just doesn't get it does he. What a great basis for a relationship that would be.

I feel so lonely though at times. I miss his smell and having someone to hug. I still know though that I'm doing the right thing

OP posts:

Original poster

RubyGems · 26/05/2007 15:04

He's coming back here again today. I can cope when he's not around but he's so screwed up by all this that it's difficult to be around him. I can't take on his troubles too, he's brought it on himself.

OP posts:

DaisysGotSausageFeet · 26/05/2007 15:24

Rubygems...just noticed that you've been talking to yourself over the last few days. I've read your OP and the thread, and have no real advice to offer, I just didn't want you to go unanswered.

I think you are doing the right thing and that you should try to stay calm and resolved. Have you been speaking to AlAnon and getting soem supprt since he's gone, as I imagine this must be a very difficult thing to go through on your own.

Is there maybe an option to have him see the kids on neutral ground so he's not coming to the house so that you don't have to see him. then you could get some distance and maybe a bit of perspective on the situation. This might help you to keep strong.

I hope things work out for you. xx

MellowMa · 26/05/2007 15:36

Message withdrawn

walbert · 26/05/2007 15:37

Hi ladies, I've read this thread and while i'm not able to offer advice or really sympathise as i've never (luckily) had to be in your situations, have you tried citizen's advice beaureu? (i think that's spelt wrong?) if they're open during day book in and then if during day you hopefully can go while partner's are out and if necc take the kids as well (my mum helped out a couple of times and it's no odd thing to have people taking their kids with them, staff will appreciate your situation) i understand you might not want children who are starting to pick up on conversations listening to discussions you'll have to have but maybe staff can arrange something to help during your app. or take someone with you to keep kids entertained? their tel is08701212044

MellowMa · 26/05/2007 15:40

Message withdrawn

Original poster

RubyGems · 30/05/2007 19:11

Thank you all so much for your messages. I was starting to think I was going mad in here talking to myself! LOL

He's been here today and done a few jobs for me ( amazing how helpful they become when it suits them ) He keeps saying that he'll prove to me what he can be like when he's detoxed and that then maybe we can see each other casually but never live together again because he can't handle the stress living here (slightly pathetic). I can't help thinking about it because I still fancy him how ever hard I try not to be interested!

He's still taking the drugs and has an appointment to see his doctor to help him detox. Am I denying myself the chance to meet someone else though by seeing him?

I've been to the CAB 2 weeks ago and have still received no financial help.

Mellowma, finding myself in this horrible situation has really opened my eyes to just how widespread drug use is. You just never expect it to happen to you though, do you.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 30/05/2007 19:19

He is never going to live with you? And you are ok with this? If you are then fine but personally I couldn't handle that and I would end it.

You don't have to make a decision today but think long and hard about it.

Personally i would be upset that he expects me to handle all the responsibility for everything while he comes and goes as he pleases and he gets the fun bits and none of the hassle/ hard work etc etc I like to have someone to talk to and to cuddle in bed at night, i like waking up with them, I like living with someone - I wouldn't live with him because it's better than being on your own because when men don't pull thier weight then i think you are better off alone at least then you have a chance of finding someone who does pull their weight iyswim?

Sorry if im too harsh, at the end of the day it's you decision and you don't have to make it right now.

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